


The Common Sense of Morning

by FrailFonts



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Homophobic Language, M/M, Rape, Torture, mind-control
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:39:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7477284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrailFonts/pseuds/FrailFonts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aboard The Finalizer, Kylo Ren tortures Poe for the location of the map. However, he uncovers a different secret he wasn't prepared for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a nice fic. It contains graphic depictions of rape and torture. If this isn't your cup of tea or feel it might trigger you in some way, please don't read.
> 
> In the beginning scenes of chapters 1 & 2 some dialogue has been borrowed directly from the movie in order to provide as much authenticity to the plot as possible. All actions, filler, and other ideas are--obviously--my own.
> 
> I own none of the characters. All rights belong to Disney, etc, etc.

“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board.”

Kylo considered his prisoner for a long moment.

“Comfortable?” he asked.

Poe Dameron raised his chin defiantly. “Not really.”

“I’m impressed,” Kylo said. “No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.”

  
Kylo stalked closer to Poe. He could feel the waves of fear rolling off the pilot but, impressively, no sign of it showed on his face.

“You might want to rethink your technique,” Poe said.

Kylo almost smiled behind his mask. He reached out his hand and began using the Force to open the man’s mind. For one not trained in the Force, Poe’s mind was surprisingly well guarded.”

“Where is it?” Kylo demanded.

“The resistance… will not be intimidated by you.” The pilot was insolent, even though he was nearly choking on his words.

Kylo extended his hand further, digging into Poe’s defenses. Kylo felt the barricades begin to weaken beneath his assault. He began scanning Poe’s mind, looking for the dark areas, the niches where such a man would hide information.

“WHERE IS IT?”

And then Kylo felt it. A shadow so tightly knotted in Poe’s brain it was almost invisible, even to Kylo. As Kylo pried the information loose, Poe redoubled his efforts to shield his mind, screaming with the effort. Poe Dameron could guard his secrets with the best of them.

For a moment Poe’s resolution was so complete Kylo nearly wavered, nearly lost belief in his ability. But doubt was an extravagance for one such as him; doubt was not the way of the Dark Side; doubt was a weakness that would careen him further from his destiny.

Kylo bludgeoned Poe with the Force, wrenching the memories from their safe holds and manifesting them into his own mind. He would have the information his master desired…

 

_Poe patted the nose of his X-wing. It was still warm to his touch. Part of him wished he was already back out there, zipping through the cosmos at light speed, feeling the pulse of adrenaline consume him. That’s where he had always belonged. But, the general needed more than piloting from him now and there was more to being a commander than maneuvering his own ship._

_The hangar was deserted. Everyone had taken a successful mission with no casualties as an excuse to head down to the cantina early. Not that Poe could blame them. They had had little enough reason to celebrate lately. He knew he should join them._

_“Well if it isn’t our own little hero.”_

_Poe groaned. The hangar was not quite as empty as he had thought. Jalba Kraspen, one of the pilots from his own training class, shuffled toward him. His labored gate told Poe he’d already been at the bottle for a while. A few strides later the smell confirmed his suspicion._

_“What’s the little hero doing here all alone? Shouldn’t you be out enjoying your fame?” Jalba was standing close enough to Poe to loom down at him despite being only a few inches taller. “ Might even be another promotion in it for you if you suck up enough.”_

_Poe forced himself not to step back, not even to escape the sickly sweet odor of Tarisian ale wafting off Jalba. “Jalba, you’ve had enough for one night. Go back to your quarters and sleep it off,” Poe said._

_Jalba leaned further into Poe’s space. “Why don’t you make me, pretty boy?”_

_Poe flashed his teeth in a smile. “That’s Commander Pretty Boy to you, Jalba. And you are dangerously close to insubordination.”_

_Jalba’s face twisted in a snarl and he reeled back a step. “You’re going to lord your rank OVER ME.” He swung his arms in a wild circle. “You crippled me to get me out of the running and now you want to act like you have some authority over me?” Jalba spit at Poe’s feet. “We both know those wings should be mine.”_

_Poe felt color beginning to rise in his neck. “It wasn’t my fault you were injured on that flight route, Jalba. I tried to tow you back in after you were hit but there was too much space debris—“_

_“YOU LEFT ME FLOATING IN EMPTY SPACE LIKE A BANTHA IN FRONT OF A KRAYT DRAGON.”_

_“I LEFT YOU TO DRAW OFF THE FIRE UNTIL THE REST OF THE SQUADRON COULD CATCH UP AND HELP YOU.”_

_Jalba laughed and the derision burned Poe to his core. “You came back with a busted up leg but if it hadn’t been for me you wouldn’t have come back at all,” he said. “I made the best decision I could—“_

_Jalba grabbed the front of Poe’s flight suit with a sudden agility. “You made a coward’s decision. And for it you got my wings and my command.”_

_Poe pushed away from Jalba breaking his grip and stumbling backwards. He was confused to feel two more sets of hands grab him and hold him in place._

_Poe tried to shake the newcomers off but was wrestled down. The two men wrenched Poe’s arms behind him and forced him to his knees. Jalba lorded over him, suddenly entirely sober. His eyes narrowed from wild to calculating. Poe’s sweat turned cold on his skin. He’d been taken in by Jalba’s act. He tried again to shake off the two larger men but could get no leverage. They held him down easily and quieted his struggle with two quick blows to his kidneys._

_“You’re going to lose more than a promotion here, Jalba,” Poe said, forcing authority into his words._ _“You and your friends are getting into court martial territory here. You’ll look at the inside of a force cage instead of a flight deck.”_

_Jalba stretched his injured leg out to the side so he could crouch to Poe’s level. “If you think I want to fly for a faggot like you then you really are all beauty and no brains.”_

_Poe managed to stop his jaw from dropping but felt the color drain from his face. Krapsen laughed, his sour breath burning Poe’s nose._

_“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? I’m twice the pilot and scout you are, Commander.” He petted Poe’s hair roughly. “I wonder what the general would think if she knew?”_

_The color rushed angrily back into Poe’s face. “The general—“_

_“Oh yes, yes,” Jalba said with maddening condescension. “She’s very **progressive**.” He spat the word like it was dirty. He stood, the bulge of his crotch bumping lightly against Poe’s jaw._

_“But I wonder if the rest of the troops would be so open-minded. I wonder if they’d follow you if they knew you spend every night you’re off world spreading your legs for any man who will have you.”_

_Jalba leaned down again to whisper into Poe’s ear. “And does your general know about that night you spent stranded on Hoth with Han Solo?”_

_Poe lunged at Jalba, surprising his captors. Jalba, however, clubbed him hard across the jaw, crashing him into the floor. The others were on him in an instant, kicking his ribs, grinding his face into the floor._

_“You are predictable, Commander,” Jalba said. “Predictable and weak.”_

_He ripped Poe’s pass card from around his neck. “I’ve always known it. It’s driven me crazy these last months that no one else can see it. Present company excluded, of course,” he said, gesturing to the muscle pinning Poe to the floor._

_Jalba walked over to the console and used Poe’s credentials to seal the hangar. The doors came down with a note of finality Poe had never noticed before. “But then I realized," Jalba continued, "You’re the only one I need to see it.”_

_“I want you to be uncomfortable in that flight chair, Commander,” Jalba said, walking closer to Poe._

_“I want to affect every decision you make so you have to wonder, have to be afraid.”_

_Jalba patted his mangled leg. “I want to leave my mark on you, Commander.”_

_Poe trembled and his heart threatened to deafen him but he met Jalba’s eyes and gave him a defiant half-smile. “You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?” he said._

_Jalba smiled and crouched beside him again. “Oh, I think I know your weakness,” he said, cupping Poe’s ass firmly with one hand._

_Poe’s eyes dilated in sudden fear. He began bucking his body, trying wildly to get away. Jalba laughed._

_“Let’s get him out of that flight suit, boys. Let’s show him why he shouldn’t piss off real men.”_

_Poe fought. He kicked and clawed and swung with desperation. However, no matter how frantically he struggled the three larger men wrestled him down and subdued him with blows to his ribs, stomach, thighs._

_In a matter of minutes they had stripped the orange flight suit from the top half of his body. The largest of the men grabbed Poe around the neck in a powerful headlock and bent his body backwards allowing the others to strip him completely. Gasping for air, Poe managed to sink his teeth into the meat of his assailant’s arm._

_Swearing, the man smashed his forearm across Poe’s head until he tumbled to the floor, barely conscious. The cold of the concrete floor seeped into Poe’s flesh and slowly brought him back to himself. He closed his eyes, wishing away the shadows that fell across his body._

_He lay prone, trying to save his energy for the right moment. He lunged, pushing past Jalba toward the communication console. If he could just activate it, just dial any number out, it would be enough to raise a flag and bring a patrol to investigate._

_Poe managed to just grasp the edge of the desk before someone grabbed his foot and yanked him backwards. His face smashed into the concrete, the surface scraping his skin. A calloused hand closed around his throat and dragged him upright, slamming him into the wall hard enough to make his vision swim and his legs give out._

_Jalba appeared in Poe’s peripheral vision. He stroked Poe’s face, laughing as the touch made Poe shudder. “What’s wrong, pretty boy? You ready to leave so soon?”_

_He twisted Poe’s nipple cruelly, making him gasp._

_“Let’s get him tied up,” he said to the others. He grabbed Poe by his hair and jerked him down, dragging him to one of the safety railings. He bent Poe over it at his waist and the others secured his hands to the middle bar with restraints, holding him in a half-bent posture._

_“Now that’s a pretty view,” Jalba said, running his hand down Poe’s spine._

_Poe gagged and threw his weight forward, nearly pitching himself over the railing. Jalba grabbed his waist, holding him in place._

_“Whoa, easy there. You go over and you’re going to snap your wrists so bad you’ll never hold a flight stick again.” Jalba gripped Poe’s hips tightly and pressed his crotch against his naked ass. “And what a shame that would be.”_

_“You know, I considered that and it still seemed preferable to the alternative,” Poe said. He tested the_ _restraints._

_Jalba laughed. “Don’t worry, pretty boy. When I finally fuck you, it’ll be because you beg me to.”_

_Poe barked a painful laugh. “I know you dream of it, Jalba. Apparently I’m not the only faggot in a Resistance flight suit.”_

_Jalba cuffed Poe on the back of the head._

_“You’ll definitely be the only one getting split open tonight, bitch. Uri, you can warm our guest up. Since he took a piece out of you, I thought you might like to return the favor.”_

_The largest man stepped forward. His arm was still bleeding where Poe bit him. He looked at Poe with a naked lust that made goosebumps rise all over Poe’s naked body. Jalba waited until Uri held Poe with one hand on the back of his neck before releasing him. He dragged a chair to the center of the hangar floor in front of Poe and propped his feet on a maintenance cart. The third man leaned silently against the wall not far away._

_Poe felt his face burn with humiliation as Uri grabbed his hips and spread his cheeks to look at his puckered hole. He dropped his head, not wanting Jalba to get the satisfaction of seeing the tears that were burning behind his eyes. Uri pulled his head up by his hair and pushed two blunt fingers against Poe’s lips._

_“Bite me again, slut, and I promise you I’ll go in so dry it will hurt us both,” he hissed in Poe’s ear._

_The threat turned Poe’s stomach to ice. He obediently opened his mouth and sucked Uri’s fingers, coating them with as much saliva as he could. Uri gave him only seconds before he pulled them out and pressed them immediately against the entrance to Poe’s body._

_Poe tried to force his body to relax despite every instinct telling him to fight, clench and resist. Uri shoved the first finger inside him without giving him a chance. Poe bit his lip to avoid screaming. He tasted blood._

_The pain of the first intrusion hadn’t faded before Uri forced the second alongside it. Poe pulled up on his restraints trying to stand, to twist away from the too-dry pain. Uri laughed, forcing Poe down over the bar once more. The pain was so intense Poe nearly missed the sound of the zipper releasing. He watched beneath his arm as Uri spread a small amount of lube up and down his already hard cock with the hand that wasn’t buried in Poe._

_Poe’s body contracted with fear, clenching down on Uri’s fingers. Uri grunted._

_“I don’t know, boss,” he said scissoring his fingers inside of Poe. “For a slut, he’s awful tight.”_

_Both men laughed and Poe felt his face burn with shame again. Uri scissored his fingers a few more times before pulling them out. He stroked his cock with quick, short strokes before grabbing Poe’s hips and spreading his cheeks open once more. Panic swelled inside Poe and he fought uselessly against the restraints again._

_“No, please,” he begged, all pride gone. “It’s not enough. You can’t.”_

_Uri held him with bruising hands and lined his cock carefully into Poe’s hole, leaning so Poe could feel the rough fabric of his shirt against his naked back._

_“Oh, princess,” he said. He bit the ridge of Poe’s ear. “I want it to hurt.”_

_Uri shoved in brutally, ripping a scream from Poe’s throat to match the tearing of his body…_

 

The scream resonated in Kylo, shaking free the ghost of such a scream in his mind. He was vaguely aware of falling to his knees but unable to place why that shouldn’t be happening. He looked at the pilot for a split second before the room was once again replaced by a flood of memories.

 

_The cold seeped into Kylo’s knees through his robes. He was unsure how long he had been kneeling but his patience was failing. The room was half-lit by light that didn’t seem to emanate from any one source. Kylo squinted into the darkness, his aggravation ratcheting up upward. He had a feeling he could only see what his master wanted him to see._

_“You will learn patience in time, my apprentice.”_

_Kylo had to force himself not to start to his feet but wasn’t quick enough to suppress the instinctive twitch toward his lightsaber. He hadn’t felt his master approach, even with his senses on high alert._

_Snoke laughed, a wheezing, death-rattle sound. “Yes,” he said. “You have much left to learn._

_Kylo felt his blood burn in embarrassment. He felt the urge to finish the grab for his lightsaber and strike down his master, to lash out and prove his power. He felt the anger boil up inside him and roll away from him in waves._

_“Mmm,” Snoke said. He stepped closer to Kylo. “But much potential.”_

_Kylo bowed his head, forcing himself to swallow his pride._

_“Mmm,” Snoke said again. “Tell me of your assignment, Apprentice."_

_“The mission is complete, Master,” Kylo said. “The cloaking device is yours. There was no resistance of note.”_

_Suddenly Kylo was unable to breathe, to even make the attempt to draw air into his lungs. A large, invisible weight crushed him to the floor. He heard his master through the Force and the intensity made his ears bleed._

_“Your mission remains unfinished.” Snoke’s voice resonated in Kylo’s bones. “I told you to bring me the cloaking device from Ffantalla and burn the city and fortress to the ground. Did you think you could deceive me?”_

_The pressure broke and Kylo found he was able to speak._

_“I have brought you cloaking device,” he said. He felt a bubbling of bitterness at having to explain himself. “The fortress was abandoned. The city sheltered no one but starving mongrel children and a few old women who care for them.”_

_Snoke sneered. The shadows of the half-light twisted his face to something barely recognizable. “And you pitied them, didn’t you, my apprentice?” he said. “You felt such sorrow for them that you thought it fitting to spare them.”_

_Kylo’s anger snapped through the Force like electricity. “Master, I considered it to be a waste of your resources to—“_

_Daggers stabbed into Kylo’s mind. He clutched his head, collapsing to the floor. His vision went white and he knew nothing but agony._

_Kylo wasn’t sure how long it was before he was able to open his eyes again. Snoke was pacing around him. Kylo watched his feet slide by once, twice, three times._

_“You pitied them enough to disobey an instruction I gave you,” Snoke said quietly. His feet slid by in two more circles before he spoke again. “This I cannot allow.”_

_Kylo was no stranger to pain under Snoke’s tutelage. He shook the cobwebs from his mind and climbed to his feet. “You sent me to accomplish a mission,” he said. “I did so in the way that best accomplishes the goals of the First Order.”_

_Snoke’s anger was palpable through the force, much like Kylo’s had been. However the magnitude was far greater, like the towing undercurrent of the ocean._

_“I can see now I have been too soft on you,” Snoke said. “I have allowed you to misunderstand your place and your power.”_

_He used the Force to press Kylo to his knees._

_“You are to do exactly as I say without thought, without question.” Snoke paced around Kylo once more._

_“You see,” he said, now standing close enough that Kylo could smell the faint decayed odor of his skin. “You belong to me.”_

_Kylo balked at the words and tried to rise. Snoke held him in place easily._

_“No matter how powerful you become, no matter how many titles you hold, you will always be my toy, my servant, to use as I will,” he said. He reached out and stroked Kylo’s hair. “My pet.”_

_A surge of rage built up in Kylo. He pressed against his Master’s will, pressing the power away from him. The death-rattle laugh bubbled around Kylo again. Snoke waved his hand and Kylo was jerked into the air. He spun in a lazy circle, slightly off balance, half tumbling from side to side._

_“I tire of your delusions of importance, Kylo Ren,” Snoke seethed. “I will not abide your arrogance and your disobedience any longer. You are a tool to be bent to whatever task I choose.” Snoke looked Kylo up and down and adjusted his robes. “And if you are unfit to lead missions for my war, perhaps you are fit to be on your knees.”_

_“NOO!” Fear spasmed through Kylo’s body. He knew of Snoke’s perverseness. He had personally delivered slaves for his amusement. But never—never—had he considered it might come to this._

_Panic succeeded where anger had failed. Kylo broke free of Snoke’s hold, rolling out of the fall gracefully, his lightsaber flaring to life in his hand. “No.”_

_Snoke applauded a slow, echoing clap. “Very good. I had hoped you’d make it interesting.”_

_A blow struck Kylo across the wrist hard enough he felt the bones break. His lightsaber went spinning out of his hand, disappearing into the shadowy corners of the room. He felt the second blow coming and managed to pull together his defenses enough that he was only knocked to his knees instead of immobilized on the floor. He felt Snoke’s consciousness all around him, folding in on him like waves. He pressed back, managing to just keep it at bay, sweat pouring down his face and body._

_“You have power, my apprentice,” Snoke said. His voice showed no signs of strain. “You have strength and will to spare.” He crouched until his face was inches from Kylo’s. “I can’t wait to feel it fold around me.”_

_Kylo’s defenses buckled. He was flung to the ground, choking. He clawed at his own throat until he drew blood, trying to pull away fingers that weren’t there. Snoke knelt beside him, disrobing Kylo by hand._

_“Mmm.” There was a bestial quality to the sound now. Kylo thrashed weakly on the floor, only being allowed every other breath he needed. Kylo’s skin was overheated; Snoke’s hands felt like ice when he pressed apart Kylo’s thighs._

_“Are you a virgin, Kylo Ren?” Kylo abandoned his useless physical struggle and put up every barrier he could summon in his mind as Snoke tried to pull the information from his thoughts._

_Snoke laughed. “Fair enough, my pet. We’ll let your body tell your secrets and see if we can’t rid you of your Jedi-like modesty.”_

_Snoke used the Force to flip Kylo onto his hands and knees, once again choking him until Kylo’s vision tunneled. Snoke strapped a heavy collar around Kylo’s throat and ran a short chain to an eyelet concealed in the base of one of the room’s statues. The tether was so short Kylo couldn’t rise from his knees._

_“It may be unnecessary but you can’t argue with the aesthetics of it.” Snoke was so close Kylo could feel his breath against his skin as he spoke. “It’s too bad this is to be a punishment.”_

_The Force was pushed away from Kylo by Snoke’s will. Kylo didn’t realize how much he relied on the Force, how closely he wrapped it around himself. Having it stripped away left him exposed in more ways than one._

_Kylo felt Snoke’s tongue slide up the ridge of his spine. Nausea threatened to overwhelm him. He tried to crawl away but the chain allowed him only a few feet in any direction. And Snoke’s hands and mouth followed him. Any resistance was met with a searing pain pressed on him through the Force, like Snoke had touched a live wire to his body._

_Sweat poured down Kylo’s body. His muscles twitched in agony and exhaustion. Snoke turned the chain around so he could pull Kylo back to his knees. The collar cut into Kylo’s throat and he struggled to breathe once again. Snoke hardly seemed to notice. His hand gripped Kylo’s hair and forced his mouth to his long, throbbing member._

_Kylo vaguely wondered at what point Snoke had exposed himself. The panic began to rise again. He wondered how much time he’d already lost under Snoke’s torture. And then Snoke’s dick was pushing past his lips. The taste was bitter, unwashed. The skin was too soft, too textured. Kylo gagged even before the head touched his throat, too aware of what was happening to him. He pulled away, reaching desperately for the Force, further than he had ever reached before._

_A blow like the one that broke his wrist struck him across the left thigh and more of the burning live currents seized his body. Snoke grabbed his hair again. “You are nothing. You exist only to serve me.” He ripped Kylo’s head back and stared down into his eyes. “You will take my dick in your mouth. You will service me, and you will thank me for the honor.”_

_Kylo tried to fight further. He told his body to flail, to resist, to die before he suffered this indignity. In his mind he screamed and scrambled like a feral animal. But, to his horror, he felt himself responding to the compulsion. Without his permission, his jaw unlocked and Snoke thrust deep into his mouth. Snoke needed nothing more from Kylo. He grabbed his head with both hands and fucked Kylo’s mouth, slamming down his throat at a brutal pace._

_Kylo gagged and struggled to breath. The contracting of his throat seemed only to spur Snoke on. He moaned. To Kylo’s humiliation, he realized he was crying. His face was wet with saliva and spit and tears. And suddenly the bruising assault on his throat was over. Snoke pulled out and spent his load across Kylo’s face, trails of cum running down slowly down Kylo’s neck._

_Snoke let go of Kylo and, in shock, he crumpled to the ground. Snoke laughed. “You have proven very useful, my pet.” He tucked himself away inside his robes. “Perhaps you can still provide further entertainment. Would you like that?” Every instinct in Kylo’s body told him to flee, to get away. He dragged himself across the cold marble floor, pulling on the chain until he choked, desperate to put every inch between him and Snoke._

_Snoke snapped his fingers. Kylo’s nerves were on fire. His body arched off the floor. “Answer me,” Snoke said._

_“Yes,” Kylo said. He was unsure if he even spoke the words aloud. “Yes, master.” Snoke snapped his fingers again._

_“Good.” The word felt like a nail in Kylo’s chest. He lay in a prone heap. Snoke walked out of Kylo’s line of sight and Kylo lacked the motivation to even turn his head to follow the man._

_When Snoke reappeared he was clutching something in his hand. At first, Kylo thought it was the hilt of a lightsaber. But, as the dim light finally illuminated the object, Kylo realized it was something far worse. A long string of anal beads swung from master’s hand. Silently, Snoke laid the beads along Kylo’s spine, letting him feel the length and weight. The toy was wet with some kind of gel but it was big and Kylo’s body entirely unprepared._

_“Please, Master,” Kylo begged. ‘Please. I have learned the error of my ways.” Kylo groveled. Snoke stroked his hair with a grotesque imitation of tenderness._

_“I’m sure you have,” Snoke said. He used the Force to press Kylo back to all fours. “But I think we can give it a more… lasting impact, hmm?”_

_The first bead was relatively small and pressed inside Kylo with only minor discomfort. However there was no pause before the second and third were pushed in after it. A physical agony different from all the other torment he had suffered that night seized Kylo. His body clenched, trying to expel the intrusion. However, Snoke matched and surpassed his efforts. More of the toy was forced in. Kylo felt his flesh separate, his muscles tear, the blood begin to run. He screamed._

 

“Kylo.”

Kylo was once again in the interrogation chamber aboard his star cruiser. The pilot, he realized, had

been calling his name. Poe’s face was streaked with tears. Kylo jolted to his feet, realizing what had happened. Poe held his gaze even through the barrier of his mask.

“Kylo, I am so sorry.” The minds of both men were still open, playing their thoughts back and forth between them without restraint. There was no deceit in Poe’s words. No pity. No mocking. Kylo looked at this pilot who had been forced to carry so many secrets for so long, and saw only compassion. It was something he had forgotten.

“Those men—“

“It was a long time ago,” Poe said, cutting Kylo off. However he couldn’t hide the waves of memories and emotions that passed over his mind.

“Perhaps not so long,” Kylo said. And then Poe thought of the feeling of having his mind laid open by Kylo. Of Kylo reaching into his innermost places and taking what he wanted by force.

“Perhaps not,” he said.

The realization struck something deep inside Kylo. He felt nauseous. He felt ashamed. He doubted himself. The secret pains of his body mocked him. He was no better than the beast that hurt him. But, under his robes the collar—different from the one in the memories but put there by the same hand—was a dead weight. If he failed to get the information he needed from the pilot the ramifications would be… severe.

For just a second, Poe considered telling Kylo the location of the map to spare him the torture Snoke would inflict. It was an impulse, nothing more. “Well, shit,” he said.

In the same moment, Kylo realized his thoughts were not private and the pilot had witnessed his shame, his weakness. Hatred and fear boiled up in Kylo. He seized the moment of Poe’s wavering and ripped the location of the map from him, simultaneously shocking the man with Force Lightening. The man screamed. Kylo didn’t relent until Poe sagged into unconsciousness.

He gathered himself. He shook off the memories of the past hour and shut himself up in the armor of Kylo Ren. He strode out of the room, swagger in his step like the interrogation had been routine.

General Hux was waiting.

“It’s in a droid. A BB unit.” He faced the general without wavering.

“Well then,” Hux said. “If it’s on Jakku we’ll soon have it.”

“I leave that to you,” Kylo said. He strode down the hall, desperate to be alone in his quarters. He fought the urge to take one last look at the pilot. It was over now. Kylo would never see the man again. He had outlived his usefulness. He would be discarded and sold as a slave.

Kylo’s steps faltered. Poe would be thrown into the very slave pen Snoke took his pick of. He fought the memory of Poe’s bruised face, the bravery he showed, the compassion he had shown his captor. Kylo turned his steps toward the barracks. If the pilot were to escape now, the shame would be on Hux’s head. That was for the best. The general was becoming annoyingly over bearing.

Kylo used the Force to search out the mind he needed. “Ah, FN-2187.” Kylo froze the Stormtrooper in place, ensuring he would remember nothing of what happened next. He had noticed on Jakku that Hux’s brainwashing hadn’t taken with this particular unit. It took almost no effort for him to snap the remaining threads of First Order control.

“Listen carefully,” Kylo said. And he planted the seeds of a plan.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo sat watching the girl sleep. He couldn’t help but think of the last prisoner he had interrogated in this chair. He felt shaky just being in this room again. A cold sheen of sweat coated his body.

The girl started awake.

“Where am I?” She was not as experienced at keeping fear out of her face as Poe had been.

“You’re my guest,” Kylo said. He had to focus on his mission. There was no other way.

“Where are the others?” She tried to make it a brave demand but her voice trembled around the edges.

“You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends?” The care and fear in her voice sparked Kylo’s annoyance, not least of all because it reminded him of the concern of the pilot. “You’ll be relieved to hear I have no idea.”

Anger and hatred tempered the girl’s relief. “You still want to kill me?” Kylo said, amused.

“That happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask,” she spat.

Kylo couldn’t help but wonder if she knew his secret. She had been with the Resistance. Had the pilot told them all? He raised his hands and disengaged his mask. He was Kylo Ren; he refused to cower.

He could read the surprise her face, even without the Force. He sensed she had not expected him to be so young, to look so human. So she didn’t know who he was at all, let alone his secrets. Kylo set his helmet down and paced closer to her. She was afraid. She tried not to show it but her eyes flickered to his nervously.

“Tell me about the droid,” he said.

“He’s a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator—“

“Carrying a section of a navigational chart,” Kylo said. “And we have rest, recovered from the archives of the Empire. But we need the last piece and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you.”

Kylo stared at the girl. She stared straight ahead. “You,” he said, “A scavenger.”

The girl looked down, seemingly embarrassed of her humble status. She, Kylo realized, was unaware of the Force swirling around her. She was unaware of the power inside her, and untrained in its use. That his master considered this girl the one who might replace him made Kylo seethe. He was the Leader of the Knights of Ren.

He would not be demoted to bed slave so his Master could rain favor on this vulture.

Kylo hated her for her ignorance. “You know I can take whatever I want,” he said. He extended his hand and leaned close enough for the girl to feel his breath on her skin.

“You’re so lonely,” he said. He scanned the surface of her mind. “So afraid to leave.” Kylo pushed in deeper starting to feel the ghost of guilt as he had to push past the walls of her mind.

“At night, desperate to sleep, you imagine an ocean.” Kylo felt a pang of empathy. “I see it,” he said softly. “I see the island.”

The pictures in the girl’s mind changed as she tried to direct what Kylo could see. “And Han Solo.” Kylo felt a pang of some near-forgotten pain as his father’s face swam before him. He had aged since Kylo had seen him last. “You feel like he’s the father you never had.”

Kylo dug for the anger at the family that abandoned him, for the despair of knowing they had given up on him. “He would have disappointed you,” he told the girl, reminding himself.

“Get out of my head,” she said. He felt an authority in the words, driven by the Force. It snapped him back to his task.

“I know you’ve seen the map.” He stepped back. “It’s in there. And now you’ll give it to me.”

Kylo parted the first layers of her mind and watched her face tense up with pain as she tried to repel him. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I feel it, too.”

“I won’t give you anything,” she said. Kylo felt her drawing unknowingly on the Force, shoring up her defenses. His pride flared.

“We’ll see,” he said, drawing on his real power for the first time. But, as he touched that dark place inside him that allowed him to open minds like books, he drew out the memories as well. He remembered Poe Dameron. He remembered how when he had broken into the pilot’s mind, it had felt like a violation, a defilement. He remembered those eyes like dark pools staring into him, “Perhaps not.”

Kylo needed to open the girl’s mind. He needed the information only she could offer. The thought of failing made him sick with fear. But the thought of forcing her, of breaking her made him sick with himself. Each time he tried, he found himself holding back. Each blow he threw, he pulled at the last moment.

And with each time she withstood his attacks the girl grew more confident. He felt her become aware of the Force channeling through her, lead to the realization by the touch of Kylo’s control. She leaned forward, pressing him now. Her control was inconsistent, but her power deep and wild.

“You are afraid,” she said, a glint of victory making her eyes glitter, “That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.” Kylo jerked back his hand like he’d been burned. He grabbed his helmet and fled.

****

In his quarters Kylo sat on his bunk, trying to steady his breathing. The girl had no idea what she had said, though she had spoken a truth he tried to hide even from himself. He knew the story of his grandfather. Darth Vader had overthrown the Emperor. Some said he did it to become the only Sith Lord and take the galaxy for himself. Others said in his last moments he found redemption and returned to the light.

Though once the story had fascinated him, now the details mattered little to Kylo. He cared nothing for redemption and it had been many years since he dreamed of ruling. The important thing was Darth Vader had the strength to overthrow his Master. That was the only legacy that held any meaning for Kylo. But he was afraid.

Kylo let his head fall into his hands. He didn’t know if he even had the strength to survive the punishment he’d receive for his failure. The fog of dread slowed his thoughts. He could already feel Snoke’s hands running along his body, the punishment they would inflict. He knew he deserved it, being bested by a scavenger girl.

Kylo jerked to his feet. The scavenger girl. It was so obvious. He would train her, protect her until she was ready. She had such strength and talent. Together. Together it would be possible. Kylo wanted to sprint to the interrogation chamber but just managed to contain himself. With her, he wouldn’t be alone. With her, there was—

Kylo rounded the corner to face an empty chair, the restraints all released. The girl was gone, escaped.

“NO!” Kylo yelled. His lightsaber flared to life in his hand. He swung it blindly around the room. “NO!”

****  
Poe woke with a headache splitting one eye and a sour smell turning his stomach. He felt the weight of a large body beside him and groaned. The night was slowly coming back to him when he realized with a start what had woken him. His communicator was humming against the floor, still attached to his discarded pants. He leapt for it, his body protesting. He nearly disconnected the call twice before he managed to answer.

“This is Poe.”

“Commander.” The tech on the other end sounded relieved that he had finally answered. “You’re needed back at base. There’s been movement from the First Order.”

Poe shot a glance at the sleeping giant he’d left in bed. “This channel might not be secure. Tell the general I’ll be with her within the hour.”

“Copy that, Commander. She’ll be waiting in the briefing room.”

Poe went to the refresher and splashed water on his face. He chanced a look in the mirror. It was more or less what he expected. The bruises on his arms, legs and thighs would be hidden easily enough. His lip was slightly swollen. He’d work out that excuse on the shuttle flight. Poe felt a twinge of self-loathing when he saw the bite marks and hickies sucked into his shoulders. It became a throb when he felt the tell-tale stabbing pain in his ass and belly.

Poe dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He was fucked up.

“It’s commander now, is it?” The man rolled over and looked at Poe with bleary eyes.

“That’s what all my other boyfriends call me,” Poe deadpanned. He managed to find his underwear.

“You leaving already?”

Poe grimaced and didn’t answer. The man sat up enough to grab Poe’s ass with rough hands.

“Come back to bed, baby. What’s the rush?”

Poe moved away and began buttoning his shirt. “Don’t touch me,” he said.

The man followed Poe. “Oh, you still like playing hard to get?” he said. He moved into Poe’s space, sticking his hands under Poe’s shirt. “I’m ok with that.”

“We’re done here,” Poe said, picking up his pants, turning his back on the man.

The man grabbed Poe’s arm, jerking him back. “Hey, we’re done when I say so, pretty boy.”

Poe’s vision tunneled. He pulled the blaster pistol from the belt of his pants and shoved it under the man’s chin. “We’re done now,” he said.

The man’s eyes widened. He raised his hands in the air. “Woah, woah. I was just playing,” he said. “You were into it last night.”

  
The hole of self-loathing in Poe’s chest erupted into a chasm. “I’m sure I was,” he said. He slowly backed away from the man keeping the blaster trained on him. “But now, we’re done.” Poe worked his pants on with one hand and backed out the door.

In the hallway he banged his head softly against the wall. “Why,” he whispered to himself, “Are you so fucking stupid?” For the space of an inhale Poe was overwhelmed. He was too aware of the pain in his body, of the peeling wallpaper and stained carpet of the seedy cantina inn, of someone finding out his secret again. His knees threatened to buckle and tears stung his eyes. Then he straightened his back, tucked his blaster back into its holster and walked toward the exit. He wasn’t going to fall apart now when the Resistance finally needed him.

*****

Poe slid into his seat in the briefing room. The rest of the council had already gathered, waiting for him to arrive. Poe was painfully aware of his wrinkled clothes and haggard appearance. No one even spared him a glance. Everyone was focused on the general..

That suited Poe just fine. He, too, was impatient to hear what had happened. There had been no news, no movement from the First Order since the Star Killer base had been destroyed. That was nearly six months past now. While everyone had adopted a no-news-is-good-news façade, it had them all on edge.

“Welcome everyone,” General Organa said. “Early this morning we received word that the First Order attacked and destroyed one of our outposts.” There was a general murmuring of surprise and concern throughout the room. The general kept speaking, commanding their attention easily.

“The installment on Tabuk was a small one; there were less than 100 operatives stationed there. However there are… circumstances that make this attack particularly alarming.” General Organa shuffled her hands across the desk. She looked at her clerk. “The holos, please.”

The images appeared above the table. Several people gasped. Even the most hardened war veterans clenched their jaws.

“There were nearly 30 casualties,” General Organa said. “However, as you can clearly see, this attack was directed at specific members of the Resistance.” She looked around the room. “This amount of brutality obviously indicates some sort of personal familiarity. We need to know what it is and why this man was targeted. If this is a message to us, or to our enemies, we need to know what it is.”

The general accepted a stack of files from her clerk. “All the personnel information and information on the attack is in these files. We need to look into whether this man could have been a double agent or any other possible motives.” The files were passed around the room. “This is priority number one, gentlemen.”

Poe heard this only as background noise. His eyes were fixed on the holos. A man was suspended from a rail system, his wrists badly broken by the weight of his body. The left wrist had broken so badly the bone had erupted through the skin, coating the man’s arm in blood. His torso had been slit open with a lightsaber. A deep swath had been carved from the keyhole of his chest through his belly. The man’s genitals were entirely destroyed.

The room spun. Poe’s entire body heaved. He stumbled from his chair. He barely made it to the hallway before he doubled up, retching. He vaguely heard people from the briefing room calling his name but it took all his strength not to black out.

He knew the motive: revenge.

 *****

“You’re sure you’re ok, Commander?” Poe sat across from General Organa. They were alone now. Everyone else had gone back to work, gone to search for answers they wouldn’t find. Poe felt like a child kept for detention.

“Yes, General,” Poe said. “It was just a shock. I knew the man well.

The general looked in the file. Poe knew it was for show. He had no doubt she’d memorized every detail long since. “Ah yes,” she said. “You went to flight school with Mr. Krapsen and have flown with him on several missions.

“Yes, ma’am. That is correct.”

“What can you tell me about him?”

Poe repressed a shudder. He could tell her what his naked body looked like arched above him. He could tell her the diameter of his fist based on the bruises it left. He could tell her he had a broken tooth where Poe had managed to head-butt him.

Poe swallowed. He knew he should be speaking.

He could tell her that Jalba never cut his fingernails. He could tell her about how his breath was so sickly sweet it seemed to leave a film on his skin. He could tell her what words he said and how his body jerked when he reached orgasm.

“He was a good pilot,” Poe said. “One of our best. He was injured five years ago flying a route from Eriadu.” Poe licked his lips. “It slowed him down some. He still could have been a top-tier pilot but after that he struggled with pills and drinking. He’s flown mostly shuttle routes and cargo ships lately. I heard his transferred to Tabuk for the chance to fly combat ships again.”

“You are, of course, aware he blamed you for his injury?” The general asked. Poe didn’t blink. This was all a matter of public record.

“Of course,” he said. “There was a hearing. I’m sure you remember: it was before I was promoted to Commander. The council reviewed all the evidence and ruled I had handled the situation appropriately. Jalba and I rarely interacted after that. When I was his flight officer we communicated about tasks necessary for the mission and left it at that.”

The general knew, of course, that he was keeping something from her.

“And you have no information about why he might have been targeted by Kylo Ren and the First Order?”

Poe wondered for the ten thousandth time that day whether he should tell her, if he should tell her everything. The general cocked her head and leaned forward slightly. Her eyes bored into him. The manner of the movement reminded him of Kylo Ren. Poe felt the touch of the Force against his mind and nearly jumped. He often forgot General Organa was Force Sensitive also. She wasn’t using it to press or pry information the way Kylo had. It was simply a heightened awareness, scanning him for clues.

He wondered if he should tell her she interrogated like her son.

Instinctively, Poe tightened the barriers of his mind. He was suddenly hyper-aware of the sheen of post-sex sweat still clinging to his skin. He imagined he could smell the scent of the man wafting through the room. The bruises and bite marks burned with shame.

Poe swallowed.

“No, General,” Poe said. “I have no idea why Kylo Ren did this.”

 *****

Poe lay in his bunk staring at the ceiling. He tried to ignore the way his skin was crawling, the way his body was trembling. He wanted to be horrified at what had happened to Jalba. He wanted to believe he was above such violence and revenge.

But Poe couldn’t deny the grim satisfaction he felt in his belly.

Never again would Jalba corner him in the locker room and rub up against him, promising they’d play again soon. Never again would he command a line of pilots and be unable to look them in the eye because one of them had forced him to his knees.

And it pleased some small, dark part of Poe that he had suffered. That, maybe, he had felt some small amount of the fear he’d inflicted on Poe that day.

But why had Kylo done it?

It surprised Poe to know that Kylo still thought of him, especially to such an extent. In some way, it made him feel less isolated. He thought of Kylo constantly. More than he liked. He’d played what had happened between them over and over in his mind. Kylo’s nightmares had become his own. He wondered if it was the same for Kylo.

Poe wanted to hate Kylo the way he had before that day on the Finalizer. Then, it had been so easy. Everything had been black and white, good and evil.

Now, he couldn’t stop thinking about Kylo’s face as Snoke choked him with an invisible hand. He couldn’t stop noticing that, before Snoke took his virginity, Kylo had worn simple black robes and no mask. He couldn’t stop feeling the weight of the collar around his neck. And, more than anything else, he remembered how Snoke had compelled Kylo to obey him, against all his own his desires. He thought about the unbearable pressure, forcing, bending him to compliance.

Poe had no doubt that Kylo Ren was an evil man. He was not so naïve to think that Kylo was just a victim. He had been tortured by Kylo. He had seen into his mind and seen the darkness. But he had seen something else that he hadn’t expected: fear. And more pain than he could ever have imagined.

When Rey had returned and given her report, Poe had heard things in it he was sure no one else had. Kylo had killed his father. He hadn’t killed Rey. He had offered to train her, asked her to join him. Poe remembered the hopeless, all-consuming isolation Kylo had felt.

Poe hated Kylo for killing Han.

He wondered what his punishment had been for losing Rey.


	3. Chapter 3

Poe barrel rolled to avoid the missiles tracing after him. He scraped one off on a passing tie fighter, whooping as the resulting explosion gave him an extra push of speed. Flipping his X-wing upside down to get a better angle, he fired and destroyed one of the anti-aircraft towers. BB-8 beeped excitedly.

“I know, buddy,” Poe said. “I felt it, too.”

Poe clicked on his comm. “This is Black Leader,” he said. “I’m inside the perimeter. This looks like it could be our biggest hit yet.” Poe’s body was practically vibrating with adrenaline. He looked down at the caches and warehouses that held First Order supplies. “I’m going to do a flyover to look for major target centers. The rest of you focus on getting those towers down.”

“Copy that, Black Leader,” his team chirped in his headset. 

“The gun mounts are weak on the starboard side,” Poe instructed. “Team up. Red 1, 3 and 5, you’re flying distraction. Red 2, 4 and 6 get into position and fire under those barrels.”

Poe counted the affirmatives from his team while dueling another pair of tie fighters. “Blue Squadron,” he called. “Follow me. We need to find and fire on their hangars or this is going to be a really short mission.”

The appropriate team of x-wings broke off, trailing behind Poe. To his left, another of the towers burst into flame.

“It looks like there are two hangars one on each end of the compound. We need to hit them both.” Poe gripped his controls tightly. “We’ve practiced for this folks. You know what to do.”

The team broke into two groups, the two pilots with the least experience flanking Poe. He led them streaking through the planet’s heavy atmosphere.

“Remember, we’re going to do two passes to make sure everything in that hangar is grounded. You cover me and follow my flight path.”

“Copy that, Black Leader,” said Blue 5.

“Blue 4, are you with me?” Poe called. He could see her ship following him but she had been silent on the radio call.

“Yes, Commander. Copy that,” she said. Her voice sounded a little shaky but determined.

“Alright,” Poe said. “Let’s get this done.”

He led his team around the back of the compound. As he went he marked targets on the navigational charts and transmitted them to the rest of the squadrons. The fire decreased as more of the towers fell to his team’s offense.

The hangar came into sight. “Alright,” Poe said again. “Remember, fire and pull out. We’ll circle back for the second run.”

Poe dipped the nose of his X-wing. His flankers followed him smoothly. He fired his rounds and watched each of them hit the hangar directly. The others fared nearly as well. It was a textbook run.

And then the explosion lit up the sky. It was far bigger than it should have been—what had they been keeping in that hangar? The heat and force pushed Poe off course. He gripped his controls, steering back into swell.

“Blue 4, Blue 5 stay low!” He barked into his headset. “The X-wings can handle the heat. I repeat: stay low.” Poe was unsure if they could even hear him over the noise of the explosions. His ship shook and rattled in the superheated air. He opened the throttle, pulling away. 

Behind him Blue 5 followed him, picking up his trail seamlessly through the smoke.

“Black leader my ship won’t hold. My controls are seizing.” Poe recognized the voice of Blue 4.

“Blue 4 open your throttle and ease off your regulator,” Poe said. “You’re going to be ok.” He watched in horror as the ship pulled up sharply—a panic maneuver—straight into the firing path of one of the remaining towers. 

“DIVE, BLUE FOUR,” he yelled. He swung his X-wing around, shooting blindly at the tower, attempting to draw its fire. “I REPEAT: DIVE.” 

Anything Poe could have done would have been too late. He watched Blue 4 suffer a direct hit to the belly of her fighter, both engines igniting. He heard the young woman’s screams echoing through his comm.

Poe felt his mind coalesce with singular focus. He flew his X-wing directly at the tower, easily dodging their fire. He waited until he was within feet of where he knew the command center must sit before he pulled the trigger. He wanted them to see their death approach the way he’d seen the death of his pilot. Poe imagined he could almost see the looks of paralyzed shock on their faces in the instant before the tower crumbled and he zipped past the rubble.

“Black Leader this is Blue 5. Waiting for orders, sir.”

The words snapped Poe back to the situation at hand. He shook his head clearing the mist of revenge. Blue 5 had wisely gotten clear of the fighting after the team had been split up. Poe set his mouth in a grim line.

“Rejoin the rest of Blue Squadron on the south side and proceed with Priority 2 targets, Blue 5,” Poe said. He flew over the smoldering wreckage that had been Blue 4. “Let’s finish this and get out of here.”

****

The blur of lightspeed didn’t settle Poe’s nerves the way it normally did. He sighed, rubbing his neck. He had lost pilots before. Lots of them. More than he cared to remember. But this was different. This was a blue milk run. He should have brought them all home. 

Should she have been out there? Poe had observed her flight class just a few weeks ago. Emil Dontab—Blue 4—had flown with competence and confidence. She had shown such promise. But it was different when the lasers weren’t just for show. Maybe she hadn’t been ready. 

Maybe he should have assigned her to the other team. It was a special kind of arrogance to assume that she was safer with him, that his skill would somehow provide her an advantage. She had flown more hours with Blue Leader. Maybe he would have been able to get through to her. 

“Dwooooo,” BB-8 beeped from the rear cockpit. The little droid was worried about Poe.

“I’m okay, buddy,” Poe said. 

“Deet deet. Dee-reet! Beep dee-breet.”

“I know. I know,” Poe said. “I did everything I could. It wasn’t my fault.”

Poe thought of Jalba rubbing his mangled leg.

Was it his fault?

Suddenly Poe’s comm chattered to life. “Poe? Poe is that you?” The voice cracked and hissed with static until it was barely audible. 

Poe opened his mic. “This is Poe,” he said. “Finn is that you?”

“Poe! Thank god. I’ve been scanning for you for days. Seriously man, where have you been?” 

Poe huffed with exaggerated annoyance. “Some of us have jobs to do, Finn. My team has hit four supply caches this week.” There was silence on the line for a long second that made Poe inexplicably nervous. 

“But why have you been scanning for me? Is everything okay on your end?”

More static popped but Poe heard Finn draw a hesitant breath. “Are you the only one who can hear me?”

Poe double checked that all his channels were muted. “The line is secure on my end,” he said. There was a pit of nervousness in his belly. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

There was another moment of hesitation. 

“We got him, Poe,” Finn’s voice was an excited whisper. “Rey and her team brought him in. We finally got the bastard.”

Poe nearly jerked himself out of lightspeed and into a fiery crash.  
“WHAT?!” Poe was sure he must have misunderstood. There was no other explanation.

“We got him. He’s here at the base.” There was some shuffling and voices in the background. “I’ve got to go,” Finn said. “Just get here, Poe. I’ll tell you everything then.”

“Finn, don’t close this line! FINN!” Poe slammed his fist into his steering column. He’d be home within eight hours.

That was too long to wait.

****  
Poe sat at the briefing table looking at a live feed of Kylo’s cell. All truth told, it was kind of anti-climactic. The room was sterile: no furniture, nothing on the walls. Kylo Ren was strapped to a chair much like the one Poe had been kept in aboard the Finalizer. Kylo hadn’t moved at all since Poe had started watching him. His eyes were closed, his lashes forming dark circles against his pale skin.

Poe studied Kylo’s face. A fine scar now ran from his jaw to the side of his nose. That would be where Rey had struck him at the Starkiller Base. There was a limpness to his form and a slackness to his skin that seemed off to Poe. A patina of sweat coated every bit of Kylo’s visible skin.

“Is he injured?” Poe asked the room at large, not taking his eyes off Kylo. 

“Most certainly,” said Admiral Ackbar. “He was injured by the turbo lasers of his own Starfighters. That is what allowed Rey and the others to capture him.”

“He’s refused treatment since we got him here,” General Organa said. “He won’t let anyone approach.”

“We had hoped that the persistence of pain would soften his resolve but so far, nothing,” Admiral Ackbar continued. “Even the use of the chair’s electro-fields failed—“

Poe shot to his feet so fast his legs banged against his chair hard enough to bruise.

“YOU TORTURED HIM?!” he demanded. The general would not meet his eye. “You tortured him,” Poe said again in shocked disbelief. 

“He tortured you, Poe,” said Rey. “And me.” She waved her arm in an encompassing gesture. “He’s tortured a galaxy.”

“Are we basing our choices on what he would do now?” Poe asked. “Aren’t we supposed to be the good guys?”

“Resistance resources are thin, Poe,” said Finn. “You of all people know that. You’ve been flying yourself to the breaking point looking for whatever we can scavenge from their weapons caches.” Finn leaned toward Poe. His brown eyes were earnest. “If the information I gave you made such a difference imagine what we could do with the information Kylo Ren has. We could end this thing.”

There was a murmur of agreement around the room. Several people nodded. For a fraction of a second Poe hesitated. The sound of Blue 4’s dying scream was still echoing in his ears. What would the end of the war look like? What if he never led another too-young pilot to their death? He looked at the holo-vid again. He remembered the ocean of fear and pain contained in Kylo’s mind. 

What would the cost be?

“General, you always said you believed there was still some light in him.” Poe walked around the table and crouched beside her chair. “Do not betray that belief by letting him pull out the darkness in you.”

Her face was drawn and tired. He could see the struggle of the mother and the general going on inside of her. 

“I would like to speak to Poe alone,” she said. 

“But general—“ Rey said. General Organa silenced her with an upheld hand.

“We will be brief Rey,” she said. She turned to the rest of the council. “The room, please.”

Obediently everyone began to file out. Finn clapped his hand on Poe’s shoulder as he passed. Rey shot him a confused look as she shut the door.

“Please, sit, Commander,” General Organa said. “You’ll make me feel like I am still a princess. It’s easy enough to confuse an old woman these days.”

She straightened her papers with neat, decisive motions, once again not looking at Poe. Poe slid into the chair beside her. He studied her profile, waiting.

“I think it’s time you tell me what you know of my son,” she said finally. She still did not turn to face him.

Poe felt his eyes go flat. On reflex, he tightened his grip on all his secrets. “General?” he asked, feigning confusion.

Finally she looked at him. He was surprised to see how tired she looked. Her face was drawn and pinched. “I think,” she said. “For the duration of this conversation it would be better if you called me Leia. I’m not speaking to you as an officer now.”

This, more than anything, shocked Poe.

“Leia,” he said with just a touch of awe.

She met his eyes now and held his gaze. “You have as much reason to hate Ben as anyone here.” The words were matter-of-fact. “You have experienced his brutality in a personal way few have, both on Jakku and aboard his ship. Rey was right: he tortured you.”

Leia stood now, pacing a few steps. “I read the reports on your injuries after you returned.” 

Poe shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Leia turned and paced back toward him.

“I also know, Poe, that this war takes its toll on you. You have flown far too many missions and seen far too many battles for one was young as you.” Leia paced away from him again. Poe sat frozen, gripping the arms of his chair like they were his only anchor. 

“As your general, I know that it is necessary. But as a woman who cares for you as a son, it pains me.” She paced back, standing close to Poe now.

“You experience the deaths of your pilots with an intimacy few understand. You take it upon yourself to be their vigil, their witness. It is a heavy, heavy burden to bear.” It was Poe’s turn to avoid her eye. “Even now, grief and anger nearly consume you. It would leave anyone jaded.”

Leia touched his hair gently. He lifted his chin to meet her gaze.

“And yet you are the only one in a room full of my most trusted advisors who would argue for mercy.”

Poe looked down. Leia knelt beside him. Poe felt a surge of unease. Leia was a general—his general—and a queen—his queen. She should kneel to no one. He made to pull her to her feet and kneel himself but she grabbed his hands, aborting the motion.

“You were not always so temperate of nature, Poe,” she said. “It was not so very long ago you were young and brash. You would have been calling for Kylo Ren’s head.” Leia squeezed his hands. “Something has changed your mind.”

She looked up at him imploringly.

“Please, what is it you know of my son?”

Poe wavered. He had thought of telling her many times. But the secrets he had gained weren’t his to share. 

“When Ky-… when Ben entered my mind I got a look into his, too.” Poe heard Leia’s breath catch in a small gasp. “It wasn’t what I expected,” Poe said. He chose his words carefully. “I don’t know if your son can be saved, but I know there is more to him than the darkness.”

Tears gathered in Leia’s eyes. 

“What do I do, Poe?” Poe’s heart ached for her.

“I’d like to talk to him.” The words surprised Poe as much as they surprised Leia. But once they were said, they solidified into a real plan. 

“Let me talk to him. Alone, without the surveillance equipment.” Leia stood, already shaking her head.

“It’s impossible,” she said. 

“No, it’s not,” Poe said. “That cell only has one door. Put your guards outside as insurance.”

Leia’s head snapped up. She scowled at Poe. “The issue is not with my trust in you, Poe.” She sank back into her chair with a sigh. “It is an issue of safety. The room and the chair emit Force suppressant energy but they aren’t 100% effective.” 

Leia rubbed her eyes. “And I think it would be an unnecessary risk. No one has been able to get him to say a single word since he’s been here, myself included.”

“That’s why we need to change our tactics,” Poe said. “Maybe I can get somewhere if I go in alone, without the formality, without the interrogation. He’ll remember me.”

Poe leaned toward Leia. He needed her to understand. “The council is going to continue to press for more drastic measures the longer he gives us nothing. That’s only going to push him further away. If there’s even a chance, we need to know now.”

Poe could see the intense maternal longing battling the pragmatic general behind Leia’s eyes. “It’s unfair to ask you to take that risk,” she said. Her hands were trembling. 

“You’re not asking me to do anything,” Poe said. “This is something I need to do.”

Poe could see the question on Leia’s face. She wanted to know what he wasn’t telling her. The request hung in the air between them. Poe turned his back on it.

“Okay.”

“What?” Poe whirled back around, shocked.

“Okay,” Leia said softly. “I’ll turn off the surveillance equipment and ensure it stays off until you’re finished. But I am going to post a guard outside the door—along with Rey—for your safety.”

“Thank you, Leia.” Poe clasped her hand. “Thank you.”

She gave him a tired smile. “Go, Commander. Before I think better of it. I’ll give the order.”

Poe nodded. He strode quickly to the door. 

“Commander,” Poe looked back. She was standing with her back to him. “You had better know what you’re doing.”

“Yes, General.”

****

The last thing Poe saw before the doors slid shut was Rey’s scowling face. He gave her a cheeky wave. 

“I think your girlfriend is upset with you.” Kylo’s voice was weak but hadn’t lost any of its condescension and venom.

Poe was slightly surprised. The general had said Kylo had refused to speak since his arrival. Poe slowly turned to face him. “You of all people should know that’s a problem I don’t have to worry about,” he said. 

Kylo snorted. 

“You are bold to talk about that here, Pilot.” Kylo looked up at the camera mounted above his head. “They’re the ones forcing you to hide it, aren’t they?”

Poe leaned against the wall. “The camera is off, Kylo,” he said. “It’s just you and me.”

Kylo sneered. “Your precious general told you that, did she?” He rolled his eyes. “You’re a fool to believe her.”

Poe shook his head. “My droid, BB-8—I’m sure you remember the one—is standing guard in the control room. If anyone even looks at that console too hard he’ll let me know.” Poe showed Kylo the communicator wired especially for alerts from BB-8.

Kylo considered it for a long moment. 

“So why are you here?” He asked. “Have you come for your revenge?”

Poe shoved his hands in his pockets. “No,” he said. “You already gave me my revenge.”

The silence was heavy. It filled the room with a tangible energy.

“I don’t believe you,” Kylo whispered finally. “This is a trick.”

“It’s not a trick,” Poe said. He walked closer to Kylo. He felt Kylo start to push against him with the Force. Kylo’s face strained as he reached for the power. 

Poe held up his hands. “It’s not a trick,” he said again. He shuddered. He had reached the stupidest, most reckless part of his plan. 

“You know how I hide my secrets,” he said. “Look for yourself.” Poe took a steadying breath and dropped all the defenses of his mind. He took another deep breath, and another. He willed his mind open, projecting the truth for Kylo to read, trying his best not to brace against the intrusion.

When he felt the touch of Kylo’s mind, it was not like he expected. Poe could feel the bruising power from before behind the touch, but this time it was restrained. Kylo combed through his mind gently. The presence was alien and different but not unpleasant. It was like a cool hand against a feverish forehead rather than a brutish ransacking. 

Kylo withdrew. Poe sighed in relief and surprise. Kylo stared at him and nodded once, a short jerky motion. Poe’s knees felt weak. He sat unceremoniously on the floor. 

“Thank you,” Poe said. 

Kylo nodded again. His face had gone deathly pale, a shade beyond his normal pallor. A fresh sweat had broken out on his skin. His eyes fluttered, rolling back in his head.

Poe jumped to his feet. “Kylo,” he said.

Kylo’s eyes flashed open before rolling back again. His head lolled to the side. 

“Shit,” Poe said. He raked his fingers back through his hair. He walked closer to Kylo but stopped well short.

“Kylo,” he called. There was no response. Kylo was breathing but action was strained and shallow. 

“Shit,” Poe said again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who's left comments or kudos on this work. This is my first ever bit of fanfiction and the positive feedback is really encouraging. So thanks.
> 
> Also, I realize this chapter might feel a little thin on the action. I think it's a necessary bridge to what comes next so please bear with me. I have a good chunk of the next chapter written already so--assuming everything goes as planned--I should be ready to update early next week.


	4. Chapter 4

Kylo heard the hiss-pop of compression restraints releasing. He furrowed his brow. Had he given the order for a prisoner to be moved? He couldn’t remember. That was concerning. He struggled to open his eyes. Were they crusted shut with blood again? He rubbed his palms against his face.

And then he registered the telling grip of pressure cuffs against his own legs and someone jostling his robes.

Panic surged through him. He Force choked the person, driving them away from him. He was Kylo Ren. He was—

Pain rippled through Kylo. The Force seeped through his grasp like water. The room—which had just begun to come into focus—spun out of control. His vision tunneled. The air in his lungs felt stale. How long had it been since he’d drawn a breath?

He didn’t intend to release the Force choke but he heard the thud of a body hitting the ground telling him he had. He stretched to regain control but the Force was so very far away. The more he reached, the faster the room spun.

Suddenly the pilot appeared in front of him. That was happening far too often now days. He would have to be—

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry.”

\-- more careful or Snoke would find out.

Wait. That wasn’t what the hallucination usually said. Kylo attempted again to clear his mind.

Gradually, it came back to him. He let his head fall back against the chair with a solid thunk. Prisoner. He shouldn’t have wasted his strength reading the pilot’s mind. Foolish.

The pilot—the real one—was speaking again. He was holding his throat with one had but moving forward with purpose.

“I’m going to take the rest of the restraints off,” he said. “Then I’ll see if I can help.”

True to his word, the pilot opened the remaining cuffs. Without their support, Kylo felt himself collapsing. He braced for the impact but the pilot caught him smoothly. The smaller man grunted under his weight but lowered him gently to the floor. 

“Maybe skip the gym once in a while, huh?” Poe said. Kylo felt himself smile. Out of the chair, the pressure keeping him from the Force had lessened. Drawing on it was still like wading through a swamp but it was comforting none the less. 

The sound of a zipper made Kylo’s eyes snap to the pilot. Kylo would have hit him with the Force again on instinct if he had been able to reach it quickly enough in his weakened state.

Poe, Kylo realized, was just unzipping his jacket and shirt to access the first aid supplies he’d strapped to his torso. 

Kylo gave Poe a wry smile. “Are all the best pilots in the Resistance smugglers?” A different kind of pain shot through him at the allusion to his father. If Poe noticed, he didn’t comment.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Poe said. 

He knelt beside Kylo. He offered him a bottle of water. Kylo forced himself to accept it slowly. His body screamed at him to guzzle it. He opened it and sipped. Relief washed through him.

“Will you let me…” Poe gestured from the bacta pads to Kylo. Kylo stiffened, but nodded. Slowly he started to remove his robes to expose his torso, deliberately facing away from the pilot. He heard Poe inhale sharply as the wound on his back was revealed. Kylo pulled the Force in a little more to shore up against the new waves of pain from moving his injured muscles and the cold air hitting the angry gash.

“Did they see this when they brought you in?” Poe asked. Kylo thought he heard a trace of anger in his voice. 

“Someone did, I’m sure,” Kylo said. “Someone dressed me in new robes. Mine obviously didn’t survive.” Poe didn’t respond but Kylo could practically hear him grinding his teeth. Poe probed Kylo’s shoulder with gentle fingers. Kylo bit down hard to stop a gasp of pain. 

“Broken,” Poe said. “More than once, I think. Someone’s set it already but nothing else. I can’t do anything more with what I have here.” He rifled through his meager supplies.

“It’s okay,” Kylo said quietly. “I can manage the pain.” There was a definite twinge of anger from Poe now. Kylo didn’t need to look at him to sense it. The anger grew as Poe studied the open laceration tracing from Kylo’s left shoulder across his back to his right hip.

Kylo flinched away from it involuntarily. “I’m sorry.” Poe’s voice was soft. “I’m going to clean this and coat it with bacta. That should clear up the infection and bind it together some.” Poe’s hands hesitated, fluttering above Kylo’s back. “It’s going to hurt. I’m sorry.”

Kylo set his mouth in a grim line. That, at least, he was used to.

Poe did his work quickly. Though the wound itself burned until Kylo’s vision tunneled again, Poe’s hands were gentle. The touch raised goosebumps on Kylo’s skin. 

Poe paused after finishing his work. Kylo could feel him staring, studying the many scars that wove across his back. Kylo made to pull his robes back on but Poe stopped him.

“Let the bacta dry,” he said simply, turning away. Kylo nodded. He leaned his good shoulder against the wall.

A long silence stretched between them. Kylo wondered if the pilot was working up to the real task he’d been sent in here to do, whatever it was.

“That should have killed you,” Poe said.

Kylo shrugged with his good shoulder. It still hurt. “The Force allows to me survive a lot things that would kill someone else.” He thought about the bones in his shoulder. “And obviously someone made took a look while I was still unconscious.”

There was silence again.

“Can I ask you something?” Kylo’s eyes narrowed. His guards came up. Here it was, finally. 

“Why didn’t you break into Rey’s mind the way you did mine?”

Kylo stared. This was not what he had expected. He looked at Poe out of the corner of his eye.

“She said you couldn’t, that she fought you off.” Poe picked at the hem of his pants. “She’s strong. I get that.” Poe hesitated. “But I felt your power. You could have broken a mind ten times more guarded than mine.”

Surprise, more than anything, startled the truth out of Kylo.

“Because of you,” Kylo said. Poe wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his chin on his own arm. 

“I remembered what you showed me that day,” Kylo continued. “The violation, the violence. How it was like… how it was the same.” Kylo licked his lips. “How it was just another form of rape.” He spit the word, pain twisting his face. “I was no better than them. I thought of all of that. And I just couldn’t.”

The expression on Poe’s face was one Kylo didn’t understand. 

“Today I let you touch all of those places inside me willing,” Poe said. Comprehension donned on Kylo. The full intimacy of what he’d done was just striking the pilot. If to take by brute strength was akin to rape a voluntary surrender and exchange was…

Kylo quirked the corner of his mouth in a small smile.

Poe considered Kylo for a long moment. 

“You could have hurt me,” he said.

“Yes,” Kylo replied simply.

“Why didn’t you?”

“You’ve been hurt enough.”

Poe flashed a dazzling smile. Kylo sensed that smile fooled most people

He touched a yellowing bruise on Poe’s ribs. Poe shuddered but didn’t pull away. He stared into Kylo’s eyes. 

“Who hurt you?” 

Poe’s smile had turned brittle and hollow. Kylo withdrew his hand, waiting.

“It’s not what you think,” Poe said finally. “I let them do it.”

“Who is them?” A spasm of anger made Kylo’s fingers twitch.

“Anyone who wants to.” Poe angrily fastened his shirt over his bruises. He was fighting back tears. “Jalba was right. I’m just a faggot whore.” 

Kylo stared straight ahead. He tested his grip strength against his thighs. It was weak.

“He knew why before I killed him,” Kylo said. His voice was hardly more than a dull rumble but he knew Poe could hear him. “He begged. He offered to do for me what he forced you to do. As if I’d want any part of his filth.”

Poe laughed a humorless, bitter laugh. He let his head fall back against the wall. “You shouldn’t have done that for me,” he said. “I’m not worth it.”

Silence fell between them. Kylo could feel Poe studying him.

“I didn’t tell her, you know,” Poe said finally. Kylo didn’t need to ask who “she” was. 

“I know you didn’t,” Kylo said. He studied his hands to avoid making eye contact. “Thank you.”

Poe continued to study him. Kylo felt the blood rise in his cheeks. He wondered what the pilot saw.

“It’s over now,” Poe said. His voice was so soft it barely seemed to stir the air between them. “He’ll never hurt you again.”

Kylo scoffed at the pilot’s naivety. He felt stirring of regret at the wounded look on Poe’s face but he tamped it out. 

He was Kylo Ren.

“Eventually,” he said. “I’ll find a way to go back. Or, perhaps, the Resistance will grow the nerve to execute me.” 

“Why?” Poe’s eyes were glittering with angry disbelief. He pushed away from the wall to better face Kylo. “Why would you ever go back to that monster?”

The anger welled up inside Kylo. It filled his core and gave him a rush of strength. He, too, pushed away from the wall. Poe scrambled back, afraid. Kylo felt a pang of misery but used it to fuel his anger.

“I’m going to go back because I’m going to kill him.” The words were cruel, cold and self-assured. That gave Kylo another rush of confidence. He stood.

He was Kylo Ren. He was the grandson of Darth Vader.

Poe stopped moving away and stared up at Kylo.

“So stay,” he said. “Let us help you.”

Kylo laughed. It was an unrepentant, mocking sound. “You? The resistance?” He shook his head. His dark eyes seemed to have turned black. “You would be worse than useless to me. My only hope is the power of the dark side. 

Professional pride bristled in Poe. “The Resistance managed to capture you,” he said. 

Kylo knew he should choke the life out of the pilot for that comment. He should leave him as another corpse in his wake, more fuel for his anger.

He balled his hands into fists.

“Yes,” he said. “I have been… distracted lately. Something I intend to rectify.” Kylo turned his back on Poe. “I think you should leave.”

“But—“ 

Kylo sent out a warning pulse through the Force. It nearly sent him crashing back to his knees but he refused to telegraph that to the pilot. Poe stood and moved toward the door, pausing before opening it. 

“They say Vader came back to the light before he overthrew Palpatine,” Poe said. He didn’t turn around. He keyed the sequence that would alert the others he was ready to leave. 

“You wanted to train Rey because you need her,” he said as the door began to hiss and unseal. “She’s here. Training.”

****

“This is not what we discussed, Commander!” Poe had rarely seen General Organa angry and that anger had never before been directed at him. It was scarier than he cared to admit. “What were you thinking?”

Poe blinked innocently. “I’m sorry, General,” he said. The holovid of Kylo was once again projecting above the conference table. “You told me to talk to him. That would have been hard for me to do if he was in shock from his injuries.”

The general’s face paled slightly. 

“Impossible!” Admiral Ackbar croaked. “He’s been in our custody for nearly three days and shown no signs of imminent distress.”

Poe rolled his eyes. He knew he was flirting with the line between sass and insubordination but found it hard to care.

“He uses the Force to suppress the impact of his injuries,” he said. “Obviously well enough to fool all of you.” Murmurs broke out around the table. The others looked from the holo to Poe with mistrust.

“It’s true,” Rey said. “He did the same thing on the Starkiller planet after being hit with Chewy’s bowcaster.” 

“And his injuries now are severe enough to necessitate similar action?” General Organa asked.

A bitter laugh burst out of Poe. Rey shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

“He was wounded by Star Destroyer fire, General,” Rey said.

Poe cut her off.

“His spine is practically exposed.”

“I was told,” the general said, her voice excruciatingly calm, “That he received medical care in transit.”

“He did, General,” Rey said. “I oversaw it myself.”

“Basic first aid at best,” Poe said. 

Rey swung to face him. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes wet with anger. “We had limited supplies and plenty wounded of our own to care for, General,” she said, excluding Poe from the conversation even though she was looking at him. “We saw to his care as best we could.”

“His wounds aren’t even bandaged!” Poe yelled.

“Hey man,” Finn said. “Lay off a little.” He placed a restraining hand of Poe’s shoulder. Poe shrugged it off.

“Perhaps we are getting away from the issue at hand,” said another member of the council. “What we should be discussing is the Commander’s decision to release Kylo Ren from his restraints.”

“That’s correct,” chimed in another. “Without the use of the interrogation chair, the Force-negating field is diminished by a third.”

“Not to mention we lose the advantage of knowing precisely where the prisoner will be if we need to approach,” someone else said.

“We can see him,” Poe said, gesturing to the holo. 

“Enough, Commander,” the general said sharply.

“But General—“ 

“I said, enough, Poe,” the general said more softly. 

Poe withdrew into himself. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, what his goal was. These were the men and women he had looked up to all his life. He had put himself in mortal danger countless times because he believed in them and their cause. He still did. He trusted them.

So why couldn’t he stop thinking about Kylo’s flayed open back, the muscles exposed and twitching, the bones in his shoulder held in place only by luck, the feverish sheen of his skin and the tremors of pain he fought so hard to repress?

Poe thought about the touch of Kylo’s mind against his. Poe felt himself blush remembering the intimacy of the exchange. The power of Kylo’s mind was overwhelming, encompassing—even weakened by his captivity. It was the same sensation he got from staring at the open galaxy from his X-wing. Surrounded by it Poe felt insignificant, in danger of being swallowed up. But he also felt like maybe that’s all he ever wanted.

Poe remembered the way Kylo had brushed his chest. His fingers had been strong and calloused, his skin slightly cool. It had been the first time Kylo had touched had touched him physically.

Poe shook himself. The general was speaking. There was a note of resignation in her voice that snapped Poe back to attention. 

“The colonel is correct,” she said, nodding to one of Poe’s detractors. “The risk of containing such a powerful prisoner is already too great. We can’t place our members in any further danger. Our options are limited. However—“

Lieutenant Ematt cleared his throat. Everyone in the room turned toward him. Poe felt his stomach sink, though he was unsure why.

“If I may interrupt, General, I believe I may have the answer,” Ematt said.

General Organa gave him a wry smile. For a moment, it sent Poe on another tangent, comparing it to Kylo’s crooked smile. It was different, he decided. Kylo got his smile from his father. Poe shook himself again.

“I believe you already have, Caluan,” the general said. “Let’s hear what you have to say.”

“It would seem to me that perhaps we are still asking the wrong questions,” Ematt said. “We have had young Kylo Ren here for three days and have made no strides toward any sort of resolution. We’ve tried overtures of aid, torture, even a face-to-face confrontation with his mother.” Poe watched a shadow of deep pain pass over the general’s face. She gave no outward reaction. 

“But he has kept his own council until visited by the commander,” Ematt concluded.

Poe’s blood chilled at the insinuation. 

“Poe Dameron has my full trust, Lieutenant,” General Organa said sharply. “And you would do well to remember who brought him to the Resistance.” Poe noticed she had remained standing when Ematt had risen to speak.

Ematt bowed. “Of course, General,” he said. “I didn’t mean to imply any wrong doing on the part of Commander Dameron.” Poe rolled his eyes again. “I only meant to suggest that—if any connection exists—we exploit it to gain the upper hand in negotiations and interrogations.”

“How do you recommend we do that?” General Organa asked.

“Send the commander to interrogate him again,” Ematt said as if it were obvious. He planted his hands on the table. “Only this time, leave the cameras on so we can analyze the exchange first hand. Every word is a mountain of information we’ve never explored.”

“I doubt Kylo Ren will speak freely if he suspects we are listening, Lieutenant,” General Organa said. “That was, after all, the original problem.”

Ematt leaned forward, his voice and posture increasingly animated. “What is a little deception for the cause of good and justice, General?” There was a hum of appreciation in the room.

“He can read my mind,” Poe said. Ematt looked at Poe in surprise, like he had forgotten Poe was capable of understanding him and his ingenious plan. Poe bristled. 

“He did it aboard the Finalizer and he did it again today,” Poe said. It was technically the truth. “I don’t have Rey’s defenses.” 

Rey gave him a guilty look. 

Ematt smiled at Poe. “Then we’ll have to level the playing field.”

Ematt waved over his personal assistance droid, TL-242. “This,” he said, retrieving a circular ring from his droid, “=Works with the same Force-disrupting technology the cell is equipped with.” 

He set it on the table for them all to wonder at. “Only it’s far more concentrated and effective.”

“If we can get this on him,” Ematt said, “It should disrupt his Force connection almost entirely. It should even bend his will enough to make him open to suggestion from our interrogators and Jedi.” There were several audible gasps. 

“It’s unlikely it would be fully effective on someone as powerful as Kylo Ren,” Ematt hedged, “But it might give us fighting chance if we use all of our advantages.” 

The look Ematt gave Poe made the color rise in his face. He felt cold and detached, like he was watching the events from underwater. Everything felt removed.

Rey leaned forward, squinting at the contraption. “Luke told me about those,” she said. “They were used during the old wars to break Jedi and turn them to the dark side.” Her eyes snapped up to Ematt. “They were banned and made illegal by the Republic.”

“The Republic was destroyed,” Ematt said. “By Kylo Ren and his followers. We must pursue every avenue to ensure they can’t continue to commit such atrocities.”

Ematt clicked the device open and closed as if to demonstrate how easy it would be. The sound made Poe’s stomach heave for the second time that day. Suddenly the room rushed back into focus. The colors over-corrected, becoming too dense, too saturated. 

“You want to put a collar on him,” Poe said. He was shocked by how calm his voice sounded. Inside his head was a nightmare. “You want to collar him like a slave and—hopefully—it’ll compromise his free will enough that we can use him like a puppet.”

The nightmare wouldn’t stop playing. Poe rubbed his eyes.

“I agree with Poe,” said Finn. “This sounds like something they’d do to the Troopers who disobeyed in training.” Poe felt a rush of gratitude. He nodded at Finn. 

“But is it irresponsible to avoid the task because it may seem unsavory?” said another council member, a small woman with jet black hair. Poe didn’t know her by name. “Our people have born the cost of this war. It is up to us to ensure that cost remains as low as possible. I will not sacrifice their lives for the comfort of the monster that terrorized them.”

There was a ripple of agreement.

“What do you think Rey?” the general asked. 

Rey hesitated. She pulled her feet up onto her seat and draped her arms over one leg. 

“I don’t like it,” she said. “I know it’s wrong.” Poe felt a surge of relief. “But I am afraid,” Rey continued. It was Poe’s turn to feel a pang of guilt. Rey looked around the room meeting the eye of anyone who would look at her.

“You all look to me for protection.” She shook her head. “But he is stronger, well trained. I am terrified I will let you all down when it matters most.”

General Organa planted her hands on the table. When Ematt had done it only minutes before it had looked self-assured and confident. From the general, it only looked tired.

“I have been your leader for nearly 30 years,” she said after a long minute. “I hope you have always known the choices I make I do not make lightly.” She sat down. “And I fear this is a decision that I am too close to make with a clear head.” 

She looked around the room. “You are my most trusted advisors and allies,” she said. “This is not a democracy. But this decision I leave to you.”

A weight settled over the room. Several people shuffled uncomfortably in their seats. 

“I vote for the application of the device and any measures necessary,” Ematt said.

“Seconded,” said the small woman.

“Opposed,” Poe said, raising his chin defiantly. 

Finn met his eyes, nodding. “Opposed,” he echoed. 

Rey and one other abstained from the vote. Everyone else sided with Ematt.

“So be it,” said General Organa. She turned her back on the room. Poe wondered if he imagined the way her shoulders trembled. “We’ll reconvene tomorrow to discuss methods and execution.”

“NO,” said Poe. For the second time that day he shot to his feet so quickly he bruised his legs against the seat of his chair. “I’m not going to help you.”

“Commander, this is insubordination,” someone warned. Poe wasn’t even sure where the voice had come from. He looked at the holo of Kylo, slumped with his good shoulder against the wall.

“Are we the good guys or not?”

Tense silence was the only response. Poe felt Finn pull at his arm, trying to guide him from the room. He shook him off.

“Are we the good guys or not?” he asked again. “It doesn’t mean anything until the decision is hard.” He stared at everyone in the room. Very few looked back but Poe made sure everyone felt his gaze.

“This is what this war has always been about: the balance of light and the dark,” he said. “One single act can tip an entire life the wrong way. This could be that act for one of us. For all of us.”

“That’s enough, Commander!” Ematt said.

Poe ignored him. “The darkness isn’t born, it’s created,” Poe said. “Like Palpatine. Like Darth Vader.” He paused. “Like Ben.” He wasn’t imaging the trembling of the general’s shoulders now.

“Get him out of here,” Ematt said. More hands grabbed Poe now. He didn’t fight. He let himself be shuffled toward the door.

“You know I’m right,” he said softly. 

The door opened though they were still several feet from it. R2-D2 and BB-8 rolled in followed by a man in long robes. Everyone turned to stare.

“You are right,” Luke said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The graphic violence is going to return with a vengeance in the next chapter. Thanks so much for reading but please do so with your own mental health in mind.


	5. Chapter 5

The room had buzzed like a beehive upon Luke’s appearance. Everyone was talking, whispering to their neighbors, but no one wanted to speak loud enough to be singled out. BB-8 rolled to Poe and bumped his leg affectionately.

“You thought I could use some help, huh?” Poe said. He dropped to one knee and patted the little droid on the head. “You were right, I guess. I owe you one. Well… One more.”

BB-8 beeped happily. Poe stood. Luke was looking at him with intense interest, his hand resting almost absentmindedly atop R2-D2. Luke nodded to Poe solemnly. Poe returned the gesture.

Luke walked to the briefing table and considered the image of Kylo. Grateful for a signal of what to do, everyone retook their seats. Luke looked past the holo to General Organa. The general’s eyes were red but there was no trace of tears on her face.

“This is a heavy question we consider,” Luke said. He spoke to the room though his eyes did not leave his sister. “Ben has always strongly influenced the emotions of others. Here his anger is a presence in the Force. It weighs on the consciousness of all of us, whether we are aware of it or not. And we must guard against rash action.”

Luke’s hand twitched almost imperceptibly toward Rey. Her eyes were wide with fear. She noticed the action and gave a small nod. She closed her and drew deep breaths. She was attempting to center herself in the Force, Poe realized.

“When my father returned to the light, the act killed him. No one ever had to consider the question of his penance and redemption,” Luke said.

“But Master Luke,” Ematt broke in. “Certainly the situations bear little similarity. Kylo Ren has been captured like any other prisoner of war. He had shown little affinity for the light.”

Luke turned to look at Poe rather than Ematt. “Perhaps that is where you are mistaken, Caluan,” Luke said.

Poe shifted uncomfortably in his seat. What did Luke know?

“Either way, we are not likely to get anywhere with Ben by force,” Luke said. He sat down. “His tutelage under Snoke has undoubtedly been painful and cold. Ben is set to withstand far more torture than we have the stomach to inflict.”

Poe wondered if Luke had any idea how right he was.

“Then what do we do?” Finn asked his blunt manner. “What are the other options?”

Luke looked at Poe. Slowly, everyone else turned to do the same.

****

Kylo didn’t lift his eyes when Poe entered.

“I had hoped my next visitor would be the executioner,” he said. “Or is the plan of the Resistance to wait for me to die of boredom?”

The pilot approached. “Or we could just wait for this infection to do the trick,” he said. Kylo snorted. That, he supposed, was true. He felt himself weakening almost by the hour, his hold on the Force becoming more tenuous.

Kylo shrugged out of his robes as Poe began to unpack the medical supplies. The pilot rubbed his hands together vigorously, warming them before touching Kylo’s bare skin.

The small kindness made something in Kylo ache, something Kylo hadn’t listened to in years. Something he thought he had killed.

Kylo focused on the pain, drawing it up like a shield. He let it pulse through him, trying to ignore the pilot and the traitorous whisperings of his mind.

The pilot, he realized was making no effort to shield his thoughts. Ideas and emotions filled the space between them. Kylo tried to ignore them, to focus inward, but they were so very present.

And he wanted to know

The pilot was tired. It was a weariness of the soul, as well as the body. There was pain, grief. He had lost one of his pilots. He blamed himself. There was confusion. He didn’t understand what he was doing or why. He was conflicted. And…

“You want me to agree to get back in the interrogation chair?” Kylo whirled around. “You believe I’m that stupid?”

This time Poe didn’t flinch away. He stared evenly at Kylo, their faces only inches apart. He held his fear well, like the first time they had met.

“You’d be more stupid not to,” Poe said.

Kylo flashed back to the pilot kneeling in the sands of Jakku. He had had an infuriating amount of mouthiness on that occasion as well.

“Why should I?” Kylo said.

“Because it’s the only way anything is going to change,” Poe said. He acted like he explaining something simple to a petulant child. “And no matter what your plan is, you need something to change.”

Kylo stared at him stonily.

“Look, it’ll be for a couple hours. They’ll come in, set up some furniture, a small refresher station and they’ll be gone.” Kylo remained frozen. He searched the pilot for any hint of deception.

“They’ll take out the camera, the audio surveillance,” Poe said. He met Kylo’s gaze and held it. “You’ll have your privacy.”

“And you arranged for all of this?”

Poe shook his head. “It was General Organa’s decision,” he said.

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “Acting on your advice,” he said.

Poe’s face remained impassive. “Yes,” he said modestly.

Kylo searched Poe’s thoughts again. Nothing. But perhaps the pilot himself was being misled.

“The men doing the work won’t be armed,” Poe said. “I will be.” Kylo felt the blood rise in his face. Apparently his poker face wasn’t as good as Poe’s.

Poe leaned forward, closing the distance between them even more.

“They’ll have to kill me to get to you, Kylo. I promise,” Kylo burned with the implication that he needed protection from this… this common soldier.

“And if I kill you myself?” Kylo asked.

Poe shrugged. “I probably couldn’t stop you,” he said. He didn’t flinch.

Kylo felt himself nodding, acquiescing to the pilot’s plan.

The pilot released a sigh of relief.

“Rey will be here, too,” he said. “Someone might consider making a play against me but no one will cross her.”

Kylo shot to his feet.

“The scavenger?!” he demanded.

Poe had fallen back on his hands. His eyes were wide with surprise but he recovered quickly.

“No,” he said softly. “The Jedi.”

Kylo’s fingers ached for his lightsaber like he’d lost a limb. He grabbed Poe by the throat, lifting him until his toes barely brushed the ground, using the Force to augment his failing strength.

There was a buzz of strain in his mind as he stretched further for the Force, the room’s suppressant energy taxing his strength. He felt his wounds throb with a malevolent energy of their own.

Kylo ignored all of this. He scattered Poe’s supplies across the room with a burst of Force energy. He looked up, intending to shatter the camera with his next blow but his vision swam and the Force failed to respond to him.

He sunk to one knee, releasing his grip on the pilot. In a panic he reached for the Force again and found nothing but an abyss, and suddenly the darkness overcame him.

 

****

Poe sensed the moment Kylo woke up even though his back was to the man. He wondered if there was some sort of heightened awareness between them since their minds had been laid bare aboard the Finalizer.

It didn’t matter.

“You can kill me when we’re done if you still want to,” he said without turning around.

Kylo drew a pained breath. Poe bit his cheek, reminding himself it was Kylo’s temper that had caused this. Poe buried his hands deeper in the pockets of his jacket. They were still bloody from maneuvering Kylo’s unconscious form back into the interrogation chair.

If Kylo would let him, he’d bandage the wounds correctly as soon as this was done.

He heard Kylo drawing long, deep breaths. Poe guessed he was trying to center himself as Rey had done. He was probably trying to rebuild some of his shield against his injuries.

At least Poe hoped that’s what he was doing.

The doors slid open. Rey was framed in the dim light. The outer door had already sealed, of course, before the inner one would open. She seemed keenly aware of the fact. Her eyes were afraid and her face resigned but her posture was strong and confident. She strode through the door with just a second of hesitation.

Her steps faltered ever so slightly as she crossed the threshold. The Force suppressants, Kylo realized, were affecting her too. She barely looked at Poe. Her eyes were locked on Kylo.

“Where are the others?” Poe said. He was impatient for this to be over.

Rey looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. “They’ll come after I’ve verified everything here is secure,” she said. Poe felt a chattering of annoyance that she wouldn’t take his word for it. He bit back a smart retort.

Rey was his friend. She was just being cautious. This was Kylo Ren, after all.

Rey stared around the room, her feet planted firmly. Her gaze kept flickering back to Kylo.

She turned to Poe. “Here,” she said. She handed Poe the blaster rifle she had slung across her body. “I’ll call the others.”

Poe held the gun close to his body, not quite at full readiness, but close. He placed himself in front of Kylo, facing out into the room.

“Are you here as guard or protector?”

Poe wasn’t sure if Kylo had spoken the words aloud or if he’d used the Force to project them into his mind.

Was that even possible?

He glanced over his shoulder. Kylo was watching him intently, his gaze piercing, intense. His body language was different. His shoulders were drawn up, his face hardened. He looked more like the masked predator than Poe was used to.

“Don’t be the one to make me choose,” Poe whispered. Kylo snorted. He hands were clenching and unclenching.

Rey rejoined Poe, her blaster pistol on one hip, her lightsaber on the other. She stood facing Kylo, her hands resting on her weapons.

“I don’t know how you can turn your back on this snake,” she said. Kylo gave her a smirk that was nearly a snarl.

Poe shrugged. “I know he’s not going anywhere,” he said. The doors slid open and workers entered and began their task.

Rey gave Poe a disapproving frown but held whatever comment she was burning to make.

Poe gave her his best smile.

****

It felt like eons before the workers finished. They all sat suspended in a tense, monotonous bubble. Waiting. But finally, the door slid shut behind them for the last time. Poe let out a long breath.

Rey stretched. “It’s finished,” she said. “Let’s get out of here, Poe.”

Poe slipped the gun strap over his head and held it out to her.

“You go ahead,” he said. “I promised Kylo I’d unbolt the chair and get it out of here.”

Rey stiffened.

“We can release the restraints remotely, Poe,” she said. “What does it matter if the chair is still here?” Rey was locking her jaw so hard her lips barely moved as she spoke.

Poe shrugged. “I said I would,” he said.

“Fine,” Rey said. She jerked the gun from his hands. “Finn and I are going for a brew at the cantina if you should find the time to join us.”

She stalked out of the room shooting Kylo one last look of hatred and contempt. Poe waited for the door to seal behind her before turning back to Kylo. The man was staring at him once again, his head tilted slightly to the side.

Poe felt the color rise in his cheeks. He moved out of Kylo’s direct line of sight to release the restraints.

“See,” he said. “Was that so bad?”

Kylo didn’t answer. Poe opened the cuffs.

“Can you stand?” He rose quickly in case Kylo collapsed again. Kylo just gave a curt nod and walked to the bed.

Poe rolled his eyes. Typical male arrogance. He gathered medical supplies from the newly installed shelves and followed. The blood on Kylo’s robes, he realized, had dried, sticking them to his wounds. He softly touched Kylo’s good shoulder, halting the movement to remove them.

“Wait,” he said. “I can fix this.” He soaked a towel with warm water from the refresher and laid it softly across Kylo’s back. Kylo shuddered in pain but the robes remoistened and slid off his back without tearing he wounds.

Kylo nodded his thanks.

“Are you not going to talk to me now either?” Poe asked. He used the towel to dab the blood from around the wound. Kylo didn’t answer. Stubbornly, Poe continued to clean and spread bacta across his wounds.

“Your friends don’t seem to share your concern for me,” Kylo said finally. Poe laughed.

“They’re scared,” he said. He began winding bandages around Kylo’s torso. Kylo’s ribs, he noted, were also broken. Several of them. “I would think that would make you happy.”

“Perhaps it does,” Kylo said. Poe would the bandages up across his shoulder. Kylo bent his arm across his chest so Poe could immobilize it. Kylo knew how to be hurt, that was for sure.

Poe surveyed his work. The bandages would need to be changed often and the wound cleaned but it was a good start.

“Anything else you want me to look at?” he asked, packing up the supplies.

“I think I can handle everything else myself,” Kylo said. His voice was stiff.

Poe nodded. “Ok. Maybe just try to lay off the heavy lifting, Force or otherwise, huh?" He wiped his face. The room was warm. "A real shower is kind of out of the question for the time being but I’m sure you’re dying to clean up a little," he said. "There are towels and fresh robes on the shelf. I’ll work on that chair.”

Kylo stared at Poe, his expression unreadable. His eyes were dark pools. Poe had the feeling that if he could just stare a little longer he’d solve the mystery of what was beneath.

More likely he’d drown, Poe reminded himself.

Kylo shuffled toward the refresher. Poe moved away to give him what little privacy he could. The room was small, made more so by the addition of furniture and the refresher unit. But it would seem bigger once the interrogation chair was gone.

Poe was just dragging the chair toward the door when Kylo reappeared. His hair was damp and a towel was hanging over across his shoulders. He was dressed in clean robes.

“Hey muscles,” Poe said. “Don’t suppose you want to lend a hand, huh? This thing is kriffing heavy.”

Kylo smirked and lay on the bed.

Poe laughed. “That’s probably for the best. If they see you anywhere near this door when I open it they’ll probably get excited and shoot us both.

Kylo looked sullen.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

Poe stopped in his tracks. “What?” he asked stupidly.

“Why are you helping me?” Kylo sat up, rolling so his feet were on the floor.

Poe considered the question for a moment. “You don’t deserve what he’s doing to you,” he said. Kylo froze, almost too still to be human. His face was a mask. “No one deserves that. And I just want you to really know all your options before anything happens.”

There was a long moment of silence. Poe waited.

“Your friend thinks I’m controlling you with the Force,” Kylo said.

“What?” Poe said. He stepped closer to Kylo. “Who? Rey?”

Kylo nodded. “She was thinking about it the entire time she was here.” Kylo’s voice grew icy. “Obviously she needs more training if she thinks I could pull off something that complicated in here.” He gestured around the room.

Poe crept closer again.

“I would never do that to you, though,” Kylo said. He looked at Poe. His eyes were earnest. “Not anymore.”

“I believe you,” Poe said. And he was surprised to realize it was the truth.

“There are people who would, though,” Kylo said. His voice was a base rumble, so low and sonorant that it seemed to echo in the hollow of Poe’s stomach. “You would make a beautiful thrall. Stay away from the First Order, the Knights of Ren.”

The implication made Poe shudder. He moved closer to Kylo again, kneeling in front of where he sat. He was suddenly painfully conscious about the invasion of inviting himself to share Kylo’s bed, even as a seat.

Kylo was staring past him, across the small room. “Is that what he does to you?” Poe asked. He didn’t know where he found the courage, or if it was just sheer stupidity.

But the anger didn’t spark in Kylo like he expected. Kylo wrapped his good arm around himself. “He tries,” Kylo said. “I can fight him off usually. He can’t control me over any sort of distance, even outside of the same room.”

Kylo’s voice dropped to a whisper. His face suddenly appeared very young but his eyes were aged, weary with experience. “But if he’s touching me sometimes I can’t shake him off. I can’t even tell where his will ends and my starts.”

Poe’s heart ached. He put his hand softly on top of Kylo’s. Kylo flinched at the contact, their eyes locking. Poe opened his mouth to apologize but…

_“Take it off, my pet.” Snoke loomed from the shadows. “You have come so far. What’s a little more?” Kylo was on all fours. His mask and gloves were scattered beside him like the remains of fallen friends. His hair was damp with sweat. A vein throbbed visibly in his forehead and his body shook as he fought._

_Kylo pushed Snoke’s will away, the backlash striking Snoke like a slap to the face. The effort sent Kylo from his hands to his elbows but he felt a rush of satisfaction as Snoke’s presence vanished from his mind. He drew long breaths, piecing together a more deliberate defense._

_“No,” he said. “No.”_

_Snoke pursed his lips and considered his apprentice. “Good,” he said. “Very good. You are not so weak as I had thought.” Snoke paced closer to Kylo. Kylo tried to scramble backwards to keep distance between them but his arms and legs were suddenly held in place._

_A cold dread seized Kylo’s heart, slowly pumping ice through his veins._

_“That, my apprentice,” Snoke said, “is fear. And you are wise to be afraid.”_

_Kylo struggled against the invisible restraints holding him in place. He fought, desperately trying to free himself._

_“You asked me for my guidance regarding the scavenger girl,” Snoke said. He leaned over Kylo. “You said with my help, you could get the map. Well, pet, I will help you. I will show you how to break someone.”_

_Snoke put his hand along the side of Kylo’s face. His long fingers framed Kylo’s jaw. “Break for me,” Snoke said._

_A heavy blow bowed Kylo’s back. His eyes rolled back in his head as he tried to stave off the mental assault. Slowly Kylo’s body collapsed on itself until he lay in the fetal position on his side. His limbs still twitched and his eyes were wide but his manner was docile and subdued._

_“Mmm,” Snoke said. He stroked Kylo’s hair softly. “As I thought. Perhaps your dear scavenger will prove to be a worthy apprentice.”_

_Snoke stood and clasped his hands behind his back. “Come now,” he said. “Show me that pretty body of yours.”_

_Kylo pulled up to his knees and began to disrobe. He bit his lip until blood stained his teeth. “No,” he said. This time it was pleading, not defiance, even to his own ears._

_His hands shook and his movements were jerky but Kylo obeyed. He stripped until he stood naked in front of Snoke, trembling._

_“Kneel,” Snoke said. The command was heavy. Kylo tried again to fight, to shake away control. Then he realized he had already dropped to his knees._

_Snoke caressed his hair again. “See, my pet,” he said. “It is easy to obey. I think you actually prefer it this way, don’t you?” Snoke gently trailed his fingers down Kylo’s spine._

_Kylo bowed his head. “Yes, Master.”_

“I’m sorry,” Kylo said. “I didn’t mean to do that. I just…” Kylo looked around the room wildly. He looked down at Poe’s hand, still covering his and went to jerk it away.

Poe softly flexed his fingers, keeping Kylo’s hand in place. “It’s ok,” he said softly. “It’s alright.” His mind was still reeling also but he sensed how he reacted in this moment was important. He didn’t want Kylo’s uncertainty to turn to anger.

And he wanted to ease the despair he’d felt burning a hole in Kylo.

Poe withdrew his hand slowly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have touched you. It’s my fault.”

Kylo looked at him. “It… It’s fine,” Kylo said.

Poe nodded. He sat back on the floor, giving Kylo space.

Slowly Kylo’s eyes dilated back to normal and his breathing slowed. He gave Poe a single nod. Poe let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked. Kylo stiffened slightly but nodded.

“How long has it been since someone besides him touched you?”

Kylo looked at his own hand and back to Poe. He raised one eyebrow.

Poe rolled his eyes. “Other than me, obviously,” he said.

Kylo looked past Poe, considering the question.

“Han Solo,” he said. “He touched my face before fell off the bridge at the Starkiller Base.”

A sorrow that hadn’t yet grown old festered in Poe’s chest. He felt a stab of anger.

“You mean your father,” he said.

“Yes.”

“After you stabbed him.”

Something that could almost be taken as grief flickered across Kylo’s face.

“Yes,” he said again.

The sorrow festered again. Poe clenched his fists.

“He was a good man,” Poe said.

“He was.”

That stopped Poe for a moment. “Then, why?” he asked. “Why did you kill him?”

Kylo looked at Poe. “Because I am not a good man.”

A disbelieving guffaw burst out of Poe. “That’s not good enough,” he said.

Kylo sat silently. Poe thought he wasn’t going to answer. For the first time since his captivity aboard the Finalizer unfiltered hatred for Kylo Ren bubbled inside Poe.

“I had to,” Kylo said. His voice was so low it was a rumble at the edge of Poe’s hearing. “Without the power of the dark side, I’ll never be strong enough to kill Snoke.”

Kylo turned away from Poe, staring at the empty wall.

“And my father… He was always a call to the light.”

The anger was sucked out of Poe. He felt hollow. He couldn’t even begin to sort through what he felt about that.

“Kylo—“ he said.

“Don’t,” Kylo said. “Don’t tell me there is just as much power in the light.” He turned back to look at Poe. A dull fire was burning in his eyes. Poe once again saw the shadow of the monster who could burn innocents.

“I have felt the power of the dark side. It is far beyond anything you can imagine,” he said. “The darkness is what let’s Snoke do **_that_ ** to me like I am a helpless child. The light meant letting Rey overpower me because I was unwilling to violate her mind.”

Poe sat silently.

Maybe Kylo was right.

“I believe you,” Poe said. “There is power in having no limitations.” He rubbed his wrists. “We both know that.”

Kylo looked surprised. Poe guessed he had been ready to argue. Poe was surprised too.

He wanted to argue.

“Even if you’re right,” Poe said. “Maybe you and Rey and Luke are stronger together—even in the light—than Snoke in the dark.”

Kylo had frozen again, like a dark statue.

“Maybe you don’t have to do it alone, Kylo,” Poe said.

Kylo was silent. Poe let him think, let him consider. He had been waiting for Kylo’s temper to flare, to be dragged into the air again. But so far, nothing. Maybe he had almost wanted the rage, maybe then he could convince himself he was wasting his time.

But was he?

Poe looked at the interrogation chair, dragged halfway across the room. The recent vision replayed in his mind, the weight against Kylo’s limbs as Snoke pinned him down. The helplessness as he struggled to move away. Poe felt nauseous.

“They’d never trust me,” Kylo said finally. “How could they?”

Poe stood up and dragged the chair toward the door. “I don’t know,” he said. “We’ll figure it out later.” He entered the code to open the inner door and waited for security to enter it on their end.

“But as long as you’re here,” he continued, “No one is going to tie you up again. And no one is going to… to…” Poe searched for the word Kylo had used. “thrall you either. I won’t let them.”

The door finally slid open and Poe heaved the chair forward.

“Poe,” Kylo said softly. “Will you stay?”

Poe stopped short. He let the doors slide shut, sealing the chair in the small hallway between Kylo’s cell and the corridor.

It was the first time Kylo had ever said his name.

He turned back.

“Yes,” he said. “I’ll stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you're all aware... I'll be traveling for work this week so I'll have less time to write. That might cause the next update to take slightly longer than normal. Please don't worry: I have no intention of abandoning this fic. Alas, the offline world interferes. 
> 
> Also, if there is a phrase or a line--in this chapter or the rest of the work--that really tickles your fancy or sticks with you in another way I'd love it if you'd drop me a comment and let me know which one/where. I'm fascinated to know if they're the same ones that make my heart ache in that really satisfying way.
> 
> Take care all! Muah.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!PLEASE READ!!
> 
> I wrote a note before but, as some readers were still caught off guard, I decided to try again.
> 
> This chapter contains GRAPHIC descriptions of rape and violence. I rated this fic explicit for a reason, and that reason was the events contained in this chapter. The happenings are dark, inhumane and disturbing. 
> 
> If you would like to continue with this fic without exposing yourself to such explicit imagery, please skip the italics section of this chapter. Though the events will be referenced later in the work, you should be able to use context to fill in the blanks without any problem at all.
> 
> It's not my intent to trigger or harm anyone. Please read with thought and care.
> 
> Thanks all. Be safe!

Kylo woke reaching for his lightsaber. He closed his eyes in frustration when he remembered where he was. It had been a dream.

He drew a deep breath, settling his mind. A small scream made his eyes snap open again. It hadn’t been a dream.

Kylo reached for the Force, preparing to strike, ignoring the way it made his head pound.  He dropped it before it had even begun to coalesce. The pilot, he realized. Poe had fallen asleep, slumped against the wall of Kylo’s room. It had happened so suddenly Kylo had assumed he needed the rest and left him.

Now Poe was thrashing weakly, fighting an opponent Kylo couldn’t see. The screams had been reduced to whimpers.

Kylo slid off the bed and padded toward Poe on silent feet. He knelt beside him. “Poe,” he called softly. The pilot didn’t wake. “Poe,” he said again, slightly louder. He placed his hand gently on Poe’s shoulder. “It’s ok. You’re safe.”

Poe jerked awake, swinging at Kylo, pushing him away.  Kylo absorbed the blow on his right side, grunting quietly. He gripped Poe more firmly. “It’s me,” he said. He shook the pilot gently until their eyes met. “You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Awareness finally entered Poe’s eyes. He groaned, rubbing his face with his hands. He leaned over and was quietly sick. Poe wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” he said. His body was trembling under Kylo’s fingers. “I’ll clean it up.”

“Leave it,” Kylo said. But Poe was already up. He fetched a towel and mopped the small puddle of bile. His motions were frantic and unsteady. Kylo could feel waves of fear and self-loathing rolling off him. The pilot’s eyes were so dilated he seemed unable to focus them and his breath hitched manically.

Kylo caught Poe’s arm again. Gently but firmly he guided him to a sitting position. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Poe repeated under his breath.

“Poe,” Kylo said with just an echo of command. Poe’s eyes snapped to his. “It’s ok.”

Kylo sat beside Poe, keeping a hand on his arm to provide the pilot with an anchor. “It’s ok,” he repeated. “I understand.”

Poe drew a shaky breath and released it in a sound that was half laugh, half sob. Kylo felt Poe drowning in the tide of his own emotions.

“You can tell me,” Kylo said. He covered Poe’s hand with his. “If you want to, you can tell me.”

Poe pulled his knees to his chest. “It’s nothing,” Poe said. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry.”

Kylo frowned. He softly ran his thumb along the scars encircling Poe’s wrists. He knew exactly where they lay despite the jacket covering them. Poe shuddered. His eyes snapped to Kylo’s again. This time a spark of realization sunk in.

“They… they…” Poe’s face paled further. He searched for words he couldn’t find. He stared helplessly at Kylo.

“Kylo can you,” Poe touched his head and fluttered his hand toward Kylo. Kylo felt himself stiffen in surprise.

“I can,” he said slowly. “But only if you want me to.”

“Please,” Poe said. He was still trembling. A shame so intense it burned emanated from him.

Kylo softly placed his hand along Poe’s face. “Just say the word and I’ll stop,” he said. “I promise.”

 

****

_Poe was thrown to the floor. His back was covered in whip weals. His left leg was broken, likely his collarbone too. The soles of his feet were a mass of pulpy flesh where they had beaten them with a thin piece of sheet metal. His wrists had been cut deeply by the restraints. His inner thighs were coated with blood. His belly was splattered with his own come._

_Poe tried to pull himself to his hands and knees but his body failed him. He collapsed to his side.  Jalba crouched beside him. “Haven’t you had enough yet, pretty boy?” he asked. His voice dripped with fake concern. “All you have to do is say the word and it’s all over.”_

_Poe shuddered in revulsion. He wanted to snap at Jalba. He wanted to say he’d die before he’d give him what he wanted. He wanted to be strong. Poe didn’t trust his voice but he shook his head. He clenched his fists until his nails dug into his palms._

_Jalba looked frustrated. “Almac,” he said, beckoning to his friend. “Again.” The bidden man grabbed Poe by the hair, dragging him up. Poe cried out in pain as he was forced to stand on his mutilated feet. The man chewed on the ridge of Poe’s ear. Blunt fingers were shoved into Poe’s abused body again._

_“Let’s see if I can get my entire fist inside you this time,” Almac said. Uri and Jalba laughed._

_“Ok.” Poe struggled weakly. His voice was rough from screaming and misuse. He looked over his shoulder searching for Jalba. “Ok,” he said._

_Jalba nodded. Almac pushed Poe toward Jalba. No one made any move to stop Poe from slamming into the ground again._

_Jalba swaggered toward Poe. He crouched again, splaying his bad leg out to the side. “Let’s hear it then,” he said._

_“What?” Poe’s brain was struggling to keep up._

_"I told you you’d beg me to fuck you before we were done,” Jalba said. He patted Poe’s face softly. “Now let’s hear it.”_

_Anger flared inside Poe. He spit at Jalba’s feet._

_Jalba snapped his fingers. A bucket of icy water was dumped across Poe and the whip carved into him again, catching the soft flesh of his belly._

_"Please,” Poe said. He reached weakly toward Jalba’s boots. “Please fuck me.”_

_J_ _alba smiled. He sat back in his chair and patted his lap. Gritting his teeth Poe pulled himself up so he was kneeling between Jalba’s legs._

_Jalba used a rag and some of the residual water to wipe the grime from Poe’s face. “Tell me exactly what you want, baby,” he said. Poe hung his head in defeat. He tried, and failed, to summon any more will to fight._

_"I want your cock in my ass,” Poe said. His face burned with shame and tears pricked his eyes. The crotch of Jalba’s pants was tented. Poe pawed at it, wanting this to be over as quickly as possible. “Please fuck me.”_

_Jalba jerked Poe’s head back by his hair. He leaned down, covering Poe’s mouth in sloppy kiss. Jalba kissed along his jaw, tracing the features of Poe’s face with his teeth and tongue._

_"You want me to come inside you?” He hissed in Poe’s ear._

_Poe ground his teeth together. “Yes.”_

_“Tell me,” Jalba commanded wrenching Poe’s head by his hair again._

_"_ _I-I want you to come inside me,” Poe said._

_Jalba hummed his approval. He ran his hands down Poe’s body, settling them on Poe’s thin waist. He kissed Poe again. “I’m going to breed you like the bitch you are,” he said._

_Jalba pulled Poe onto his lap, pressing their bodies together. He softly sucked Poe’s earlobe._

_“You know,” Jalba said. He lazily tweaked Poe’s nipples making the man gasp. “I considered fucking you real slow and making you cum with my dick inside you.” Poe shuddered in revulsion. “But I think it’s well established what whore you are, seeing how easy it was for Uri and Almac to make you come once they set their minds to it.”_

_Jalba gave Poe’s dick a cruel yank. “What was it? Four times?” Poe’s face burned with shame. Tears flowed freely down his face. “You’ll never be able to deny again what a Disgusting. Faggot. Whore. you are.” Each word was punctuated by a punch to Poe’s groin. Poe doubled over, dry heaving in pain._

_The words struck Poe even harder. They sunk into him and wrote themselves on his soul like tattoos. Disgusting. Faggot. Whore._

_Jalba turned Poe around so they were face to face. His fingers dug into the wounds on Poe’s back, making his body arch. Jalba claimed his lips in another kiss, plundering Poe’s mouth._

_Jalba pushed Poe back to the floor. “I want to see my prize,” he said. “Finger yourself for me, slut.”_

_Poe was still trembling with pain but humiliation galvanized whatever amount of pride he had left._

_"Just fuck me already, Jalba,” he said. “We’ve played your game.”_

_Jalba snapped his fingers. Almac touched a stun baton to Poe’s ribs. Poe screamed._

_He rolled onto his knees with help from Uri’s boot. He presented his ass to the chair Jalba was sitting in. Slowly he touched himself. Pain flared and Poe shuddered. He could feel the muscles, torn and brutalized, quivering around his fingers._

_“More,” Jalba commanded. Poe’s buried his face in the ground as he twisted his arm to press his fingers further into his body. This was not something he allowed himself, even in the privacy of his quarters._

_Jalba grunted in appreciation. He batted Poe’s hand aside and shoved his own fingers into Poe. Poe moaned as the pain flared again, his body tensed against the intrusion._

_"Oh, you like that, don’t you, slut?” Jalba said._

_He slipped something over Poe’s head and cinched it around his throat. Poe’s fingers scrambled against the leather of Jalba’s belt. “Answer me,” Jalba hissed._

_"Yes,” Poe gasped when Jalba eased up on the pressure. “Yes I like it.” Jalba jerked the belt so Poe choked again._

_“Next time he doesn’t answer when I ask him a question, hit him with the stun baton,” Jalba said. Poe shuddered, his fingers prying against the leather. Jalba relaxed enough to let him draw air._

_Jalba dragged Poe back to his lap. “Hey Uri,” Jalba said. He grabbed Poe’s hips tightly. “The slut’s a little loose. Where’s that pipe you were teasing him with earlier?”_

_The men laughed. Jalba caught the pipe—roughly eight inches long and an inch in diameter—with one hand. It was still discolored with Poe’s blood._

_Jalba ran the unfinished edge down Poe’s cheek. “Do you want this?”_

_Panic locked Poe’s chest and he shook his head. He saw Almac click the stun baton on in the corner of his vision._

_“Y-yes,” he stuttered urgently. “Yes I want it.”_

_Poe felt Jalba smile as he placed small kisses along the ridges of his shoulders._

_“Beg me.”_

_“Please,” Poe said. He ground his hips against Jalba. “Please put it inside me.”_

_Jalba ran the pipe down Poe’s back until it slid into his crack, just pressing against Poe’s hole._

_“Tell me,” he whispered._

_Poe bowed his head, shutting his eyes tightly. He seemed to float away from himself._

_"Fuck it into me hard,” he heard himself say. “Make me bleed. I want it to hurt.”_

_Jalba smiled and kissed Poe’s lips softly. “You’re such a good slut, pretty boy,” he said. “I knew you had it in you.”_

_The pain was not removed, not nearly enough. Jalba forced the pipe into him by main strength. The unfinished edge tore and re-tore Poe’s delicate insides. Jalba jerked the pipe from side to side ensuring the damage was as extensive as he could make it._

_Poe screamed until his throat felt bloody again. His hands balled into fists in Jalba’s shirt. His vision went white._

_And then he was lying against Jalba’s shoulder. Jalba was stroking his hair softly and kissing his jawline. “Disgusting,” Jalba whispered in his ear. “You’re fucking filthy, pretty boy.” Poe could feel Jalba’s erection throbbing against him._

_“Say thank you, whore,” Jalba said louder._

_Poe was sure his voice wouldn’t work. It surprised him._

_“Thank you,” he said. Jalba pressed the pipe, moving it inside Poe until he whimpered._

_“Tell me what you want now.”_

_Poe trembled. “I want you inside me.” Jalba kissed him again._

_“Very good answer,” he said._

_Jalba freed his cock from his pants. It was no more than average length but it was thick and veiny. The muscles of Poe’s torso clenched._

_Jalba slathered lube on his cock and pulled Poe to his lap once more. He pressed the pipe forward inside of Poe so there was room to force his cock in behind it. Poe struggled to breathe as Jalba pulled him down further and further, excruciatingly slowly._

_Poe prayed Jalba would balk at the feel of the smooth, unforgiving pipe against his dick and pull out. He prayed, he begged._

_Jalba moaned in ecstasy. He licked a bead of sweat from the nape of Poe’s neck._

_“I want to hear you, slut,” Jalba said, his voice breathy._

_“Please.” Poe’s voice was breathy because the pain had made him forget to breathe. “Please.”_

_Jalba groaned, burying himself to the hilt inside Poe. He sagged back against the chair, forcing Poe to balance on his lap. He jerked the belt to stop Poe from pushing up and away “Don’t move,” Jalba said. He kissed Poe’s neck, pressing his teeth against his jugular._

_“Do it,” Poe pled silently. “Please, do it.”_

_Jalba dragged Poe’s head down for a kiss. He ran his hands down Poe’s sweat slicked body. “Fuck,” he said again. He grabbed Poe’s hand and pressed it deep into his stomach below his belly button. Poe gagged. He could feel the hardness of Jalba’s cock and the pipe distending his belly._

_“How does he look boys?” Jalba said, laughing._

_Poe felt them leer. He dropped his eyes._

_“Like a prince on his throne,” Uri said. Almac simply palmed himself through his pants in reply._

_“Please,” Poe begged. This time it was sincere. He needed Jalba to shift, to thrust, to move. The sensation of being simply impaled was too much. “Please fuck me.”_

_Jalba caught Poe’s lips again, biting them until they bled. “As you wish,_ **commander.”**

_Without pulling out he threw Poe over a maintenance cart. Poe cried out in pain as his feet and broken leg were called on to support him again. His hands scrambled for purchase on the cart._

_Jalba slammed into him. Poe would have screamed again if there had been any air left in his lungs. The pace was brutal. Jalba thrust so into Poe so violently the smaller man was pressed onto his toes with each pass. Poe trembled, in danger of collapsing. Jalba gripped his hips even tighter._

_“I can’t hear you, pretty boy,” he growled._

_Poe tried to speak but all that came out were pained whimpers. That seemed to be enough for Jalba. He groaned, sinking his teeth into the muscle of Poe’s neck._

_Poe faded in and out, not losing consciousness but aware of what was happening as if from outside his body. Finally, Jalba came with a yell, his hot seed spraying deep inside Poe._

_Jalba pushed Poe to the floor, discarding him like garbage._

_“You do make a pretty whore, Poe,” Jalba said. “I’ll be the first to recommend your ass to anyone I meet.” Tears leaked slowly out of Poe’s eyes, running down his nose and dripping onto the floor._

_Uri knelt beside him and cinched Poe’s wrists together with zip ties. He pulled them tight enough to cut into Poe’s already-lacerated flesh. Poe barely protested._

_Uri moved to pull the pipe out of Poe. “Wait,” Almac said. “We don’t want the little slut to feel too lonely after we’re gone.” He crouched down and shoved the pipe back into Poe, pressing it well past Poe’s opening so it was buried entirely inside, far deeper than before._

_Poe thrashed in pain. Jalba laughed. “That ought to keep him nice and comfortable,” he said. Jalba crouched down beside Poe again, groaning with the effort. “I’d love to stay and play some more, pretty boy, but this old leg just aches after all the fun we had.”_

_All three men laughed. “I’m sure someone will find you before long.” He leaned down and kissed Poe, long and slow._

_They all stood to leave. The cold began to seep into Poe within seconds. He knew he was going into shock. “Don’t miss us too much,” Jalba said. And they were gone._

 ****

 

Kylo had never known anger like this before. 

This was far darker, far more intense. If his anger was a storm, Kylo realized, this madness was a hurricane.  His body pulsed with the built up power. Even with the Force suppressants draining his connection, Kylo couldn’t remember this much unadulterated rage driving the Force through him.

The lights in the room dimmed. The bolts of the bed frame sprang loose, zipping around the room like shrapnel.  Force lightening sparked between Kylo’s fingers in flashes ready to lash out at whatever target he found, contained but just barely.

He should have tortured the man before he killed him. He should have made him suffer so much more for what he’d done.

To Poe.

The pilot was hunched against the wall, trying to be a small target. He looked steadier than he had before the vision but no less afraid.

Kylo wondered how much of that fear was directed at him.

Suddenly the anger no longer threatened to overwhelm him. It didn’t disappear; it didn’t even lessen. However, all at once, Kylo was back in control. The lights came back to full brightness; the bolts fell dropped harmlessly to the ground and skittered across the floor.

Kylo dropped to his knees in front of Poe. “I’m sorry,” he said. He hadn’t meant to scare the pilot, not after he had shown such trust. Kylo could still feel the touch of cruel men in his mind. He lifted Poe’s face gently until their eyes met. “I’m sorry.”

Poe nodded. 

There was a long stretch of silence.  “I’ll help you change your bandages,” Poe said.  He walked to the wreckage of the bed and wrestled the mattress free. He laid it on the floor and motioned for Kylo to sit.

 Kylo stripped out of his robes again. The bandages were bloodier than ideal. That was to be expected. He had not exactly been resting quietly.

Poe wound the bandages quickly and efficiently. The task seemed to calm the pilot, his hands growing steadier as he worked. “You really should be lying down,” Poe said. He put away the supplies. “You need to rest.”

Kylo sank into the mattress. He held out the blankets, inviting Poe to lie beside him. Poe’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You’re exhausted and you’re freezing,” Kylo said practically.

A spark of uncertainty caught fire in Poe. Kylo felt the emotions fly across Poe’s mind: Kylo knew what a whore he was now; he wanted to make use of Poe’s _talents._

“You really think that I want you to _warm my bed?”_  Kylo plucked the phrase from Poe’s mind. He cringed when he recognized the note of pain in his own voice. “You really think I would demand that from you now?”

Guilt siphoned the fear out of Poe. He stripped out of his jacket and climbed onto the mattress beside Kylo. Kylo let the blankets fall over them both, leaving plenty of space between their bodies.

“When was the last time someone touched you without hurting you?”  It was an echo of the question Poe asked earlier.

Poe refused to look at Kylo. “People touch me all the time,” he said. “I don’t hide behind gloves and a mask.” Kylo knew Poe was deflecting but it made the anger rise anyway.

“When was the last time you left someone’s bed without limping?” The words were tinged with an ugly, cruel edge. Poe absorbed them with a look of resignation, like a blow he knew he deserved.

“I told you before,” Poe said. “It’s not what you think.” He pulled nervously at his shirtsleeves. “I’m just a slut who likes it rough.”

Kylo felt his eyes narrow. “Do you like it?”

Poe laughed. It was a short, humorless sound. “I must,” he said. “I keep going back for more.”

Kylo could feel the shame rolling off the pilot. Bitterness bubbled up in him as he imagined strong hands holding Poe down, taking rough pleasure from his body, leaving him in pain. And the idea that Poe would submit to this—even actively seek it out—was too much.

“It was before,” Poe said. He was lying with his back to Kylo, refusing to make eye contact. “The last time I had sex without…” Poe let the words trail off like he couldn’t bear to voice the truth. “It was before what they did.”

Kylo reached out to touch Poe’s shoulder but stopped as the man spoke again. “It’s always consensual now,” Poe said. “More or less.”

Kylo had to force himself to breathe as the anger made another bid for control. “It’s not a spectrum,” he said. The words came out steady but with a bit more steel than strictly necessary. “You either say yes, or you don’t. There is no ‘more or less.’”

“After I healed,” Poe said, “I just wanted to be normal again, to feel normal.” Poe tucked his arms around himself “I met a guy on some planet on some system the way I used to. And it was fine. I led him on really far.”

Kylo felt ice settle in his stomach. “And then when it got time to actually go through with it, I couldn’t,” Poe continued. “I felt like I was drowning, like I was right back in that hangar. I freaked out, told him I changed my mind.”

Poe fell silent. Kylo gently touched Poe’s shoulder, guiding him to roll over so they were face to face. “He didn’t stop,” Kylo said.

Poe shook his head. “He said I was a tease, that I deserved what I got,” Poe said. His eyelashes were heavy with tears. “After it was over, I felt so… numb. I didn’t feel anything. Not pain. Not fear. Just empty.”

A tear rolled down Poe’s face. Then another, and another. Kylo softly brushed them away with his thumb. Poe looked up at him. “Numb was the best thing I’d felt in a long time,” he said. “I wanted to feel it again.” Poe dropped his eyes again. “Most of the time it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

Kylo’s heart was beating faster than it had reason to. It wasn’t only from anger, which he would have understood. This was something else. Kylo looked around the room. His eyes fell on Poe’s jacket draped over the small table they’d brought.

It was not the jacket Poe had worn when they’d first met. That wouldn’t have been important if Kylo hadn’t seen the original jacket again, draped around the wrong shoulders.

“The Stormtrooper,” Kylo said. “How badly does he hurt you?”

“Finn?” Poe asked. There was a note of confusion in his voice. “Finn’s never hurt me. He wouldn’t.”

Kylo nodded once. He stayed silent until they both drifted off to sleep.

**** 

The doors sealed behind Poe. He rubbed his eyes, vaguely wondering if the amount of hissing and popping was entirely necessary to complete the process. He headed toward his room. He needed a long shower and some time to think.

He slammed into Rey as he rounded the first corner. He pasted a cheeky smile on his face. “Good morning, Sunshine,” he said. Finn walked up behind her, slightly out of breath. Poe felt the smile become slightly more genuine. No doubt Rey had sprinted for the corridor the second he had appeared on surveillance, leaving Finn to chase after her.

“Did you stay in there all night?” Rey demanded.

“Woah.” Poe raised his hands. “Calm down, Rey. I was just talking to him.”

“All night?”

Poe leaned against the wall in a nonchalant manner he knew would drive her crazy. “Yeah, well it’d been awhile since we’d seen each other. We had a lot to catch up on.”

Rey practically growled. Finn placed a restraining hand on her shoulder. “How was it?” he asked.

Poe hesitated. How could he answer that? “He’s got a lot of anger,” Poe said truthfully. “I still think this is the right choice though.”

Rey had calmed down enough to regain the ability to speak. “Poe he is dangerous,” she said. Her manner was that of someone trying to impress a base fact on a very slow child. “You shouldn’t be alone with him for so long.”

“Rey,” Poe said. He made sure the inflection of his voice mirrored hers. “If he was going to kill me, he would have done so already.” Poe raked his fingers through his hair. “Besides, until he agrees to speak to someone else I don’t really have a lot of options.”

Rey had gone very still. “Unless his plan involves something besides killing you,” she said.

Poe felt his eyes narrow. Kylo had been right.

“He’s not controlling me,” Poe said. It was a fight to keep his voice conversational.

Finn and Rey exchanged a surprised look. They hadn’t expected him to come to their conclusion so quickly.

“How would you know if he was?” Finn asked.

Before Poe could answer Rey jumped in. “Poe, there are things Force users can do that you can’t even imagine,” she said. The fear on her face kept Poe from cutting her off. “Using the Dark you can get into someone’s head and rearrange things.”

Poe gripped the smooth surface of the wall.

“I don’t think you understand how terrifying a prospect that is,” Rey finished.

Poe saw Snoke looming over Kylo, felt the touch of his leathery skin. _“Break for me.”_

Poe was fairly certain Rey didn’t understand how terrifying it would be.

“He’s not doing that to me,” Poe said.

“How do you know?” Rey was getting upset again. “Your mind doesn’t have the defenses of a Force-user’s. He could be influencing you without you even realizing it.”

Poe felt pride flare inside him. He set his jaw. “I think maybe you’re underestimating us non-Jedi.”

Rey opened her mouth to snap back but Finn stepped between them, hands raised. “Poe,” he said. “Rey is just worried about you.” He clapped his hand on Poe’s shoulder. “No one is questioning you.”

Finn set his other hand on Rey’s shoulder. “We want to believe you about Kylo Ren,” he said. Rey fought a grimace. “But we have to take every precaution.”

“Just let Luke look at you,” Rey said. “If I’m wrong, I’ll apologize.”

Finn grinned until it looked like he had too many teeth. “What’s the harm in that?”

Poe remembered the way Kylo had brushed the tears from his cheek. The harm was in losing the one confidant he’d ever had.

What if they were right?

“Fine,” he said.

****

Poe looked around, trying and failing to suppress his curiosity. Never in his life had he thought he would be sitting in Luke Skywalker’s private room. The room was nearly completely empty. A small bed, a meditation mat and a desk were the only furniture. They only technology was a small docking station for R2-D2.

The man himself was equally simple. He wore a plain brown robe as he had in the audience chamber. There was no adornment. His lightsaber did not hang from his hip. His artificial hand had not been upgraded since he had lost it in his youth, though many advances had been made in the field.

“Rey tells me you are in great danger,” Luke said. Poe didn’t know how to respond to that so he stayed silent.

“She is of course, correct,” Luke said. Poe felt a spike of fear. “What she doesn’t realize is the same is true for us all. This is a time of grave peril for everyone.”

Poe felt fear turn to annoyance.  Damn Jedi, talking in circles. “She still sees things as we want them to be: good and evil. Light and dark.” Luke fell silent for a moment. “Many of the Jedi teaching reflect this ideology. I believe this might be why they continue to fall short.”

Poe shifted in his seat. He had the distinct feeling this was not an opinion Luke should be sharing.  Luke smiled softly.

“You are good at keeping secrets, Commander Dameron.”

Luke sat on the edge of his bed. Poe was already sitting in the only available chair.

“On the issue of Ben, Rey is blinded by her love for Han,” Luke said. Poe felt a stab of pain. “And by fear. She feels a great responsibility.”

Poe felt guilty. “I’m sorry for giving her a hard time,” he said.

Luke smiled. “On the contrary,” he said. “She will need friends like you. She will need someone who cares for her to challenge her and ask her hard questions.”

Luke leaned closer to Poe. “The ability of Force-users to influence minds is believed by most of the galaxy to be a myth.” Luke looked past Poe, his eyes slightly unfocused. “You, of course, know it is very real.” The stare was mildly creepy. Poe wondered what Luke could see.

“Rey herself used a branch of this very same power when she persuaded the Stormtrooper to free her aboard the Starkiller base,” Luke continued eventually. “This is the same subversion of a person’s will she accuses Ben of now. 

That startled Poe. He logged it away to mull over later.

Luke’s eyes slid back into focus. “You will be relieved to know that I see no evidence that Ben has used the Force to control you in any manner, however,” he said. “Whatever choices you make, they are of your own volition.”

Poe did feel a flood of relief. The weight of doubt lifted off his shoulders.

Poe clapped his hands on his thighs. “Great,” he said. “I guess we’re done here.” He found he was eager to leave the room.

Luke hesitated. “You have a strong mind,” he said. “You have an abundance of bravery and an enviable amount of compassion and valiance.” Luke licked his lips. Poe shifted uncomfortably again.

“Yet you have very little trust in those you have given your loyalty to.”

Poe froze. He let his face go blank, put a wall around his thoughts.

Luke caught his eye. Poe gave him nothing. “You are not the only one who cares for Ben, Commander,” Luke said. “You are not alone.”


	7. Chapter 7

_“Take off that mask,” Han said. “You don’t need it.” The scavenger girl’s thoughts had not lied. He had grown old since Kylo had seen him last._

_“What do you think you’ll see if I do?” Kylo asked. This man was weak, he reminded himself, driven by love for a boy who no longer existed._

_“The face of my son,” Han said. Something in Kylo tremored._

_Kylo released his mask, pulling it away. He wondered briefly how his face had changed since Han had seen him last._

_“Your son is gone,” Kylo said. “He was weak and foolish, like his father, so I destroyed him.”_

_Kylo felt the flood of sorrow in Han rise to the surface. He stepped closer to Kylo, slowly._

_“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe.” He came closer. “But it’s not true. My son is alive.”_

_“No.” Kylo said. There was no room to waver. “The Supreme Leader is wise.”_

_“Snoke is using you for your power,” Han said. He closed the distance between them completely. “When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you.” Kylo fought the urge to step back, to retreat from the closeness of the man he had once loved._

_“You know it’s true,” Han said._

_Kylo did know it. He knew it painfully well. A sudden, long-forgotten urge for his father to ease his fear swelled inside him._

_“It’s too late,” he said. He knew that as well._

_“No it’s not,” Han said. “Leave here with me. Come home.” Kylo ached at the idea of “home.” He had nearly forgotten the meaning. “We miss you.”_

_It was not a lie. Kylo could feel no deception in Han. The man missed his son. But, Kylo reminded himself, he was not that boy. And his father offered him a dream that didn’t exist. There was no home, no happy family._

_Kylo’s mind was freshly battered from Snoke’s latest punishment. He hadn’t even had time to shower since Snoke had broken him like a cheap toy. He felt the taint on his skin like a brand._

_He imagined the look on his father’s face if he knew half the things he’d done._

_“I’m being torn apart,” Kylo said. It was the closest to admitting the truth he had ever come. “I want to be free of this pain.” Emotions he had forgotten, that he didn’t understand, rose in Kylo. He was shocked to feel tears burn his eyes._

_“I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” More honesty. Maybe it would be easier if his mother stood in front of him._

_Kylo looked at his father. “Will you help me?”_

_Han stepped so close to Kylo they were almost touching. Han didn’t shy away, didn’t seem repulsed. “Yes,” he said. “Anything.”_

_Kylo felt his helmet drop from his fingertips. He pulled his lightsaber from its holster, considering it. All he had to do was turn it on. If he struck down his own father in cold blood, maybe it would be the final push of wrath he’d need to overcome Snoke._

_Han’s hand closed around the lightsaber. It was a relief. Maybe they could leave. Maybe he could go back._

_The darkness set in as the Starkiller drained the remaining life from its victim sun. And in the darkness the fear found Kylo._

_There was nowhere for him to go. He could never run from what he had done. His only hope, his only point in existing, was to kill Snoke._

_Kylo activated the lightsaber. It flared viciously to life in the dim light. He felt his father’s body convulse as he was run through. The rush of Dark energy filled Kylo almost instantly. The strength of it nearly took his breath away._

_“Thank you,” he said._

_He pulled the blade from his father’s chest._

_This, this is what he had needed._

_Han looked at him. His face was frozen in pain but remarkably clear of shock or betrayal. He reached up, in the midst of his death throes, and touched Kylo’s face._

_The tenderness of the touch shook Kylo. Maybe, some small part of him said, his father understood. Han’s body pitched sideways off the bridge. As it tumbled, grief rose in Kylo. The place where Han’s palm had rested burned cold._

_He had killed his father._

_The power of the Dark ebbed away, replaced by regret. Kylo scrambled to hold onto it, trying to recapture the feeling of victory he’d experienced moments before._

_The bowcaster bolt struck Kylo, ripping through the flesh of his belly. Kylo just managed to stabilize himself and avoid being pitched off the bridge after his father._

_His eyes snapped up. He just caught sight of the scavenger’s tear-streaked face before the explosions shook the reactor._

_It was not too late._

_He needed the girl._

_Kylo summoned the salvageable bits of his rage and bound the wound tightly in his mind. He fled the Starkiller base as he heard the whine of X-fighter engines approaching._

_Kylo cut off his prey easily. They fled like frightened children through the woods. As they approached, a familiar presence touched Kylo’s mind. It was like a smell triggering a nearly-forgotten memory._

_The pilot. Kylo swayed, suddenly off center._

_His lightsaber flared to life in his hand. The girl’s companion. FN-2187. It was the Stormtrooper he had freed to save the pilot. He had returned, Poe’s jacket across his shoulders like a trophy, the simple impressions of his mind practically reeking of the influence of the pilot._

_Something ugly and petty flared inside Kylo when he thought of the closeness necessary to leave such a mark on someone._

_“We’re not finished yet,” he said._

_“You’re a monster,” the scavenger said. Kylo felt the anger and pain cascading off her. Good. That was good._

_“It’s just us now,” Kylo said. “Han Solo can’t save you.”_

_The pain was shaking him, making it hard for him to stand straight. He pounded against the wound, using the pain to sharpen his mind, drive his anger._

_The girl drew her blaster. She had bravery. Good. That was good._

_Kylo sent a blast of Force to knock her back. In his haze he misjudged his strength, sending her flying, slamming her into a tree._

_The scavenger crumpled to the ground, unconscious. “Rey!” said the Trooper. He ran to her side cradling her in his arms._

_Anger flared in Kylo. FN-2187 had taken the pilot. He would not have the girl too._

_Kylo brandished his lightsaber._

_“TRAITOR!” He roared. An anger he barely understood ripped through him._

_To Kylo’s surprise, the resolve of the Stormtrooper solidified. He activated a lightsaber, the blue shine of the blade nearly blinding Kylo. He recognized it instantly; it was the lightsaber his grandfather had wielded before his break with the Jedi._

_“That lightsaber,” Kylo said. He pointed his saber at the Stormtrooper. “It belongs to me.”_

_“Come get it!” The Stormtrooper bellowed. Kylo obliged. The man was untrained in how to use the saber. His form was sloppy. However, he was physically strong and had been trained for combat since a young age. He was able to stave off Kylo’s initial attacks. Pain pounded through Kylo at each movement. He felt the wound sapping at his strength._

_Furious, he pounded at it again. He pinned the Stormtrooper against the tree. He used the cross brace of his saber to burn the man’s shoulder, trying to get the man to drop the lightsaber._

_FN-2187 screamed._

_The mental scent of the pilot was stronger now that Kylo was closer. Kylo found himself searching FN-2187’s mind for a trace of where the pilot was now. He got sloppy. The Stormtrooper slipped away and landed a lucky strike on his arm._

_Kylo was furious with himself. He struck his opponent, ripping the saber from his hands and sending it flying through the air. He flipped his saber up the Stormtroopers back, slicing through the jacket, punishing the man for everything it represented._

_Kylo let his lightsaber shut off. His breath was coming in long gasps. He could feel the warmth of blood once again soaking his robes. He extended his hand to collect his grandfather’s saber. It shuddered but didn’t move._

_Fear ran through Kylo. Not since he was a child just discovering his connection had he failed in something so simple. He refocused and tried again._

_Suddenly he felt a will more steady and direct than his pull the saber. He whirled, just dodging being struck by it. The scavenger girl stood framed by moonlight, her face bared in a snarl._

_Kylo felt a creeping doubt. What if his master was right?_

_Kylo steeled himself once more and powered on his lightsaber._

_He was Kylo Ren._

_The girl’s form was even worse than the Stormtrooper’s and she lacked the physical strength of the man to compensate. Kylo drove her back easily. He ignored the way his vision was gathering spots._

_The girl stumbled through the dark. Kylo chased her until they reached the rift where the planet had begun to collapse._

_Kylo knew he had her. His master was wrong._

_But she was strong. And he could feel the anger inside her. He could use her._

_Kylo pressed his saber to hers, holding her over the chasm so she had to listen to him._

_“You need a teacher,” he said. His voice was thready. “I can show you the ways of the Force.”_

_The scavenger’s face went blank. For a moment, he thought she was considering it. His hands trembled at the thought. He could protect her. He could save her long enough to train her. And together, together Snoke couldn’t stop them._

_“The Force?” She said quietly._

_She closed her eyes. Kylo felt her tracing the lines of his Force connection, mimicking them the way she had in the base when she had read his mind. He tried to pull up a defense, to push her away but all his strength was consumed in containing his injuries._

_Kylo knew he should strike her, throw her over the cliff and be done. But she was his chance. She was his last hope._

_And then all at once it was too late._

_The scavenger opened her eyes. Kylo could feel the Force channeling through her now, guiding her use of the unfamiliar weapon. She whirled away from, backing him down with blows the way he had done to her. Kylo lacked the strength to do more than parry her strikes._

_She swung low, hitting him in the leg. Kylo just made it to his feet before she could swing down on him again._

_They locked arms, weapons pointed outward. Kylo tried to overpower her, should have overpowered her easily in these close quarters. But his body was failing. The girl drove his wrist down until his lightsaber carved a canyon in the soft earth._

_She managed to pull the lightsaber from his hand. She whirled away, slicing his face with her blade. Kylo hit the ground almost before his saber did._

_For a moment the scavenger stood over him. Kylo waited for the final blow. Some part of him, the part that had waited for death for years, noted how angry Snoke would be at being robbed of two prizes in one night._

_The earth shook. A new split opened at their feet, dragging them apart._

_The girl looked at him for a long moment before she turned to run._

_Despair swallowed Kylo._

_And the fear claimed him in the dark._

****

Kylo opened his eyes to Poe dabbing his forehead with a cool cloth.

“Welcome back,” Poe said. “You had me worried for a minute.” Kylo’s body ached and was clammy in the way that told him he’d been running a fever for a significant amount of time.

Kylo closed his eyes, trying to center himself. His limbs felt heavy.

The dream—the memory—had been so vivid.

His throat burned.

Kylo opened his eyes to find Poe offering him water. He sipped it gratefully.

“I thought I was supposed to be the mind reader,” he deadpanned.

Poe grinned. “What can I say? You’re an open book.”

Kylo sensed that Poe was kidding but the ease with which the pilot seemed to intuit his thoughts disturbed him. It was not something he was used to.

The pilot sat on the floor beside the mattress. His shoulders were slumped with tiredness. “How long was I…” Kylo asked, trying not to feel guilty.

Poe helped Kylo sit up. Kylo’s head swam. He was all too aware of the heat of Poe’s hands against him.

“Just over a day,” Poe said after Kylo had steadied. “You woke up a couple other times but you weren’t really coherent.”

Kylo didn’t know what to make of that. As Poe helped him drink more water Kylo noticed that Poe was determinedly avoiding his eye. He ducked to look at the pilot. A thin cut split Poe’s scalp along his hairline. It had been cleaned and neatly mended but was obviously fresh.

Anxiety ripple through Kylo. “Did I do that?”

Poe tried to get him to drink more water but Kylo pushed it away. Poe twisted the lid on, still not looking at Kylo.

“The fever dreams got pretty bad, huh?” Poe said.

Fear and anger encased every one of Kylo’s joints in ice. What had he said?

“I was the only one here,” Poe said. He was shredding a discarded piece of bandage, unraveling it between his fingers. “I didn’t let anyone else in, even the Med Droids.”

Kylo didn’t answer. He was fighting the pull of those memories.

“I thought it about a lot, you know,” Poe said. “After hearing Rey’s report.” The bandage had been reduced to a pile of string. Poe’s fingers twitched, looking for something else to occupy them. “I knew Snoke was going to hurt you so bad.”

Poe finally looked up. Kylo sunk to the mattress, fighting the urge to curl into a ball like a frightened child. He felt himself shaking, the tremors beginning to wrack his body.

“If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen,” Poe said. “You’re not alone anymore.”

Kylo managed to shake his head.

“I—I can’t think about,” he said. His good hand tightened against the sheet. “I can’t. If I let it in…” He jerked back to a sitting position, suddenly feeling too vulnerable on his stomach. “I can’t go there.” In a panic Kylo found himself reaching for the Force. He was too weak to grasp it; it snapped like gossamer strands.

“Ok,” Poe said. He leaned in, unafraid. He covered Kylo’s hand with his own. “Ok. Then don’t go there. Just stay here with me.”

The warm pressure of the pilot’s hand was like a beacon for Kylo. Without thinking, without realizing what he was doing, Kylo turned his hand so their palms pressed together. He gripped Poe’s hand tightly.

Slowly, Kylo managed to calm his thoughts and regain center. He nodded once.

Poe gave him a small half smile. He made no move to pull his hand away.

“Oh,” he said. “I brought someone to meet you.”

Kylo tensed instantly. He ripped his hand away from the pilot, pulling up every defense he could gather.

Poe held up his hands. “It’s ok,” he said. “Kylo, this is BB-8.”

A small orange and white ball peeked out from behind Poe.

“Ah,” Kylo said. He felt foolish for his reaction. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this meeting, I suppose.”

Poe laughed. BB-8 looked back and forth between the men beeping indignantly.

“Don’t worry, buddy,” Poe said, laughing.

The droid looked at Kylo. Kylo would have sworn the little droid narrowed his eyes in suspicion, if he were capable of such a thing.

Poe patted the droid on the head. “We’ve been through a lot together,” Poe said. The droid bumped Poe affectionately, nearly knocking him over.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Kylo said. He reached out to pat the droid on the head. BB-8 rolled out of his reach.

Kylo let his hand drop. “I don’t think he likes me very much,” he said.

Poe laughed, shrugging. “BB-8 is a little protective of me,” he said. “He’ll warm up.”

“Dwooo,” BB-8 said. Kylo didn’t think the droid sounded so sure.

Kylo stared. When Poe looked at the droid, his smile was genuine. It wasn’t the bravado and charm he put on to distance people. It gave Poe an air of ease Kylo didn’t realize he was missing until he saw it.

“So,” Kylo said. “The best pilot in the Resistance moonlights as a nurse and is best friends with an astromech droid.” A small smirk tugged at Kylo’s lips, curbing the edge of the words. “Where does General Organa continue to recruit such misfits?”

A small blush colored Poe’s neck. It was a nice look.

BB-8 beeped angrily, pushing toward Kylo. Poe put a reassuring hand on him. “It’s ok, BB-8,” he said. His voice had a hint of repressed laughter. “Kylo is just teasing.”

Kylo looked at the little droid, amused. “He certainly is… feisty,” he said.

Poe laughed. “He is,” he said. His face took on a more serious look. “But I trust him. More than anyone else.”

That was a heavy statement from Poe. Kylo felt it settle in the room like fog.

“What about the Stormtrooper and the scavenger?” Kylo asked.

“Rey and Finn,” Poe said. His face was stern. “They have names, Kylo.” Kylo shrugged. He thought Poe was going to let the question pass.

“It’s complicated,” Poe said after a long minute. His fingers were twitching again. “I trust them. On a mission, I’d trust them with my life without thinking. I have.”

Poe fell silent.

“But you don’t trust them with your secrets,” Kylo said.

Poe’s shoulders slumped a little more. “It’s not because I’m afraid they’ll betray me in some huge way,” Poe said. His fingers found the shredded bandage and began twisting the strings together. "I don’t want them to look at me different, to pity me.” BB-8 bumped Poe gently. “I don’t want them questioning if I’m strong enough to do my job, for my command.”

Kylo felt anger and frustration flash across Poe’s mind.

“I save lives,” Poe said. His eyes bored into Kylo’s, daring Kylo to challenge him. “When I’m the flight commander, casualties go down and the returns increase. The reports show it.” Poe’s hands balled into fists. “I don’t want what they did or… or who I sleep with to even be considered.”

Tears gathered in Poe’s eyes. He wiped them angrily. Kylo cocked his head. The rush of emotion coursing through Poe was unlike any he had felt before.

Insecurity, Kylo realized. And fear; fear that he’d lose the only thing he felt he was good at.

And fear he was wrong.

“Without you, it is highly probable the plan to destroy the Starkiller base would have failed, even with Han Solo’s aid,” Kylo said. “The weapon would have fired, and the Resistance would be in ruins.”

Poe shook his head, cutting in. “Someone else would have—“

“No one else did,” Kylo said. He leaned closer to Poe. “You are the only flight commander the First Order has concern over.” Kylo paused. He was revealing secrets now. “And you cause them such unease there is a bounty on your head, Commander Dameron.” Kylo straightened up. “If the Resistance would consider discarding you because of your bedmates, they are fools indeed.”

Kylo sensed a grim satisfaction swell in Poe at his words. However, the man was too smart to let pride distract him.

“There’s a bounty on me?” he asked.

Kylo gritted his teeth and nodded. “Yes,” he said. “It was placed after the destruction of the Starkiller base. Imagine the shame when we realized it was the same pilot we held captive on our ship only days before.”

Poe grinned. “Thank God for Finn,” he said.

Kylo felt a stab of something ugly. He told himself it wasn’t jealously.

“Yes,” he said evenly. “Thank God for Finn.”

“So who’s hunting this bounty?” Poe asked. Kylo sensed this was the commander asking, not just the man.

He answered anyway.

“Anyone who thinks they can,” Kylo said. “It’s quite handsome.” He paused until Poe looked up at him. He needed Poe to understand. “The Knights of Ren are looking, though they rarely kill their trophies outright.”

Kylo felt the appropriate chill seize Poe. Kylo barely registered BB-8’s alarmed beeping. “Stay away from them,” he said.

Poe shivered. He leaned in further, so close Kylo could feel the warmth radiating off his skin.

“Then tell me where I shouldn’t go,” Poe said.

Kylo scoffed and turned away, putting distance between them.

“Your bravery will not serve you well, Commander,” he said. “They could be anywhere by now. I have no idea of their movements since I was provided with these thoughtful accommodations.” Pain clenched in Kylo’s gut.

“And I have been with them very little lately,” he said. It was his turn to shiver. “I have been training at my Master’s side.”

Kylo couldn’t see Poe but he sensed the change in his manner. The hawk-like intensity and stoic barrier to his thoughts receded. Kylo felt the gentle pressure of Poe’s hand against his forearm. He slowly turned around. He didn’t stop Poe as he traced his fingertips down his arm to take his hand.

“Would you have hunted me with them?” Poe said after several minutes of silence.

“Yes.” Kylo couldn’t look at the pilot though he watched out of the corner of his eye.

The pilot nodded silently and considered that.

“And if you found me?” he asked.

Kylo tried to withdraw his hand. He didn’t deserve to draw comfort from the pilot while having this conversation.

Poe gripped his hand tighter, stopping the motion.

“I wouldn’t let them take you,” Kylo said. “I would have killed you quickly.”

Poe slid on to the mattress beside him, forcing Kylo to meet his eye.

“Then why haven’t you?” he asked. His voice was hardly more than a breath, barely disturbing the air between them.

The harsh lighting of the room made the dark circles under Poe’s eyes stand out. Kylo could see the way the man’s entire face sagged slightly with exhaustion, aging him beyond his years. But Poe’s eyes didn’t falter, didn’t blink. The soft brown drew Kylo in with an intensity that didn’t feel rushed, didn’t feel demanding.

And Kylo felt it. He was haunted, there was a ghost echoing through the Force.

He pulled his hand from Poe’s slowly—it wasn’t reluctance, he told himself—and dragged it up Poe’s arm—a ploy to instill fear—until it rested against Poe’s throat.

“Is that what you want?” Kylo’s was husky, almost shaky. He wished for the comfort of his voice-modulating helmet.

Poe’s pulse throbbed against his hand, calm and steady. The pilot stared into Kylo’s eyes, unafraid.

He was Kylo Ren.

Kylo tightened his fingers. He felt Poe’s breath hitch once, twice. Kylo flexed, feeling a surge of strength wash through him. Poe’s pulse sped now, confused by the lack of oxygen. Poe raised his hand and Kylo gritted his teeth. The pilot would struggle now. Now he would be afraid.

But Poe’s fingers simply brushed Kylo’s cheek softly before settling on his tricep, curling weakly in his robes. Kylo felt hollow, like his torso had been carved out.

The pull of the light was unbearable.

Kylo let Poe go, closing his eyes, pounding his fist into the wall until he felt his knuckles break and he was heaving for air.

Who was he?

When Kylo finally turned back, Poe was waiting silently, an angry red mark circling his throat.

“I’m going to fight them, whenever and however I can,” Poe said. He moved closer to Kylo, slowly, like he was approaching a frightened animal. “Chances are, eventually someone is going to capture me again.” Kylo felt nauseous “If you don’t want that to happen, and you’re not going to kill me quickly so I can avoid it, help me.”

Kylo shook. Everything was crumbling in a way he couldn’t fathom, couldn’t have imagined. He dropped his head, his hair falling over his face.

“Ok.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a short chapter but the next chapter should be up without much delay. :)

The X-wing engine clicked as it cooled down. Poe hopped from the cockpit, legs struggling to catch his weigh after so long in the cramped position. At this late hour the hangar was mostly empty, but the few mechanics and crew that had been scheduled to receive him slunk over, wiping tiredness from their eyes.

Poe left quickly. He didn’t find a quiet hangar peaceful. Not anymore.

As Poe crossed the landing strip Finn nearly bowled him over with his enthusiastic greeting. “I’m glad your back, man,” Finn said. “This place is too quiet without you.” The men embraced, slapping each other on the back. Poe turned and embraced Rey as well.

“I’m glad you made it safely, Commander,” Rey said.

Poe accepted the greeting and ignored the lingering doubt he saw on Rey’s face. He grabbed his friend’s by their elbows, urging them forward. “Is the council gathered?” he asked. The exhaustion seeped from his frame when he thought of the report he brought. “I need to talk to them. Everything Kylo told us is true.” The words gushed out of Poe. “This is going to be huge.”

Rey and Finn exchanged a glance that Poe didn’t quite catch but they fell in step beside him. “Yes,” Rey said. “They gathered when we got word of your approach.”

General Organa greeted him with a brief embrace. She quieted the room and motioned for Poe to begin. Poe related all that he’d discovered on his four-day reconnaissance mission. He gave the council as much detail as he muster, at times turning to BB-8 to display photos, recordings or other intel they’d managed to capture. He fielded questions from his audience, the debriefing stretching into the early hours of the morning.

“As nearly as I could tell,” Poe said, finally summing up. “All the information Kylo gave us checks out. There are weapon caches, installments, recruitment and training centers, at each of the sites he gave us.” Poe leaned on the table, exhaustion catching up with him. “I couldn’t always get as close as I’d like because my first priority was non-detection but from what I saw, his logistical information is correct as well.”

Murmuring broke out the room. Everyone whispered to their neighbor, several people formed small huddles, discussing the declaration. General Organa rose and silenced the room with a wave of her hand. “Please sit,” she said, motioning to Poe’s chair. “We have done you a disservice keeping you on your feet this long.” The room was silent while they waited for Poe to be seated.

General Organa nodded. “Thank you for your report. It may take days to comb through all the information you have brought us,” she said. “And that is why I must ask you: what is your formal recommendation moving forward, Commander Dameron?”

Poe drew a long breath. “Assuming I wasn’t spotted—and I have no reason to believe I was—our biggest advantage is surprise,” Poe said. He met the general’s eye. “I would feel comfortable leading a strike team on any of these locations based on Kylo’s information.”

Several people stared at Poe like he had suggested they switch to a diet comprised entirely of laigrek flesh. “General, surely you can’t consider authorizing this on the recommendation of one man and an enemy who is surely waiting to betray us,” Ematt said.

Anger straightened Poe’s spine. He opened his mouth to argue but Rey beat him to it.

“Surely you remember you are the one who refused to deploy scout pilots to investigate Kylo’s information, forcing Poe to go alone,” she said.

A slight flush colored Ematt’s face. “The fact remains that—“

“Commander Dameron’s information has always proven reliable in the past,” Rey said. “Far and above the average scout’s.” Pride set Poe’s mouth in a grim smile. He gave Rey a nod of thanks, which she returned.

“If we do decide to attack,” Admiral Ackbar said, “The question of target prioritization remains.”

Poe settled back in his chair, relieved that the tide of the conversation was shifting.

“We’ll begin analyzing and sifting through Commander Dameron’s data immediately,” General Organa said. “I imagine we should be prepared for preliminary discussions within 36 hours.” Poe’s eyes grew heavy as the conversation drifted further into planning and organization.

“Is acting on this information really the best move?” Finn asked.

Poe’s eyes snapped open. He leaned forward in his chair, anger rising in his throat.

“I mean, the First Order has to know that Kylo Ren has been captured, right?” Finn said. “If all of a sudden we launch strikes on a bunch of installations we shouldn’t know exist, they’ll know he’s talked. That makes it less likely that information Ren gives us in the future will still be useable.”

Poe slumped back in his chair, considering. Finn actually had a point.

“What ensures there will better information in the future?” said the small dark-haired officer who had sided with Ematt previously.

“Or that that information will be reliable,” Ematt said. “I think it is very likely Ren is trying to lure us in with these table scraps so we will fall for the trap that isn’t easily verified preemptively.”

Poe leaned forward, slapping his hands against the table with more force than he intended. “Table scraps?!” he said. “This is information we couldn’t have gathered on our own in _years_.”

But a worried buzz had started in the room as Ematt’s assertion played on the fear of the council. Poe let his head hang between his arms.

He pushed away from the table, standing.

“General, if you don’t mind I’d like to be excused,” he said. “It’s been a long trip.”

The general looked surprised but nodded. “Of course, Commander,” she said. “Please get some rest.”

Poe had just rounded the first corner in the corridor when Finn caught up to him.

“Hey man,” Finn said. “Are you ok?”

Poe didn’t stop walking. “Yeah,” he said. “Just worn out.”

“I’ve never seen you walk out on a council meeting before,” Finn said. Poe could feel Finn’s heavy gaze resting on him.

“There’s nothing I can say that’s going to change their minds,” Poe said. “And I’m too tired to listen to it.”

“They’ll come around, man,” Finn said. “They’ve just got to look at it from every angle. There’s no way they’ll let all that intel and risk you took go to nothing.”

They walked in silence for a few steps. “Poe?” Finn said. Poe nodded to show he was listening. Finn hesitated. “Your room is the other way.”

Poe gritted his teeth, wishing his friend had stayed with the council. “Kylo’s room is this way.”

The stunned look on Finn’s face made Poe’s face burn in embarrassment. He left the silent question unanswered. He didn’t really understand it himself.

“It has to be tonight?” Finn asked finally.

Poe tucked his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “We didn’t leave things the best last time we talked,” he said. “I want to make sure he’s ok.”

“You didn’t tell the council you fought with him,” Finn said.

Poe shot him an annoyed look. “We didn’t fight,” he said. “He just didn’t want me to go.”

“To investigate the information he gave you?”

Poe stopped. He turned to Finn, his face painstakingly controlled. “Alone. Into enemy territory with no back up and no way of signaling anyone if I got into trouble.”

Finn had the good grace to look ashamed. He hung his head, putting a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Poe,” Finn said. “That’s just not how I think of him yet.” They started walking again.

“Why will he talk to you and no one else?” Finn asked. “I don’t get it.”

Poe remained silent. There was nothing he could say to that.

Finn sighed. They were outside the door to Kylo’s cell. Finn grabbed Poe’s hand before he could enter the passcode.

“Poe just wait,” he said. “You know I’ve always got your back.” He let go of Poe now. “Nothing is going to change that.” Guilt trickled through Poe, making him feel like a slowly deflating balloon.

“Finn—“

Finn held up his hand to silence Poe. “I trust you,” he said. “That doesn’t mean I agree with what you’re doing. And I sure as hell don’t understand it. But you be safe.” He grinned and punched Poe on the arm. “Where would we find another crazy ass pilot like you?”

Poe gave Finn a smile, ignoring the hollow pit in his stomach. He slapped his hand against Finn's arm affectionately.

Poe keyed the entry code and stepped into the hallway. As the door began to close he hesitated, turning around just in time to see Finn turn away, shaking his head in disbelief.

****

Kylo was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, his back to the door.

“So you survived,” Kylo said without turning around.

Poe closed the distance between them, sitting beside Kylo. “You told the truth," he said "It was all where you said it would be.”

Kylo glanced at Poe out of the corner of his eye. “Did you doubt me?”

“No,” Poe said. “But the other Resistance leaders did. Now we have proof.” Poe turned to face Kylo. “This is going to help. A lot.”

Kylo turned his head away, surveying the empty wall. “I didn’t do it for them.”

That made Poe’s heart pump faster for a moment. He could think of nothing to say.

“I can bring some chairs if you want,” Poe said after a long minute of silence. “Then you won’t have to sit on the ground.”

“You don’t have to,” Kylo said. “The ground is generally better for meditation.”

“Oh,” Poe said. He felt stupid. “Right.” He remembered the mat in Luke’s quarters for the same purpose. He resolved to find one for Kylo.

“You smell like you’ve been in your ship for a week,” Kylo said. Embarrassment made Poe’s face flush crimson but a small smile tugged at Kylo’s lips. “And you look like you’re about to collapse.” He climbed to his feet with a leonine grace and offered Poe his good hand. “Shower. I’ll find you something to eat.”

The water washed layers of sweat and grime and exhaustion off Poe. He tipped his head back and rubbed his shoulders, allowing the hot water to sink into his sore muscles. He washed twice, allowing the long, tense flight slide off him and down the drain.

He dried off and borrowed clothes from Kylo’s shelf. He had to roll the pants and sleeves a comical amount of times to get them to fit but he made it work. When Kylo saw him he smirked but said nothing. He tossed Poe an instant bread ration and a protein bar which, Poe realized with a pang, Kylo had been living off since he left.

Poe tore into the food voraciously. Kylo motioned for Poe to sit beside him on the bed. Poe complied. The bedframe, Poe realized, had been repaired. He wondered how Kylo had managed that with all his injuries and one hand. He looked at Kylo and arched an eyebrow.

“Determination,” Kylo said. “And boredom."

Poe laughed.

“So you had no trouble on your mission,” Kylo asked. He sat against the headboard and Poe leaned against the wall at the foot of the bed so they could face each other.

Poe shook his head. “No one even realized I was there,” he said. “There were no major complications.”

Kylo leaned his head back against the headboard. “Until you got back.”

Poe’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Kylo gave him a crooked smile. “You were thinking very loud when you came in.”

Poe sighed. He ground the heels of his hands against his eyes. “They’ll figure it out. I’ll make sure of it.”

Poe could feel Kylo staring at him. He dropped his hands.

“You lied to me,” Kylo said.

That startled Poe. “I did?” he said. He racked his brain.

“You told me you weren’t afraid that your friends would betray you in a large, dramatic way,” Kylo said. He twisted his fingers in his lap. “But you are. It terrifies you.”

Poe rubbed his hand across his hair. “You know, it’s really unfair that you can do that,” he said.

Kylo dropped his head. He looked ashamed. “I know,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. I’m not doing it on purpose.”

It was a conscious effort for Poe to stop his mouth from falling open in shock. That was an apology he never—never—thought he’d get from Kylo, or any other Force user.

“Can you hear my thoughts all the time?” he asked.

Kylo shook his head. “Most of the time I just get impressions and small insights. Like I can sense your mood or if you’re feeling a strong emotion.”

Poe crossed his legs and leaned forward. “And it’s like that with everyone?”

Kylo nodded. “More or less,” he said. “Some people’s minds are naturally more guarded than others.” Kylo finally looked up. “The first time I met you I got almost nothing off you in passing.” He shrugged and dropped his head once more, shame carving his features. “But since I broke into your mind, I can read you better, and better again since you let me in.”

Goosebumps rose on Poe’s skin at the memory. “I’m not sorry I did,” he said. Kylo looked miserable. Poe leaned forward a little more. “I’m not.”

“I think you can see into me a little bit, too,” Kylo said. “Nothing big, obviously, because your connection to the Force isn’t as strong.” Kylo licked his lips. “But after I took your memories aboard the Finalizer, I accidentally reversed the connection. That’s why you saw mine. At least I think so.”

Poe just stared. There was so much information in that sentence that he couldn’t absorb straight away.

“My connection to the Force?” he said.

Kylo cocked his head and nodded. “Has no one ever told you?” he asked. He scoffed. “Of course they haven't."

Poe tried his best not to look dumbfounded.

"It’s fairly insignificant but it’s there," Kylo said. "It’s probably part of the reason you’re such an extraordinary pilot.”

Poe tried to shake off shock and get his tired brain to process.

He failed, and his thoughts fell back to the last point he'd understood the conversation.

“Jalba was my friend once,” he said. He watched as Kylo struggled to shift gears and catch up to Poe’s disjointed train of thought. He managed it almost before Poe did. “We hadn’t been close in years. Jealousy and competiveness drove us apart. Even before his accident we barely talked anymore so I guess it’s dramatic to call it betrayal but…”

Kylo moved closer to Poe. They didn’t touch but Poe could feel the warmth of Kylo’s body beside him.

“Finn was a Stormtrooper. It’s not fair to hold that against him and I don’t. But I haven’t known him that long. He hasn’t even known himself outside of the conditioning that long. He’s a good man, the best. But what if I’m wrong? And how would he react if he knew what I am? What if he changes.”

The words were pouring out of Poe now. He wasn’t sure he was making sense, he was almost sure he wasn’t but he couldn’t remember how to stop the flood. “And Rey. She’s so passionate, so strong. And everyone talks about how easy it is for Jedi to fall, the danger of it. If she did she could be so… so…”

Poe’s looked at Kylo as he realized what he was saying. Kylo stared at him levelly. “She could be like me,” he said.

Poe nodded.

“Why aren’t you afraid of me?” Kylo asked quietly.

Poe looked at him. That was a question he had asked himself every hour since he’d stepped into Kylo’s cell.

“I was,” Poe said. “Sometimes you still terrify me.” Kylo’s face twitched. Poe knew that hurt him.

“You aren’t what they said you are,” Kylo said. It was his turn to careen the conversation off course.

He guided Poe so he was leaning against the wall once more and sat beside him. Their arms pressed together. Kylo placed one hand on Poe’s thigh, just above the knee. “Nothing they said to you that night is true.”

Poe gave Kylo a brittle smile. It was supposed to be his signature grin but he felt it fall far short. “It’s ok,” Poe said. “Being a slut isn’t so bad after you admit it.”

“If you actually enjoyed it, it wouldn’t be bad,” Kylo said. He grabbed Poe’s arm and pulled up the too-big sleeve, exposing an ugly bruise on Poe’s forearm. Poe scrunched his eyes shut. “But I don’t believe for a second you enjoy rough sex.”

Kylo released Poe’s arm. Poe pulled the sleeve down immediately. “You’re just punishing yourself,” Kylo said. He huffed angrily. “They did not ruin you, Poe.”

Tears began to leak between Poe’s lashes. He dropped his head. Kylo was still and silent for a long time.

“I had never seen anything like you before,” Kylo said at last. Poe dared to glance at him out of the corner of his eyes. "And I haven't since."

“You fear telling your friends about what happened to you—rightly so,” Kylo continued. “But if my allies found out…” Poe felt Kylo repress a shudder. Poe slipped his hand into Kylo’s, lacing their fingers together.

“I knew I could never, ever let anyone find out,” Kylo said. His eyes were far away. Poe squeezed his hand until Kylo looked at him. “And when you saw what you saw, I had to kill you. I wanted to. But you looked at me…”

Kylo looked at Poe now. Poe felt a slight blush color his cheeks, though he wasn’t sure why. “You were sad,” Kylo said. “I always knew the only reason anyone would care is because they could use it against me but I was wrong. When I looked into your head I was wrong.”

Poe wrapped his other hand around Kylo’s tricep, softly pulling Kylo closer to him, holding on. “I wanted you to know,” Kylo said. His voice was soft, a low rumble. “I was weak. I wanted there to be one person who knew, who cared. Even though it changed nothing. I wanted to have one witness.”

Kylo’s eyes drifted far away again. His hand trembled ever-so-slightly in Poe’s. “And I had to get you off that ship,” Kylo said. “I couldn’t let things be, even though I knew I should.”

Poe straightened. “Finn broke me out and helped me get to Jakku,” Poe said. 

Kylo’s eyes snapped back into focus. He glanced at Poe and then looked down. “Yes,” he said. “FN-2187 betrayed us. So I was spared the trouble.”

Poe furrowed his brow. He searched Kylo’s face. Kylo deliberately avoided his eye.

“How many Stormtroopers have betrayed the First Order?” Poe asked.

Kylo didn’t raise his head. “FN-2187 is the first,” he said quietly. Poe’s heart pounded in his chest.

“Kylo?”

Slowly Kylo tilted his head to look at Poe. The moment stretched between them. Neither moved, neither spoke. The connection between them built tension, pulling tighter and tighter, the intensity of it sharpening Poe’s senses and dulling his thoughts.

Poe leaned in and pressed his lips to Kylo’s.

The kiss was short, chaste. Poe hid his face in Kylo’s neck after, too afraid to see Kylo’s expression. He felt Kylo’s hand against his body, pressing him down, guiding him until Poe was lying flat on the bed. Kylo’s body stretched beside him, long and muscular. Anticipation fluttered in Poe’s belly; it wasn’t fear, not even nervousness, but an acute awareness of Kylo, the way his body—even injured—coiled with power and grace.

Poe kept his eyes down, refusing to look beyond the rise and fall of his own chest. He was so focused on the potency of Kylo’s strength the gentleness of Kylo’s touch made him shiver in surprise.

Kylo placed his hand alongside Poe’s neck, using his thumb to tip Poe’s chin up until they were looking at each other.

Kylo kissed him. The kiss was slightly longer than the first but no less simple. When Kylo pulled back he rested his forehead against Poe’s. They stayed like that for a long moment.

Finally they moved apart. Neither spoke; there was no need to. And eventually they drifted off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

“We’re going to head up to our rooms if you want to walk out together,” Finn said. Poe looked at his drink. It was still more than half full, and he longed for its brain dulling effects.

“I’m going to hang out with some of the other pilots for a bit more,” he said. It was a believable lie. The cantina was still filled with Resistance fighters, celebrating a chance to cut loose as they stopped to refuel and rest before their jump home.

By early evening tomorrow, they’d be back on base.

Finn clapped his hand on Poe’s shoulder. “I’m glad you came out with us, man,” Finn said. Finn swayed slightly on his feet. He had not nursed his drink, or the shots that preceded it. “I miss hanging out with you.”

Finn threw his arms around Poe in the unabashed manner of the slightly intoxicated. “Do yourself a favor and do more than flirt with that pretty bartender, huh?” Poe knew Finn thought he was whispering but his voice carried easily.

The woman behind the bar colored slightly and shot Poe appreciative glances over the drinks she was pouring. Poe gave her his best grin. Rey giggled and pulled Finn off Poe. She smiled but her eyes were solemn, as they always were these days.

“Come on, Matchmaker,” she said. She steered Finn toward the exit. “I don’t think Commander Heartbreaker needs any of your assistance.” Poe let his smile widen a little more, ignoring the hollow feeling in his chest.

He returned Rey’s farewell wave and chatted with the bar maid until he was sure they had gone. Only then did he let the act taper off. He let the smile drop and downed his drink He relished the way it burned down through his chest. He put credits down on the bar.

“Make it two shots,” he said.

She took the money with a scowl, put off by his sudden shift but she poured his drinks before moving on to other customers. Poe felt guilty. He took the shots, one after another, letting his head grow fuzzy in the aftermath. It helped some, but Poe still felt awful.

Poe had been gone frequently over the last three weeks, flying missions for the Resistance, and each time he returned Kylo was more withdrawn. Physically, the man was recovering rapidly but the stronger he got the moodier and more distant he became.

Before Poe left for this latest mission they had barely spoken, and not touched at all. Poe ordered another drink. It did nothing to quail the storm of self-loathing inside him.

He had known it was only a matter of time before Kylo realized how disgusting he was.

He left the bartender a healthy tip. It wasn’t her fault, after all. Poe’s head buzzed as he walked down the streets of some back-system planet he couldn’t even remember the name of. It didn’t take Poe long to find what he was looking for.

He’d had a lot of practice.

Poe pulled his shirt off and tossed it in a trash bin before putting his jacket on over a bare chest. He led his pants slide a little lower than usual on his hips. He had other shirts. What he didn’t have was time for subtlety.

Poe made just enough of an entrance to attract attention. He went to the bar and ordered a fruity drink. The kind that was easy to consume, easy to devour and came in a glass that was easy to break.

Poe was just about to pay for it when someone placed a large hand in the small of his back. “This one’s on me,” the man said. Poe sipped the drink, nodding his head in thanks.

The man stared. Poe arched his back and let him look.

“You got a name?” the man asked.

Poe raised an eyebrow, fishing the cherry out of his drink and making a show of eating it. “You need one?”

The man grunted. Poe could practically hear him spring a partial.

“Nah,” the man said. He moved his hand down, sliding it under the waistband of Poe’s jeans to cup his ass. “It doesn’t matter what I yell when I’m pounding your ass.”

Poe ignored the way his stomach heaved.

“You really think you can handle me?” Poe said. He looked the man up and down, letting his eyes deliberately linger over the man’s crotch so it was a personal challenge.

Anger colored the man’s face. He grabbed Poe’s arm, jerking him off the stool. “You’re going to pay for that, bitch,” he said. Poe smiled like he doubted it. The man growled. Poe pulled against him, refusing to be moved.

“You got a condom?” he said.

The man rolled his eyes. “You think I’d put in a slut like you without one?” he said.

Poe nodded and let the man drag him from the bar. They emerged in a dark alley, long with no light. The man pitched Poe into the wall, driving the breath from his lungs. He turned around and he man was on him. He kissed Poe roughly, using one hand to pin Poe’s arm to the wall, the other palming Poe through his pants.

Poe bit the man, not hard enough to draw blood but hard enough to startle. The man pulled back in surprise. Poe smiled wickedly. The man struck him across the face. Poe felt his lip split and tasted blood. The man used Poe’s momentary distraction to force him around, driving his face into the wall. He pinned Poe there, his elbows digging into Poe’s back as he worked himself out of his pants and rolled a condom onto his hard cock.

The man forced Poe’s pants down. The cool night air made Poe shiver. He heard the squick of lubricant but the fingertip that pressed into him was dry. He arched his body, his arms flexing against the wall trying to shake the man off as real panic seized him for the first time that night.

The man laughed. He removed the finger, pulling Poe’s head back by his hair. “Easy, slut,” he said. “You be nice and so will I.” Poe felt the numbness start to take over and he nearly sighed in relief. He struggled weakly to drive the man on, but not so much as to anger him.

Fingers invaded Poe’s body again, this time slick with lube. The man was rough but not cruel as he prepared Poe’s body. He kept his other hand in Poe’s hair, dragging his head back so far Poe had to arch his body.

Poe bit back the panic, forcing himself to relax and take what the man would give him.

Finally the man entered Poe. On instinct Poe tensed, trying to expel the intrusion but the reaction was too late, too little. A cloying nausea settled in Poe’s throat. He gripped against the wall to stop himself from turning and pushing the man away.

True to his word, the man pounded. There was no elegance or balance to the thrusts; the man simply rutted against Poe as hard as he could. The tender skin of Poe’s hips shredded against the rough brick wall. The man’s hand found Poe’s nipples and he pinched and twisted them cruelly until Poe was mewling.

Poe braced his hands against the wall, trying to push away. All he accomplished was shifting the angle slightly so the man ploughed clumsily against his prostate. Pleasure and pain rocketed Poe’s body as the attention his prostate called his own cock to attention but it was abraided on each stroke by the rough wall.

Poe was leaking by the time the man came, driving him into the wall on last time, gripping his hips with bruising force. Poe sagged against the wall as the man pulled out, stripping the dirty condom before tucking himself away. Poe whimpered in revulsion.

“Don’t worry,” the man said, misinterpreting the sound entirely. “I’m not going to leave you without yours.” He wrapped a large hand around Poe’s cock, pumping him with long, firm strokes. He paused to run his thumb across Poe’s slit, spreading a bead of pre-cum down Poe’s length.

“No,” Poe breathed. “No, no, no.”

The man resumed his torture of Poe’s now over-sensitive nipples, making Poe shake and fall back against his chest. The man’s steady attention drove Poe toward the edge.

Poe twitched his head trying to rid himself of the lingering image of Kylo.

Kylo didn’t want him.

The man pumped Poe faster now, sliding a hand up to his throat, choking him to enhance the pleasure. Poe trembled in his arms.

 _Why would he?_ Poe thought. He came with another whimper, spilling his seed over the man’s hand. The man wiped the mess on Poe’s pants, letting Poe slide bonelessly to the ground.

“Thanks for the fun, babe,” the man said. He rose walked away, leaving Poe lying on the ground with the other garbage.

Poe eventually found the presence of mind to pull up and fasten his pants. He zipped his jacket over his bare torso and tried to flatten his hair into some semblance of normality. He took a shaky breath and left the alley.

Poe didn’t meet anyone on the way back to his room. Poe knew it wouldn’t be long before he could see the grey light of dawn. He showered, scrubbing his skin until it was red and raw. He dressed again went to his X-wing. Impatiently, he waited until he could herd his pilots and their retinue into order so they could get home.

Finn was one of the first to appear. He was still rubbing sleep from his eyes and he yawned dramatically. He froze when he saw Poe, suddenly alert.

“Poe, what happened to you?” he said. Poe smiled until his lip stung. “This is what I get for taking your advice,” he said. “Little Miss-Flirt-and-Drink has a very large fiancé.”

Finn’s face went from shocked to dumb to smiling in under a second. He doubled up laughing. “And he just hit you?” A larger group was gathering now. “You’ve got to tell me what happened.”

Poe flashed his teeth in a grin and lied.

****

The doors hissed as they sealed. Poe, Kylo realized, was shielding his thoughts more than he had in quite some time. That bothered Kylo, but he pushed the disappointment down. He had no claim to the pilot, he reminded himself.

Kylo finished his stretch before turning. His injured arm ached, the bones were still weak and healing, but he ignored the way it protested, using the pain to build a wall in his own mind. Two could play that game.

Finally, Kylo turned, only to feel the anger rage through him. Poe was smiling softly but his lip was split badly, his jaw was slightly swollen.

Kylo closed this distance between them. He ripped open Poe’s shirt, buttons skiddering across the floor. Poe’s nipples and pecs were black with overlapping bruises. A bandage covered each hip but couldn’t hide the bruising blossoming in four straight lines on each side. A bruise that looked disturbingly like a thumbprint marred Poe’s throat.

“Who did this?” Kylo said quietly. Anger pulsed through Kylo. He would find them and rip their tongue from their cruel, abusive throat.

“Kylo—“

“Who?” Kylo said. He realized he was still gripping the lapels of Poe’s shirt in his hands. He released them.

“I don’t know his name,” Poe said. He dropped his head. “I wanted it Kylo. He didn’t force me.”  
Jealousy ripped through Kylo. He turned away from Poe so he wouldn’t see but he was too slow.

“Kylo,” Poe said.

Kylo turned back, grabbing Poe’s arm and crushing their mouths together. The kiss wasn’t rough but it was hard. Kylo pressed their lips together, deepening the kiss until they separated, gasping for air.

Poe let his head sag into the cradle of Kylo’s shoulder. Kylo buried his nose in Poe’s hair.

“Why Poe?” he said.

Poe made a soft sobbing noise. “I didn’t think you wanted me,” he said.

Kylo let his fingertips just brush the exposed skin of Poe’s ribcage. “Why wouldn’t I want you?”

Kylo felt the tide of self-loathing drag Poe under again. Poe retreated, pulling away from Kylo’s touch.

Kylo let him.

“Because I’m disgusting.” Kylo couldn’t tell if Poe had spoken the words out loud or if he had plucked them from the pilot’s mind.

Kylo felt the anger swirl around him, wrapping him up like a shroud. “I don’t want to make you feel that way,” he said. Poe shot him a confused look.

Kylo balled his hands into fists. “I don’t want to make you feel the way you do after they fuck you,” Kylo said. “I don’t want to make you ache and bleed. Or look down and realize my hands are around you throat.”

Kylo brushed his hand against Poe’s neck. Poe shuddered, closing his eyes. Kylo withdrew.

“I don’t want to make you wear my seed like a badge of shame or humiliate you.” The words were boiling out of Kylo now. “I don’t want to make you feel dirty.”

A tear rolled down Poe’s cheek. Kylo wiped it away, looking at Poe’s bruised body. “I don’t want to be part of this.”

“You wouldn’t,” Poe said softly.

Kylo scoffed. He turned his back on Poe. He walked across the room, putting distance between them. “I could,” he said. “You know I’m capable of worse.” Poe was still and quiet. Kylo knew he wanted to deny it, but couldn’t.

“If I lose control, I could kill you,” Kylo said.

The scuffle of Poe’s boots as he shifted his weight was the only noise.

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Poe said.

Kylo shot the pilot a condescending smile over his shoulder. “But it always is, right?” he said. Kylo stared up into the light, trying to ignore the phantom hands he felt pawing at his own body.

Disgusting.

And then suddenly Poe’s hand was on his hip, solid and warm. He turned to face the pilot. Poe was standing very close to him. Kylo could smell the scent of his hair, spicy and musky and earthy.

“Have you ever been touched by anyone but him?” Poe asked. Kylo’s legs threatened to collapse and his eyes burned. He blinked furiously, refusing to let tears fall. Poe guided him softly to the edge of the bed.

Poe knelt at Kylo’s feet. He gripped Kylo’s knees, looking up into his face. “Can I?” Poe asked. His voice was soft but earnest. “Just once so you’ll know what it can be like.”

There was a cold dread in Kylo’s stomach but he felt the pull of desire. Poe kneeling, looking up at him with such intent was a promise Kylo wanted very much to accept.

He nodded.

Poe paused to unlace and remove his boots.

“I’ll stop the second you don’t like something,” Poe said. “I’m not going to hurt you.” Kylo nodded. He still felt cold.

Poe climbed onto the bed, kneeling. “Hey,” he said. He tipped Kylo’s chin up so their eyes met. “I’m not him. You’re with me.”

Kylo nodded again, focusing on Poe; Poe who was very much heat and compassion and alive.

Poe moved in, straddling Kylo’s lap, kissing him. He started slow, letting Kylo set the pace, one of his hands in Kylo’s hair, the other braced against his thigh. Poe teased his tongue into Kylo’s mouth softly, just enough to caress Kylo’s lip.

Kylo responded. Soon their tongues were tentatively exploring one another, gentle and unhurried. Poe moaned softly into the kiss. He guided Kylo’s hands to his waist. Kylo flexed his fingers gently against Poe’s thin hips.

Poe kissed his way along Kylo’s jawline, making Kylo’s heart stammer. Poe’s hand was working its way further up Kylo’s leg and a rush of blood flooded to the area. Poe kissed Kylo’s neck.

A very small sound of satisfaction escaped Kylo.

Kylo felt Poe’s lips spread into a smile against his skin. He tilted his chin upward and sucked playfully at the lobe of Kylo’s ear.

Every muscle in Kylo’s body tightened in revulsion. He shoved Poe, sending him sprawling onto the bed and flew to his feet. He gathered the Force, scrubbing the side of his face with his sleeve. And then he froze.

Kylo turned back to Poe guiltily, feeling foolish.

“It’s ok,” Poe said before Kylo could speak. He had climbed back to his knees. “It’s ok. I won’t touch you there again. I’m sorry.”

Poe held out his hand and waited for Kylo to come to him. Eventually Kylo did. He climbed back onto the bed. The couple kissed softly for a few minutes, regaining the rhythm and closeness. Kylo broke the kiss, breathing deeply. Poe nuzzled his cheek softly.

“Are you ok?” Poe asked. Kylo nodded. Poe softly ran his hand up Kylo’s arm.

“Tell me what you need,” he said.

“Can I-“ Kylo fisted his hands in the sheets. He looked away. Poe continued to nuzzle his neck.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes,” Poe said. There was no fear or hesitation. He stripped off his shirt, moving closer to Kylo again.

Kylo ran his hands along Poe’s body. He explored the rail of Poe’s spine, the way the muscles knotted in his shoulders, proving a strength belying his small frame. Kylo traced the curve of Poe’s rib cage, the flat planes of his chest, the small points of his nipples.

Goosebumps raised on Poe’s flesh. The way he moved in Kylo’s hands, arching, twisting, wanting to be touched, sent another rush of blood to Kylo’s groin.

Poe pulled their bodies down so he was flat on the bed, Kylo braced on top of him. Poe arched his head to kiss Kylo again, reaching into his robes to cup Kylo’s throbbing phallus.

The wave of pleasure that rocketed through Kylo nearly made him collapse on top of Poe. The grin Poe gave him made his erection pulse again. Poe opened Kylo’s robes to expose his chest and tipped him over so they were lying side by side.

Poe’s mouth moved to Kylo’s collarbone and down his chest. Kylo wrapped his arms around Poe. He willed away the memories of every time he’d be touched before now. He forced himself not to even consider the frailty of the Poe’s body, and how easy it would be to break it should he need to.

Poe was not going to hurt him.

Kylo opened his eyes. The pilot was beautiful. His beautifully tanned skin stood out against Kylo’s pallor, warm and vibrant. His dark lashes formed dark crescents, complementing the long angle of his cheekbones. His expression was serene as that sweet, pink tongue flicked out to tease Kylo’s nipple.

Kylo gasped, fully in tune with the sensations Poe was bringing out in his body. Poe’s hand dipped into Kylo’s robes once more, freeing his erection. Kylo gasped as it was exposed to the air, the warm pressure of Poe’s hand cupping his balls.

Poe slide further down Kylo’s body, leaving a path of oversensitive flesh where his mouth passed. Kylo ran his hand over Poe’s dark curls. He nuzzled his nose in the thin trail of hair leading to Kylo’s dick softly kissing the flesh of his belly, Kylo’s erection pressed against Poe’s jaw.

Kylo gripped Poe’s triceps, his hands suddenly trembling.

“No,” he said. He pulled Poe up into his chest.

His mind swam with the sensation of being locked on his knees, unable to move. The taste of unwashed flesh pushed into his mouth, the texture of the hard dick pressing against his tongue. He felt the burn of humiliation as the load was sprayed down his throat, burning all the way into his belly or—possibly worse—spent across his skin like a brand he’d never quite wash off.

He saw Poe, forced down, trembling in pain, gagging as a cock was forced too far, too fast cutting off his air, passed back and forth like a toy. And he thought of all the men whose names and faces he didn’t know who had put Poe on his knees in alleyways and seedy hotels and bathrooms.

“It’s ok,” Poe said. He was softly running his hands up and down Kylo’s arms. Kylo felt his erection flagging. “It’s alright.”

Kylo let go of Poe’s arms and softly touched cheek.

“I don’t want to do that to you,” he said. “Use you like that.”

“Ok,” Poe said. “We won’t do that.” He rested his hands on Kylo’s waist and softly kissed his lips. “Stay right here, ok?”

Poe slipped out of the bed and ducked into Kylo’s refresher. He was back, slipping into the bed once more, before Kylo even had time to get insecure. He brought a small bottle of lotion with him.

Poe kissed Kylo softly, massaging his good shoulder. Kylo returned this kiss. He was more comfortable now that he and Poe were once again face-to-face, on the same level.

“You can trust me,” Poe whispered, pressing their foreheads together. Kylo gave a tiny nod. Poe warmed a small amount of lotion in his fingers before reaching between Kylo’s legs once more. He touched the place behind Kylo’s balls, before the swell of his ass rubbing it in soft but firm circles.

Kylo arched his body, gripping Poe’s shoulders. Kylo looked down in shock, his erection returning to its fullness almost instantly. Poe smiled, working Kylo for a few minutes more before sliding his hand forward to tease his balls and smooth the lotion over the length of his dick.

Kylo’s dick pressed up toward his belly, straining under Poe’s talented hands. Poe began to pump it. Kylo heard himself gasp. He grasped Poe’s forearm stilling the motion. Poe obeyed, kissing Kylo softly. Kylo knew Poe was giving him the control. And slowly he allowed it, jacking himself with Poe’s hand in long, even pulls, turning Poe’s hand over the head slightly on pass.

Kylo’s body tightened with a tension that was unfamiliar. He moaned, tucking his head to kiss Poe’s neck, softly searching out the sensitive spots the way Poe had done with him. He felt Poe shiver and make a small sound of pleasure that shot straight to his cock.

He felt himself getting close, his balls drawing up close to his body. He pulled Poe’s hand faster, Poe obliged tightening his grip ever so slightly as well.

_Snoke used the Force to light up every pleasure center of Kylo’s brain at once. The sensation was so intense it was excruciating. Kylo was too out of it to know if he screamed. He wanted to._

_Kylo came again. He had lost count now of how many times. The orgasm was dry, wretched._

_Snoke laughed. “Chastity vow, indeed, my apprentice.”_

“Kylo.” Poe’s voice was firm. “Look at me.” Kylo did. Poe was looking at him, direrct, unafraid.

“I’m not him,” Poe said. “Stay with me.”

Kylo did. He focused on the beautiful line of Poe’s jaw, the thrum of the pulse Kylo could just sense in his neck, the openness of Poe’s thoughts around him where there was no cruelty, no deceit. But mostly he focused on the feel of Poe’s hand around his cock, pumping him. The grip was strong, warm, sliding over Kylo with confidence and intent.

Kylo came.

****

Poe wiped Kylo’s spend on the sheet, using the same cloth to pat the man dry before tucking him back into his robes. He could feel Kylo staring at him. He smiled.

“Do you want me to… I could… return the favor.” Kylo’s ears burned. Poe felt his smile widen.

“No,” Poe said. “You don’t have to.” In fact, Poe’s own cock was pulsing for attention. The sounds Kylo had made and slow, almost cautious way Kylo had touched him had made him ache.

Poe rolled onto his stomach so Kylo wouldn’t notice. He didn’t want this to turn into a tit-for-tat exchange. It would cheapen it.

“I feel like I should,” Kylo said. He put one hand in the small of Poe’s back. Poe felt heat spreading out from the touch.

Poe took Kylo’s other hand, holding it in both of his. He pressed it to his cheek, shaking his head. “I did that for you because I wanted to,” he said. “I don’t need anything in return.”

Kylo nodded. To Poe’s relief, he seemed to understand.

Kylo rolled onto his stomach with a groan, stretching carefully. Poe sat up, considering Kylo’s injuries for the first time. He lifted the nape of Kylo’s robes to peer down his back, the wound now held together with butterfly bandages. There appeared to be no blood.

“I’m sorry,” Poe said. “I didn’t think.”

Kylo grinned and cocked an eyebrow. “I’m hardly so fragile, Commander,” he said.

Poe smiled and laid back. The pair lay side by side. Poe might have dozed a little, he couldn’t be sure.

The weight of Kylo’s gaze on his back eventually roused Poe. He was, Poe realized, studying the scars. He was shocked to find he didn’t mind.

He turned his head to look at Kylo. Kylo’s eyes were solemn.

“How did they never find out what happened?” Kylo asked. He touched a particularly vicious scar along Poe’s shoulder blade. “When they left, you were…”

Emotion choked off Kylo’s words. Poe rolled and took his hand softly.

“The only thing worse than living with what they did to me, was the idea of having everyone know about it,” Poe said. He felt tears gather in his eyes and made to wipe them angrily. Kylo stopped him.

“All of them clamoring for the details. Finding out what I… my only choices were to bite a blaster or to… to…”

Poe took a deep breath and started again. “The comm,” he said. “BB-8 was in my room. He came and overrode the lockdown so he could get into the hangar.” Kylo ran a hand over Poe’s hair.

“The little droid?” he asked.

Poe nodded. “My ship was right there, less than ten feet away,” he said. “I still don’t know how I got into the cockpit.” Poe sat up. He needed to see the room, to make sure he was actually safe.

Kylo mirrored his movements but didn’t touch him. Poe was grateful for that.

“BB-8 managed to sever the zip ties. And I… I…” Poe faltered over the words, gagging on the memory. “I pulled out the pipe. I probably should have left it because the pressure of it was stopping some of the bleeding but I wanted it out. I wanted it out.”

Kylo draped the blanket around Poe’s shoulders. Poe grabbed it and wrapped it around himself tightly, fighting the feeling of exposure. He gave Kylo a grateful look.

“You know, of all the things they did to me, it’s the feeling of that pipe that wakes me up at night,” Poe said. He closed his arms over his belly. “It was so deep and they just left it.” Poe shuddered. “It’s stupid, I know.”

Kylo was very still beside him. “It’s not stupid,” he said. The tenor of his voice made Poe look at him. Kylo gave him a humorless half-smile. “Snoke has a great predilection for toys.” Humiliation turned Kylo’s features to stone.

Poe felt his heart writhe. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t be talking about this.”

Kylo didn’t look at him. “No,” he said. “You can. I’m sorry I asked and brought up the memories.”

“No,” Poe said. He was surprised by the vehemence. “I don’t mind.” Kylo looked up at him.

“I’ve never gotten to say any of it out loud, you know?” Poe said. Kylo put his hand on Poe’s knee and Poe let his rest on top.

“BB-8 practically flew the ship by himself,” Poe said. “I don’t even remember the landing.” Kylo shook his head in amazement.

“It was some backwater planet, small, well out of system,” Poe said. “I landed in some family’s field. Scared the hell out of them I’m sure.”

Poe thought about that day, the way he’d fallen out of his X-wing into the freshly plowed soil. “They saved my life. They treated me and got me to the planet’s medics.” Poe’s eyes were distant. “They thought I was an escaped slave. I never corrected them.”

Kylo’s grip tightened on Poe’s knee. “Anyone could have found you,” he said. The fear is his voice made Poe feel guilty. “You’re lucky you didn’t end up in a slave pen for real.”

Poe shook his head. “I was too beat up. Real slavers would have just let me die.” Kylo huffed. That didn’t make him feel better, Poe realized.

“I had to risk a small planet,” Poe said. “I didn’t want the questions and invasion of a big Med Center. I survived, though with more advanced care I probably could have avoided some of these souvenirs.” Poe displayed the ugly scar carved into his wrist.

Kylo traced it softly with his thumb. The touch made Poe shiver.

“What did you tell the Resistance?” Kylo asked. “I don’t imagine they take kindly to their star pilots going AWOL with their ships.”

Poe shook his head. “After I got my head together, I contacted the general on the comm. I told I needed personal time to handle a family emergency—one that couldn’t wait. I told her to send another team of pilot’s to pick up the X-wing and BB-8.”

“And she believed you?” Kylo asked. Poe nodded.

“She had no reason not to,” he said.

Kylo stared across the room, considering that. “I suppose we all do crazy things for family,” he said.

A crazy, inappropriate laugh bubbled out of Poe and Kylo smiled.

“She gave me two months leave, retroactive to cover my disappearance,” Poe said. “She even let me keep the ship, as long as I promised to bring it back in one piece.”

Kylo was silent. Poe wondered if he was thinking about his mother. Maybe the time when he’d agree to speak to her was coming.

“And the other men who hurt you,” Kylo said. “Where are they?”

Poe chewed his split lip. He had known that, eventually, that question would come.

“They still work here on the base,” he said. Kylo shot to his feet, his face so twisted with anger it was barely recognizable. Poe rose also, letting the blanket slip to the floor.

Kylo was pacing, the rage swirling around him like a palpable entity. “They work here,” He demanded. “On this station.”

Poe nodded. “Uri is a garage mechanic. I think Almac works in some sort of clerical position.” The rage around Kylo only intensified.

“I rarely see them,” Poe said. “They’ve never acknowledged me or tried to hurt me again.”

Kylo growled. The air in the room grew stifled, the way it did when Kylo tried to draw against the Force suppressants. “Have you ever stopped looking over your shoulder?” Kylo said. “Waiting for the moment?”

“No,” Poe said. “But I won’t stop doing that after they’re gone either.”

That took the most extreme edge off Kylo’s anger. He glanced at Poe, his eyes almost human again. Poe risked approaching him. Kylo grabbed him and pulled him tightly against his chest.

“They don’t deserve to live,” Kylo said. Poe tried to stop himself from nodding but failed. He tried to pretend he hadn’t thought about killing them himself, and failed. Instead he just stood in Kylo’s arms until he felt the anger begin to ebb away.

“If they even look at you, I will break out of here and melt their minds to pudding,” Kylo said. But Poe could tell he was in control once more.

Poe placed a single kiss to his collarbone and stepped away.

“Can I ask you something now?” Poe said.

Kylo nodded.

“Your vow of chastity…” Poe made a gesture to the discarded sheet he had used to mop up.

Kylo gave him a crooked smile, dripping with wry amusement. “I’m hardly worried about that at this point,” he said.

Poe walked across the room, straightening things nervously. “But you’ve never been a willing participant with Snoke,” he said. “So it doesn’t really count.”

Kylo paused for a moment, considering that. He shrugged. “It felt like it did,” he said. “And it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m not a Jedi, and I’m not a Sith.” He paused, running his fingers through his hair. “And no matter what happens, I’ll never be a Jedi again.”

****

Poe hurried down the corridor toward Luke’s room. It was getting late enough to be rude to visit, but he needed answers. And, he thought with a small grin, he’d lost time going back to his room to fetch a shirt with the buttons still attached.

He rounded the corner just as Rey was shutting the door. She looked surprised, as if seeing him here caught her off guard. It probably did, Poe figured after a moment. He rarely visited this part of the base.

“Poe,” she said. “How is he?” Poe refused to shuffle his feet. There was no reason to feel guilty for going to see Kylo after the debriefing. The council had, after all, all but made Kylo his charge.

Though, he supposed, they would undoubtedly have a thing or two to say about how he handled that charge. For a split second he wondered if Rey would pick the true happenings out of his mind like Kylo might have, but the moment passed and she remained oblivious, as always.

“He’s healing,” Poe said. “Stronger. And he’s bored.”

A shadow passed over Rey’s face. “I’m not quite ready to celebrate a stronger Kylo Ren,” she said. Poe let that pass with a shrug. He couldn’t fairly blame her, after all.

The awkward moment lingered.

“What are you doing here?” Rey asked.

“Oh,” Poe said. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “I wanted to ask Luke some questions. He said I could.”

Rey nodded. “Do you want me to go in with you?” she asked.

“No,” Poe said. He felt it leave his mouth too quickly, too abruptly. “I mean, I don’t want to keep you.” Rey looked hurt but she nodded.

“Ok,” she said. She pushed past Poe down the corridor. “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Poe felt so guilty he almost called after her. But he needed to figure it out for himself, before he told the others.

He raised his hand to knock but before his hand fell Luke opened the door. “Come in, Commander Dameron,” Luke said. “I had wondered if I’d see you here again.”

Poe sat in the spindly desk chair once more, at Luke’s bidding, and Luke once again sat on the edge of his bed.

“What is it you have come here to ask?” Luke asked.

Poe felt the same uneasiness he had last time. He paused, nearly losing his nerve.

But there was no one else who could help him.

“Why did Kylo fall?” Poe asked.

Luke considered him for a long time, those blue eyes boring into Poe. Poe refused to look away.

“It is a complicated question that you ask,” Luke said finally. Poe waited, using the silence as a weapon.

“I can tell you only what I perceived after the fact,” Luke said. “For if I had realized it in the moment, surely I would have acted differently.”

Poe nodded. He realized, with a pang of guilt, Luke blamed himself for Ben’s fall. And undoubtedly for the loss of his students when Ben returned as Kylo with the Knights of Ren. Poe had not considered what painful memories these might be for Luke.

“As you no doubt know,” Luke said, “Kylo was gifted with the Force from a young age. And his talents make him… extraordinarily perceptive.”

Poe held up his hand, stopping Luke. He knew it was rude but he refused to lose any crucial detail in Jedi brevity. “You mean he could read minds,” Poe said.

Luke inclined his head slightly. “More or less. He is, at the very least, often very aware of how the people near him are feeling.”

Poe considered that. “You mean, it’s not like that for all of you?” He waved his hand. “I mean, for all people who have the Force?”

Luke sighed. He suddenly looked much older. “Not to the extent it is true for Ben,” he said. “The Force manifests differently through each that feels it. Ben’s is a heavy gift.”

Luke rose and went to the window, staring out into the night.

“To be the son of such famous, good parents would have been an onus for anyone,” Luke said. “But with Ben’s talent it was an albatross.”

Luke fell silent again. Poe stubbornly waited him out.

“He could feel people doubting him, envying him, questioning whether he was capable of living up to the legacy of his parents. It wounded his pride, made him angry.” Poe thought he could understand why. Luke turned to look at Poe over his shoulder. The light outside the window made a silhouette of his profile.

“And after his affinity for the Force became apparent, people’s doubts only grew,” Luke said. He turned to look out the window once more. “They asked whether he would be their savior, or their destruction. Every choice he made was weighed and judged to see if he had the same flawed streak as his grandfather.”

Luke shifted slightly, his robes rustling. Poe was holding his breath, afraid to do anything that would disturb the flow of words.

“It was a terrible, terrible burden to bear,” Luke said. His voice was softer, more distant. “Especially from his mother, his father.” Luke turned to look at Poe. “His uncle.”

Luke sat back on the bed, considering his artificial hand as if it might have shown him the answer before if he’d only looked. “The resentment built in Kylo, the fear that he would fail.” Luke looked up at Poe. “And eventually someone showed Ben a world where he didn’t have to be afraid of who he was, a place where his power would be embraced and celebrated.”

Poe sucked air between his teeth, trying not judge, trying not to join Kylo in his bitterness. It wouldn’t help. He took another deep breath. “You all did the best you could,” Poe said. And he believed it.

Luke gave him a said smile. “Perhaps we should not take comfort in that when the results were so damaging to so many,” he said.

Poe was struck once more by the honesty of the man in front of him. Luke laced his fingers, resting his elbows on his knees.

“But those are questions for the guilty to ponder,” he said. “Why do you ask of such dark times, young Dameron?”

Poe hesitated. But Luke had told him the truth, without trying to make it less ugly. “Kylo said today that, no matter what happens, he’ll never be a Jedi again.”

Luke considered Poe for a long moment. Poe fought the urge to squirm in his chair like a guilty child.

“No,” Luke said. “I don’t suppose he will be.”

Poe’s heart broke. He thought he had prepared himself for that answer but it took every ounce of his self-control to restrain the tears.

Luke stood and put a sympathetic hand on Poe’s shoulder. Poe looked up at him, trying to stitch together a mask of neutrality. Luke stared down at him, his blue eyes piercing and severe as if he were trying to transmit something very important to Poe.

“But that doesn’t mean he can’t return to the light.”


	10. Chapter 10

The door hissed open, breaking into Kylo’s meditation. He opened his eyes but did not move. It was too soon for Poe to have returned from his mission. Then the touch reached him through the Force. Not Poe. The scavenger.

 _“Rey_ ,” Poe’s voice chided in his head.

She stepped into the room, flanked by a veritable retinue of soldiers. Kylo felt her steps falter as the Force suppressants drained her. He smirked.

Rey’s lightsaber burned to life over Kylo’s shoulder, the heat nearly searing the flesh of Kylo’s throat. He gave her no reaction.

“Did you bring them here?”

Kylo turned his head just enough to look at her out of the extreme corner of his eye. She was breathing hard, her hands shook and she looked unsettled.

Not very comforting for someone holding a lightsaber against your neck, Kylo thought.

He said nothing.

Rey inched the blade a fraction closer to Kylo’s throat. He could feel the skin peel away but refused to squirm

“The First Order is attacking,” Rey said. “I’m not going to let you return to power.”

Kylo wondered if she had the courage for an outright execution here on the spot. He was concerned he didn’t have more of a response to the prospect; his heartbeat barely gave a noticeable spike.

When had he accepted that he would die on his knees? Kylo closed his eyes.

The feeling of cold steel pressing against his throat was one Kylo was used to. Though, perhaps ironically considering his previous train of thought, not one he found he was willing to accept. The click of the latch made Kylo’s eyes fly open as he realized the reality of the situation. His hands flew to his throat to pull away the thin metallic ring but, of course, it never worked like that.

Rage boiled through Kylo. He surged to his feet, grabbing for Rey and missing. On an automated response he reached for the Force, ready to destroy anything he could touch.

Agony burned down Kylo’s spine. He fell back to his knees. The Force, he realized was no longer being suppressed by the energy of the room; it was gone. He had become a hole in the Force.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said. He heard the words but was unable to process their meaning. He touched the collar again, this time feeling the quiet thrum of energy. Fear, visceral and overwhelming, seized Kylo.

He interpreted it as anger.

Kylo flew back to his feet, lunging for the girl. She stumbled in surprise; his fingers closed around her throat. He didn’t the need the Force. He didn’t need his lightsaber. He was Kylo Ren.

The men accompanying Rey fell on Kylo. Heavy blows rained down on Kylo, cracking his ribs, splitting open his eyebrow. He took the barrel of a blaster across his still-healing back once, twice. The pain made nausea well up in his guts. Involuntarily, Kylo reached for the Force to shield his mind from the pain and touched the gaping black hole once more.

The pain was wretched. Kylo pitched sideways, nearly blacking out. Rey swept her legs, breaking free and flipping Kylo easily. Before Kylo could even get his eyes to focus they had fastened restraints around his wrists and were hauling him to his feet.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said again. Her face almost looked contrite but that did nothing to thaw the reservoir of hatred building in Kylo.

He growled struggled against the soldiers who held him. More blows fell until Kylo sagged to his knees. Rey held up her hand. “Let’s go,” she said. “We don’t have time to waste.”

The soldiers dug their blaster barrels deep into Kylo’s sore ribs and half dragged him from the room. Rey led the way, her lightsaber in hand. Once they were outside the cell, the pressure bludgeoning Kylo lessened enough he could draw breath. Without the double effect of the collar and the cell, the Force no longer felt like void, but the strands were like gossamer, and the efforts of touching them like holding his hand over an open flame. Kylo’s stumbled with the effort.

One of his guards swore, kicking out at him. Rey stopped him with another wave of her hand. “We need to hurry,” she said. “Something is wrong.”

This unnerved the soldiers. They gripped Kylo more tightly and moved after Rey with a quick pace. They had nearly reached the building’s exit when the guards collapsed, one after another, dragging Kylo with them. On instinct, Kylo rolled away, coming to his feet against the hallway.

Silhouetted in the intersection, hand outstretched, was a man Kylo knew very well. Auvas Dol was second in command of the Knights of Ren. Though, Kylo realized, he seemed to be enjoying a promotion. That would have stop. The wicked two-bladed lightsaber he was known for hung in his hand now, though he had shortened it to a single to maneuver more easily in the narrow corridors of the station.

“There she is,” Dol said, his voice modulating out from his helmet. “I have come a long way in search of you.” He seemed to notice Kylo almost as an afterthought, and with surprise.

“And Master Ren,” he said. Kylo did not think his sounded pleased. “Supreme Leader Snoke said you were still alive. He is eager for your return.”

Kylo made sure he gave no outward indication of the way his stomach heaved and the weakness he suddenly felt in his legs. He schooled his features into a mask, wishing for the bleak anonymity of his helmet. He had no chance to respond before Rey let out a bellow and charged.

Her form had improved somewhat since Kylo had dueled her on the Starkiller base but it was still in its early stages; she telegraphed every move as she was about to make it. Kylo felt a grim burn of satisfaction when Auvas Dol tagged her on shoulder in the first few seconds of combat. The scavenger had been lucky. Now, for the first time, she was facing an armed, whole threat. Her luck was about to run out.

Rey, however, managed to learn from her mistake. She dueled Dol better than Kylo guessed she was capable. He knew for a fact Auvas Dol was one of the best lightsaber combatants in the galaxy. But Rey stood strong, even striking Dol across the hand when he got too aggressive in his stance.

Lightsabers crashed together once more. The pair struggled, Rey’s blade on top as she pressed down into Auvas Dol. Kylo watched as she leaned further, pressing what she saw as an advantage. Dol gave away, just a few inches, and activated the bottom blade of his lightsaber, digging it into Rey’s knee. Rey collapsed to the ground, just managing to deactivate her lightsaber before it fell on top of her.

She struggled to regain her feet but the wounded leg wouldn’t take her weight. Dol brandished his lightsaber over Rey.

“That was easier than I ever could have imagined,” he said, taunting her. “Why the Supreme Leader desires you so I have no idea.” Kylo couldn’t repress a small shudder at that but Rey and Dol were too focused on each other to notice.

Kylo knew he could do nothing to protect her if they returned like this. He balled his hands into fists. Though she was hardly the one that would need protecting.

“And you.” Dol turned to Kylo now. “Following after her like a castrated puppy. I’m sure the Supreme Leader will be very interested in hearing this report.”

Dol didn’t know what he threatened Kylo with, not really. However that didn’t stop rage from blinding Kylo. He had put Dol in his place before. His hands ached for his lightsaber. He would thoroughly enjoy doing so again.

The pain of the collar nearly knocked Kylo to the floor. He had unconsciously reached for the Force to strike at Dol. He gripped his hands against the wall, trying to steady himself. Dol turned to him in interest, noticing the thin collar at Kylo’s throat for the first time.

He laughed, a thin, raspy sound through the modulator. “She has castrated you indeed.” A small shudder ran over Dol. Kylo couldn’t tell if it was in horror at the thought or in anticipation of the many ways he could exploit it. Dol turned back to Rey.

“You are clever,” Dol said. He reached his hand toward Rey’s cheek. “It’s a pity you were requested unspoiled.” Rey growled, reaching for her lightsaber once more. Dol struck her sharply across the face, sinking the bottom blade of his lightsaber into her shoulder, making Rey scream. He ripped the lightsaber from her hand and tucked it into his belt.

Kylo pulled all his emotions around him more tightly, trying to deny the sickness of repulsion and fear creeping through his veins.

Dol dragged the tip of his blade along the thigh of Rey’s previously uninjured leg. “Let’s not get heroic now,” he said. “This is just the beginning, after all.”

The girl was now unarmed, with a plasma burn to each limb. Kylo closed his eyes. The options were very few now.

“Rey!” As if on cue, the Stormtrooper made his appearance.

 _Ever her champion_ , Kylo thought. _The fool._

There was no hesitation from FN-2187.

 _Finn_ , Poe’s voice corrected again in Kylo’s mind. Kylo twitched his head in annoyance.

Finn had his blaster rifle pulled ready into his shoulder, years of Stormtrooper conditioning still guiding his movements. He released a volley of six shots down the hallway in two separate bursts, closing the distance as he fired.

One of the bolts hit its mark, catching Auvas Dol in the meat of the arm. Kylo could smell the scorched flesh, though Dol was far from critically injured. The others he blocked away with a whirl of his lightsaber. Most slammed against the sheet metal hallways, burning out with angry scorches but one sailed neatly back, striking Finn in the torso. The Stormtrooper collapsed with a grunt, holding his belly.

Another careened toward the floor and Rey’s prone body.

Without thinking, without decision, Kylo shoved it off course with the Force. He had meant to send it whipping around, rebounding for Dol once more but the trajectory barely shifted. It was enough to slam into the ground inches from Rey’s chest.

The effort collapsed Kylo to the ground beside her, panting, trying to clear spots of pain from his vision. He could feel Rey looking at him in shock. He didn’t look back. He had no answer.

Dol growled in rage, stocking toward Rey once more, brandishing in lightsaber in his hand.

“Well,” Dol said. “That was fun.” Kylo felt Rey’s heart spark in fear, though the reading felt as if it came from across the planet and made him shake with pain. He rolled himself to his knees. He was aware of Rey scrabbling next him, her injured arms clumsy and unsure. Suddenly, Kylo’s wrists were free and Rey pulled away the restraints.

Dol stood over them, lightsaber raised to strike down at the girl. Rey’s hands were fumbling at Kylo’s neck, trying to release the collar, failing at the tiny clasp that seemed, to Kylo at least, to have a will of its own. There was no time.

Kylo pushed to his feet, grabbing Dol’s wrist turning the strike aside. He heard Rey gasp as the blade dug into the floor beside her. She rolled away, grunting in pain.

“Ren,” Dol said. “What are you doing?” The two men struggled for control, the treacherous double blade pinned between their bodies.

Kylo’s injuries sapped at his strength. His broken shoulder screamed, not ready for this type of use. He consciously fought the impulse to reach for the Force; with the collar still around his throat, to touch that place too deeply now would be his death.

Sweat broke out on Kylo’s forehead. He used his height and size to every advantage he could, leaning over Dol, their eyes boring together through the barrier of the mask.

The impression hurt, making Kylo shake and his vision tunnel but he let it come.

“You thought I was dead,” Kylo said. His voice was wretched and hoarse. “And you were the best in the world.” He dropped his eyes struggling to hold Dol off.

“But now you never will be.” He let go of the hilt with on hand, the advantage immediately going to Dol. The blade turned in, carving into the flesh above Kylo’s hip.

But it was only for an instant.

Kylo grasped at Dol’s hip, powering on his grandfather’s lightsaber where Dol had so arrogantly hung it. The blade speared clean through Dol. Kylo wrenched it up, just to be sure. And, without sound, the man sank to the floor, dead.

Kylo collapsed to his knees, breathing heavily. He held both lightsabers now, one in each hand. He tucked Dol’s into the belt of his robe, aware of the folly considering how he had just gutted the man. The other he gripped tightly to his chest. Darth Vader’s lightsaber.

At last.

He turned to the girl. She had almost managed to prop herself up against the wall but her body was slouched too far down to be anything but painful. Kylo moved toward her.

“Take it off,” he said.

Fear flickered on Rey’s face, and uncertainty. Kylo knelt over her. She didn’t move.

Anger drove Kylo to his feet. He towered over Rey, the flicker of fear solidifying her features into a mask. She couldn’t keep her eyes from drifting to the lightsaber in Kylo’s hand—the one she thought of as her own.

“Take it off,” Kylo said again. He heard movement behind him and turned, stomping on the Stormtroopers hand before he could bring the blaster rifle to bear once more. Kylo felt his fingers, still tangled in the trigger, break. The man made a small choking noise.

Rey whined in protest. Kylo let the lightsaber flare to life in his hand, hanging ominously above the Stormtrooper.

Kylo gripped the hilt, forcing his hand not to shake. The adrenaline of the previous moment was wearing off. The pain and exhaustion was beginning to sink back in.

“Don’t hurt him,” Rey said. Her voice was thin. “We can talk about this.”

Anger swelled in Kylo. Time was not on his side. Any second more Resistance troops could show up as reinforcement.

He would not be at their mercy.

“There is nothing to talk about,” he said. The anger built inside him making his hand tremble despite his efforts. The expression on Rey’s face told him that she could feel it too. “Until you take it off.”

Rey shook her head, her face set stubbornly. “I can’t do that. I can’t endanger the entire base.”

The ring of the collar seemed to grow tighter. Kylo could feel the hysteria and panic boiling inside him. He let the blade slip, burning into the Stormtrooper’s shoulder. The man screamed.

 

“TAKE IT OFF,” Kylo said.

Tears ran down the girl’s face. The moment seemed to stretch infinitely, the three of them locked in a merciless stalemate. Kylo twisted the blade deeper, making the man scream again. Rey covered her ears.

“Kylo.”

Kylo withdrew the blade, swaying slightly on his feet. In the same intersection that had silhouetted Duvas Dol minutes before—could that be right?—stood Poe.

****

Poe almost wished he had never come across the scene. The three people he cared about more than any others in all the galaxy, poised to rip each other apart, Kylo at its crown, anger and cruelty wrapped around him like a cowl.

What was he supposed to do?

Poe moved closer. “Kylo, stop,” he said. “You don’t have to do this.” There was blood coating one side of Kylo’s face making him seem even darker than usual. Poe could tell from the way he held himself, his posture, he was nearing the limits of his endurance. But, Poe reminded himself, Kylo was standing while his friends were collapsed on the floor.

“Poe, don’t,” Finn said. The pain in Finn’s voice twisted in Poe’s gut like guilt. “Don’t come any closer. You’ll just be another hostage.”

Poe stopped. The burn of betrayal was starting to make him feel sick. How could he have been so foolish?

Kylo let the lightsaber go dark, his shoulders sagging as he looked at Poe for the first time. POe could see the nightmare in his eyes. “They’re not my hostages,” he said. “I just want her to take it off.”

He tilted his chin, showing Poe the small gleam of silver at his throat.

The tide of betrayal changed sides in Poe’s mind. He closed on the group, stepping over bodies to put himself in the center of the conflict.

“Take it off, Rey,” he said. He was surprised at how even his voice sounded, how he could almost pass for a well-reasoned human being.

“Poe—“

“Do it, Rey,” Poe said. Poe could see the fear and humiliation bubbling under the mask of Kylo’s control, seizing up and making him shake with anger. Poe put a gentle hand on Kylo’s hip.

He looked at Rey. She was looking from Poe’s hand to Poe, her mouth slightly open in surprise. Poe jerked his hand away, realizing what he’d done. It was red with blood.

Poe’s heart was hammering in his chest. There were too many things happening at once.

“Now Rey,” he said.

Rey looked away from him. Her face was an ugly mess of emotion Poe didn’t dare guess at. Bring himself to look at Finn. Rey kicked off one of her boots.

The key tumbled out. Rey wouldn’t look at Poe as he picked it up.

Poe bit his lip, ignoring her right back, and turned to Kylo. The man had gone still, almost too still to seem human. “It’s ok,” Poe whispered. “I’m going to take it off.”

The collar left an ugly black ring around Kylo’s throat as Poe peeled it away. He let the collar drop to the ground. He felt the full power of the Force come whistling back to Kylo like the wind in hurricane. Kylo’s cheekbones stood out stark against his skin and he took a breath like he was going to inhale all the oxygen in the hallway. Just being near it made Poe feel rubbed raw, exposed.

Poe pressed himself against Kylo’s chest, forcing Kylo to put his arms around him. “Don’t,” Poe whispered. “Please don’t hurt them. You don’t have to.”

With the return of the Force came the full rush of Kylo’s anger, unrestrained for the first time in two months. The amount of power coursing through Kylo was so intense it was painful for Poe just to be so near to it. He couldn’t imagine how Kylo was containing it all. Kylo’s body was tense and rigid against Poe’s. Poe was reminded of lightning rods on ships to absorb the power from atmospheric storms.

“Kylo, please,” Poe said. “Please you don’t have to hurt them.”

“They know,” Kylo said, whispering in Poe’s ear. The sound of his voice was different now, the timbre smoother, more confident than it ever had been in his cell. “They saw the way you touched me.”

Kylo pulled Poe close, protecting him, protecting his secrets. “I have to kill them or everyone will know.”

Poe balled his hands into the front of Kylo’s robes, burying his face in Kylo’s chest. “I’d rather have them alive,” Poe said. He was glad to hear the words come out of his mouth. He knew—knew—he could never live with himself if he said anything else. But Kylo’s anger was so present, so all-consuming. Poe could feel it touch something dark inside him that he fought to suppress, and all the fear in his heart threatened to rebel against him.

Poe heard the deafening crackle of Force lightening and he squeezed his eyes shut, tears leaking down his face. He was sure his friends had just been killed. The smell of ozone burned but when the crackle stopped, he heard the exclamations of his friends, panicked but unharmed.

Poe turned. A scorch mark ruined several feet of tile. The collar lay at the end, twisted and black. Kylo sagged in Poe’s arms and Poe sank to the floor with him. “Thank you,” he said.

“I’m going to get the medical supplies from Kylo’s cell and see what I can do to patch you all up,” Poe said. He stood. “I’ll only be gone a minute.” He looked at each of the injured pointedly. Finn nodded. Rey and Kylo just stared at the floor.

Poe returned with the kit, stopping short of his friends, vacillating. He felt like every choice he made would be read as a statement of allegiance.

“Help the girl,” Kylo said. His color was already better as he used the Force to seal off the pain. “If she wants to keep that leg she needs to get to a medic.”

Rey looked for a moment like she would tell Poe not to touch her but in the end the pain won out. She let Poe peel back her leggings and look at the knee where Auvas Dol had stabbed her. Kylo had been right; the joint was in bad shape.

Poe cleaned the wound out and slathered it with bacta. “You have a lot to explain, Commander,” she said. Poe felt everyone watching him with heavy stares. He unrolled the bandages and began covering the wound.

“I don’t think now is the time,” he said. Rey gritted her teeth and gripped his shoulder in pain.

“I think now is the only time,” she said. “You have abandoned your duty. You should be with your pilots.”

Poe felt like she’d kicked him in the stomach. He made a makeshift splint to stop anything in the knee from shifting, binding it in place with more bandages. “I was,” he said. “Thank God I decided I couldn’t trust anyone else to see to Kylo’s safety.” It was Rey’s turn to look like she’d been slapped. Poe turned to Finn.

To Poe’s relief, he didn’t think the lightsaber gouge on Finn’s shoulder would have a lasting effect of mobility or strength. The blaster wound on his belly was another story. Sweat was running down Finn’s face and he had one hand pressed into the wound slow the bleeding. He groaned when Poe peeled his fingers away to look at the wound.

Finn caught Poe’s arm with one of his huge, bloody hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Poe pulled his hand away so he could continue his work. “You’re a soldier, Finn,” he said. He refused to look at the man. “You know why.” Poe was winding bandages before Finn thought of an answer.

“You know I wouldn’t have cared, man,” he said. There was hurt in his voice. Poe snorted, knowing it came across as cruel.

“I know you wouldn’t have, Finn,” he said. He looked at the broken hand, deciding to leave it for a professional. “But can you look me in the eye right now and tell me you wouldn’t have told General Organa?”

Finn started to protest but Poe held up his hand to silence him. “What about after I started spending ‘too much’ time with Kylo and you all thought he was brainwashing me? If you had known—if you had even suspected—wouldn’t you have told her?”

Now Finn couldn’t meet Poe’s eye. Poe clapped him on the good shoulder. “It’s ok, man,” he said. “It’s just the way things are.”

Finn caught Poe’s elbow as he turned to move on. “Well, I’m going to listen before I make any decisions now,” he said. He shot a look at Rey. “We both will.” Rey looked like she wanted to argue but she stayed silent. Poe guessed she just didn’t have the energy.

He gave Finn a smile.

He dragged the bag to Kylo, kneeling beside him. “I can wait,” Kylo said. “We should get your friends to the MedCenter.”

“No,” Poe said. He looked into Kylo’s eyes, making sure his mind was focused on the one thing he wanted. “Show me.”

Kylo sighed and looked away. Poe thought he would refuse but, finally, he turned back, showing Poe the last hour in flashes of memory: the collar closing around his throat, the beating from the soldiers, the fight with Auvas Dol and the way Kylo had killed him in the end before turning on Finn and Rey, and the persistent crushing darkness that still threatened to drown him.

Poe blinked. He could feel Rey and Finn staring. He wondered vaguely what it had looked like from the outside.

“Did I tell the truth, Scavenger?” Kylo said. Poe realized Rey had been eavesdropping on the connection. She colored slightly and looked away, ashamed.

“That’s what happened,” she said.

“Hey,” Poe said, touching Kylo’s hand softly. “Her name is Rey.” Kylo gritted his teeth but nodded.

Poe helped Kylo slide out of his robes. He couldn’t suppress the dirty look he shot at Rey as he counted Kylo’s broken ribs. He bandaged Kylo as he had the others and sat back, considering his options.

“I need to get you all to the Med Center,” Poe said. “I might have to go find help. I could maybe carry Rey but…” He gestured to the obvious size of Kylo and Finn. Kylo drew a deep breath and stood.

“I can walk,” he said. Envy crossed Rey’s face.

“What are you going to do? Leave Finn and I here alone unarmed and barely conscious,” she said. Poe bit back a nasty retort when he saw the fear shining on her face.

“Would you feel safer if I stayed to protect you?” Kylo said. There was a rumble of dark amusement in his voice. Poe nudged him with his foot.

Rey opened and closed her mouth like a fish. She glared when she couldn’t come up with a scathing response.

Kylo sighed. He looked at the lightsaber still clutched in his hand. He bounced it on his palm, turning his wrist as if testing the balance of the unarmed blade. He looked from the lightsaber to Poe, his dark eyes heavy.

Poe cocked his head, watching.

Slowly Kylo stepped toward Rey. Rey tensed, fear nearly immobilizing her as Kylo stood over her.

Kylo stopped, turning the hilt once more hesitating like a man on the edge of a dive that would surely kill him.

He offered the handle to Rey.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry about the long delay before this chapter. Real life intervened and, simultaneously, I couldn't get Kylo to behave the way I wanted him too. All the trouble was had in this chapter.
> 
> That being said, I think it came out ok. We'll see how I feel in the morning. I'm aware this chapter is a little short. There was meant to be some more events here but I thought I would update to reassure you that this fic is in no way forgotten or abandoned. I have a good bit of the next chapter written already so the next update should be much quicker.
> 
> Hope you're all well.

There were three times the usual number of guards and soldiers in the council meeting. Poe wondered what the point was. If Kylo decided to turn on them, more blaster fire would only mean more chance for friendly fire casualties.

But, for his part, Kylo was sitting quietly. He almost looked bored but Poe could feel the tension and nervousness roiling about him in a quiet storm. He touched Kylo’s thigh softly. Rey noticed and scowled. Poe ignored her, and tried to ignore the sickness turning over in his stomach.

He and Kylo had been sat at the end of the table where the rest of the room could stare down at them, like they were on trial. Which, Poe reminded himself, they probably were. Poe knew he should be listening with the rapt attention of a condemned man but fear made him too stupid to focus. Exhaustion had crept into his joints and he wanted nothing more than be alone with Kylo.

“By all accounts,” General Organa said, “Without your actions, both Rey and Finn would have been captured or killed. For that, we owe you our thanks, Ben.”

“That is not my name.”

They were the first words Kylo had spoken since entering the room. Everyone inhaled as if on cue, eyes flashing back and forth between Kylo and General Organa. General Organa stared at her son for a long moment, a profound sadness just creeping into the corners of her eyes. Poe squeezed Kylo’s leg slightly. There was a defiant tilt to Kylo’s chin.

“Of course,” the general said finally. “My apologies… Kylo.” Kylo nodded in acknowledgment.

The general was shaken in a way Poe had never seen before. She floundered, searching for what to say next. Years of experience told Poe to jump to her aid but he clubbed down the impulse.

Something told him the less the council heard from him right now, the better.

“Commander Dameron tells us that you might be willing to aid us in the defeat of Supreme Leader Snoke,” General Organa said finally. “Is that true?”

Kylo’s lip curled back in a snarl. “I intend to kill the Supreme Leader,” Kylo said. “If that advances your cause so be it.”

General Organa studied Kylo. “Why the sudden thirst for betrayal?”

“I’m sure you’ll remember I have no qualms about betrayal.”

The tension in the room ratcheted to a critical level. Poe abandoned caution and slipped his hand into Kylo’s. Kylo gripped his fingers until they went numb.

“I have intended on Snoke’s death for many years now,” he said. “Only my strategy has changed.”

Muttering broke out in the room.

“You want this council to believe that you—Kylo Ren—have been plotting to kill your master,” Lieutenant Ematt said.

Turned his gaze to Ematt. The lieutenant failed to meet the stare, his eyes falling to his lap. Poe found himself battling a smile.

“The First Order continues to spread because its leaders are continually tested and found worthy,” Kylo said. “Perhaps the Resistance would have more success if they adapted a similar policy.”

The color drained from Ematt’s face. “Are you threatening me?” he demanded. “You are only alive because of the good will of this council.”

Poe felt as if the temperature of the room cooled several degrees. He gripped Kylo’s hand tighter feeling as if he were trying to hold back a hurricane.

“My apologies,” Kylo said. His voice was deathly soft. He tipped his head, sliding his robes open to show the ugly black burn the collar had left on his throat. “That certainly means you own me.”

The general cleared her throat, pulling all the eyes in the room back to her. Except Kylo’s, Poe realized. Kylo continued to stare at Ematt, his eyes cold with distrust and anger. Poe’s hand ached from the strength with which Kylo held it.

“If we were to… ah…” The general gripped the edge of the table and started over. “If we choose to launch a joint assault on Snoke, how would you recommend proceeding?”

Kylo finally dragged his eyes from Ematt.

“I wouldn’t,” he said. “Not yet.” He motioned lazily to Rey. “She needs more training, more actual combat training with an opponent unafraid to push her. Snoke would break her in an instant as she is.”

A hum burst out in the room once more. Poe couldn’t decide if the tone was anger or concern.

“She withstood you just fine.” There was no mistaking the emotion of Finn’s voice. His eyes burned with a fury Poe had never seen in the man before.

Kylo turned languidly to Finn. His nonchalant manner betrayed by the rush of pride and anger Poe felt nearly consume him.

“There were mitigating circumstance on that occasion,” Kylo said. His voice was stiff, overly controlled. "I am not the Supreme Leader. And I doubt he will show her the same mercy.”

“MERCY?!” Finn shot to his feet. “Mercy? Is that what you call it?”

The room was filled with the sound of blaster rifles being pulled to ready position. Kylo sat still, anger seeping off him like poison. He met Finn’s eye without flinching. “Yes.”

Finn growled. “I know all about First Order mercy,” he said. “We don’t want any of that here.” An unpleasant smile twisted Kylo’s face. Finn gripped the edge of the table so tightly Poe imagined he could hear it creaking. Neither man blinked, a cold stalemate stretching between them.

Rey’s small hand appeared on Finn’s bulging bicep. “He’s right, Finn,” she said. She couldn’t meet anyone’s eye. “I think I need his help.” Kylo looked at Poe out of the corner of his eye. Poe wondered what he could sense from Rey’s thoughts.

“Master Luke,” Ematt said, shattering the silence that had fallen across the room. “Surely you will now speak against this folly. You can’t allow your student to fall under the spell of this tyrant.” Kylo snorted.

“You are obviously the most fit teacher for Rey,” Ematt said.

Luke was the only person in attendance who had said less than Poe. He had resolved himself to watch, a grim specter at his sister’s hand. He looked now like wished he had refused to attend at all.

Kylo shifted in his seat, drawing Poe’s attention back. For the first time, he looked unsettled, nervous. Poe ran his thumb across Kylo’s scarred knuckles.

“Perhaps we should look at Kylo as evidence that I am an imperfect teacher,” Luke said. He steepled his fingers. “Maybe his presence will serve to remind us all how easy it is to fall.”

“Or perhaps his influence will corrupt us all until we fly his black banner in these halls,” Ematt said. His face was ruddy with anger.

Poe straightened. He knew who had given Rey the collar when the attack launched. The memory of Ematt speaking, so self-assured, so matter-of-fact, about subjugating Kylo was too intense for sanity.

“Maybe the line isn’t as thick as we always wanted to believe,” Poe said.

Ematt turned and looked pointedly at Poe and Kylo’s interlocked hands. “You really think you have grounds to lecture me about morality?”

Kylo moved to withdraw his hand but Poe tightened his grip, ignoring the clamor of cold dread that spread through him.

“Caluan!” It was sharp warning from the general. Ematt backed away with a disgusted sneer.

Luke sighed.

“I have done my best to teach train Rey in the ways of the Force,” Luke said. “However, you require more from her than the simple poise of a Jedi.” Luke looked at his apprentice, concern and pain clearly written on his face. Rey looked back at him with complete trust.

“You need her to be a soldier, to lead troops into battle and fight alongside them. You need a general trained in the Force.” Luke’s eyes flickered to his sister. “Perhaps Kylo knows more about this than I.”

The general’s expression was unreadable. She held her head high, an image of strength and stability. Yet Poe couldn’t shake the notion that she was only a step from total collapse.

“Very well,” the general said. “If Rey is willing, she may begin training with Kylo as soon as she had healed.”

Rey and Kylo exchanged a stiff nod. “Sooner would be better,” Kylo said. “Pain is a distraction you will have to use as a focus.”

Rey looked a little green at that but set her mouth in a determined line, nodding again.

“Absolutely not,” General Organa said. “I do not know what training tactics you employed while training the Knights of Ren but you will not exploit her injuries now.” The general was pale and visibly shaken. “It pains me to consider what methods Snoke used to train you all these years but I will not allow such madness to continue here.”

Poe used his thumb to rub circles in the back of Kylo’s hand. The insinuation that Kylo would hurt Rey the way Snoke hurt him made the bile rise in Poe’s throat. He choked it down, forcing himself to remember that the general didn’t know. Not really.

Kylo’s face remained impassive, his features perfectly controlled. He shrugged. “As you wish,” he said.

“Join us for meditation at least,” Rey said. She leaned toward Kylo, her face earnest. “Every morning at sunrise.” Kylo considered her for a long moment before nodding.

Rey leaned back in her chair with a sigh, the movement tipping her crutches over. Finn stopped them with a smooth one-handed grab. He leaned closer to Rey, whispering. Rey shot a glance and Poe before nodding.

Poe looked away, trying to force the wretchedness inside him back to a dull roar. He clung to Kylo’s hand, for his own sake now.

“So that’s it?” Ematt said. “One good deed erases years of massacre and you’re one big happy family again?”

The general rose to her feet, color gracing her cheekbones. “You are out of line, Lieuntenant,” she warned.

Ematt rose to match her. “You are blinded by maternal instinct, General,” he said. There was a profound stillness in the room. “How can we even be sure the entire attack was not orchestrated by Kylo Ren?”

“If that were the case why would he remain behind?” Finn asked. He shook his head.

“Perhaps to gain our trust and be granted freedom to roam the base?” Ematt said. He arched his eyebrows, looking around the room as if they were a particularly slow bunch of children. The small woman, ever his shadow, nodded.

“How would he have contacted the First Order? He’s been cut off from everything for months.” Kylo squeezed Poe’s leg in warning a beat too late to silence him. Ematt gave him a cunning smile. Poe felt nauseous. He had played right into the Lieutenant’s hand.

“I should think the answer to that question would be obvious,” Ematt said.

Kylo stiffened. “You fail to insight these people to lynch me so you would go after Commander Dameron instead,” Kylo said. “I was wrong. Perhaps you would do well in the First Order.”

Ematt made a show of sinking back into his chair. “What I do, I do for the good of people across the galaxy,” he said. “And to remind the general that she has other responsibilities to address, _lest she forget._ ”

Poe realized that suddenly no one in the room would meet his eye. He tried to draw on Kylo’s example, to remain stoic and proud, but his hands shook. He fumbled the rank pin from his lapel.

“I guess you’ll be asking for this back then,” he said. Poe’s voice shook nearly as much as his hands. He slid the pin the length of the table. General Organa caught it neatly, still refusing to look at Poe.

“I am sorry, Com—“ She stopped, tugging her shirtsleeves. “I’m sorry, Poe.” Kylo looked from Poe to his mother, rage steadily building in his eyes.

“No,” he said. He slammed his hand on the table. Several people flinched back. “You can’t do this.”

“Mr. Ren you will restrain yourself,” Ematt said. Kylo snarled. The look would have quailed braver men than Ematt.

Kylo stabbed his finger toward the Lieutenant. “Did you actually use the word faggot when you were arguing for his expulsion from the Corp? Or is that something you save for close friends?” Ematt sputtered angrily but Kylo talked over him “You’re the one who is disgusting. You are a bigot, like thousands before you.” He swung his finger to another officer.

“You are too scared to admit that maybe you’d like the pretty commander in your bed. How many times have you thought about it since you heard the briefing?” The accused man protested, color rising on his cheeks. Kylo ignored him also. He turned to the woman at Ematt’s side.

“And you… you don’t believe in half the things he says.” Kylo’s eyes could have burned a hole through Ematt. “But you think he’s the future, that he’s headed to the top of whatever comes out of this Resistance. And you are desperate to ride his coattails even though you can barely live with yourself anymore.”

Poe wrapped a hand around Kylo’s arm. “Kylo, it’s OK,” he whispered. “Please.”

Kylo swung his finger toward his mother. “But you—Not even _I_ thought that you would do something like this. And my expectations are exceedingly low.”

Poe had never seen the general cry before but when she looked up there were tears on her cheeks. “If it were just a question of his being gay I’d fight for him,” she said. Her voice lacked all of its usual conviction and authority. “But things being what they are,” she gestured vaguely to Poe and Kylo, “I can’t ask everyone to overlook it.”

Poe felt himself crumbling but he shook it off. He couldn’t fall apart. Kylo’s anger was spiraling upward and Poe couldn’t lose him. Not now.

“He purposefully and deliberately deceived this council for years,” Ematt said. “And now he’s bedding down with you. He should be tried with treason.”

Poe forced his hand into Kylo’s, intertwining their fingers. “It’s ok,” he said. He pulled on Kylo’s arm with his other hand until the man looked at him. “It’s ok. I always knew it would come out eventually. And I knew when it did, I would lose my command.”

Kylo rested his forehead against Poe’s. There was some uncomfortable shuffling but Poe blocked it out, letting the warmth of Kylo’s skin sink into him. “It’s ok,” he repeated. “I don’t need the command. As long as I can still fly.”

“General,” Ematt said.

Poe pulled away from Kylo to look at the general. Her face was drawn, full of shame. “Actually Poe I was hoping you would accept a position as one of my permanent advisers here at the base. Your expertise could prove invaluable. It could even be seen as a promotion over your previous station.”

Poe tried to force his brain to work but he couldn’t get anything to balance. “But that would mean never flying missions again.”

The general stared into her lap once more. “That is correct.”

Poe sat staring dumbly at the general, his mouth slightly open. “General please,” he said. “I am a good pilot. I should be out there where I am of use.”

Poe felt tears burning his eyes. He blinked them away furiously. “You are the best pilot the Resistance has, Poe,” the general said softly. “Perhaps the best I have ever met.”

“Then why?” Poe felt numb.

Poe watched the woman before him change, slowly, deliberately emptying emotion and placing on the armor of the rational general.

“Kylo has made it exceedingly clear his allegiance does not lie with the Resistance, but with you,” she said. “He is too valuable of an asset to risk losing should you be lost on a mission.”

Kylo flew to his feet. Every guard and soldier in the room brought weapons to bear, aiming them at Kylo. Poe pushed into Kylo’s arms, trying desperately to get the man to look at him.

“You think this will win you my loyalty?” Kylo said. The rage was nearly a palpable entity. Poe clung to him. “Do you think holding him hostage here will compel me to fight for you?” Poe could feel the Force gathering around Kylo like a dark cloud.

“Kylo don’t,” Poe whispered. “Please don’t do this.”

Someone with a nervous finger twitched. Kylo froze the bolt in midair. It buzzed with contained energy. Everyone gasped. Rey and Finn were on their feet yelling, waving the guards down. Kylo used the Force to push Poe away from him, pressing him into the corner of the room to get him out of the line of fire.

About a third of the blaster barrels followed Poe, an obvious threat. Poe felt Kylo’s anger tick from fury to madness. The lights in the room blew out. Poe was simultaneously pushed to the ground and across the room into the opposite corner.

There was a volley of blaster fire, each bolt careening upward into the ceiling. Lightsabers flared to life. First blue, then green, then red. The room was half lit by the glow of the blades, eerie and unnatural.

Poe tripped in his urgency to get his limbs under him. “Kylo.” His voice was choked with tears. Poe wondered at what point he had begun to cry. “Kylo please.”

Poe stumbled over people and furniture as he clambered toward the red light of Auvas Dol’s blade. He slid inside it’s glow, pressing his body to Kylo’s. He put his hands on Kylo’s face. “You don’t have to do this he,” he said. “We can figure it out.”

Poe heard the blade power off and then Kylo’s strong arms were around him. Poe draped his arms around Kylo’s neck, allowing himself to be crushed into the man’s body.

“You always say we,” Kylo said in his ear. “I should leave. Being tied to me is a poison for you.”

“No,” Poe said. He couldn’t think of a more eloquent argument. Suddenly his limbs were threatening to collapse out from under him and he was unsure he could even stand if Kylo let go of him.

The emergency backup lights clicked on, bringing the room back to half-light. Poe heard Luke and Rey disarm their lightsabers. He chanced a look over his shoulder. It was a strange sight indeed. Luke and Rey stood watching Poe and Kylo. Rey was barely managing to stay on her feet. How she had intended to fight Kylo was beyond Poe.

Everyone else in the room was frozen as if held in place by an invisible force field. Most of the guards had their guns pointed upward toward the destruction of the ceiling. Finn was leaned over the table, hands stretched wide in an attempt to stay the violence.

Poe pulled softly on the lapel of Kylo’s robe. “Kylo,” he said. “You have to let them go.”

Kylo shook his head. “It isn’t me.”

Luke settled wearily into his chair. “I meant to catch them before they fired,” he said. “You will have to forgive an old man for becoming slow in his old age.” A sprinkling of dust fell from the ceiling onto the table. Luke looked up at the damage. “The same cannot be said for you, Ben.”

Kylo hugged Poe a little closer. “Don’t call me that.”

Luke nodded. “As you wish,” he said. He looked at Kylo for a long moment. “Perhaps that boy really is finally dead.”

He motioned for Poe and Kylo to retake their seats. Poe exchanged a glance with Kylo, shrugging. They did so, and Rey collapsed gratefully into her chair as well.

Luke gave Poe a small smile. Poe only felt sick.

Luke waved his hands and all at once people began to move, looking about in confusion.

“Now then,” Luke said, his voice clear and strong. “I think we would all benefit if we could try to be civil.”


	12. Chapter 12

Poe had not said a word since the meeting had reconvened. Kylo could feel Poe clinging to his composure, fighting hysteria with every ounce of self-control he could muster.

Kylo forced himself to relax his grip on Poe’s knee slightly. He would never forgive himself if he left bruises.

Someone was speaking but Kylo hadn’t heard a word. All of his energy was going into resisting the tide of anger still threatening to pull him under. He wanted these fools to pay for their arrogance, for their ignorance. He wanted blood to run and to carve through flesh until he had no more energy to be angry.

But that would only hurt Poe more. So he resisted.

“Yes, ma’am,” General Organa’s clerk said. “I’ll file the paperwork to recommission the X-wing as soon as we finish here.”

Poe’s chest heaved but the sob never escaped beyond that. Kylo’s control waivered.

“There’s still the matter of the BB-8 unit in Dameron’s possession,” Admiral Ackbar said. “It is an immensely valuable asset to be kept by an adviser.”

Something heavy fell across Poe. Kylo didn’t trust himself to remain in control if he spoke so he just gripped the arm of his chair.

“I didn’t realize I had accepted the position,” Poe said. Everyone’s eyes flickered to Poe but they all looked away quickly. None of the could bare to meet Poe’s eye. Poe held his head high, every inch projecting the rakish pilot they’d always known him as. It made them squirm, uncomfortable, like they had expected him to transform into someone else once they’d shamed him.

Poe locked his Jaw. He stared out into the room, determined not to make this easy for them.

Kylo was determined not to let it happen at all.

“BB-8 was not commissioned to Poe by the Resistance,” Finn said. “No one here has any claim on him.”

Ackbar nodded his head in acknowledgement. “Perhaps young Dameron could be convinced to—“

“Don’t you think we’ve taken enough from him today?” Rey said. She looked at Kylo. She was begging him to understand that she didn’t believe in this, that she had argued against it. Kylo turned away from her. Her remorse mattered for nothing.

No one in the room had the gall to challenge Rey’s statement. Kylo traced his fingers down Poe’s forearm. He wanted to leave, to take Poe out of this room so they could both breathe. Kylo could see the same desire smoldering in Poe’s eyes.

Kylo could feel his uncle’s eyes boring into him. It irked him how it took him back to his youth, how quickly he felt like the unsure adolescent desperately trying for Luke’s approval, and perpetually failing.

Kylo locked his mind down, slapping at Luke’s presence in the Force with a warning blow. Luke’s head twitched back slightly, surprised. He raised his hands in an apologetic gesture.

“If there is nothing else,” Luke said, “I am sure everyone would be relieved to finish. I’m not sure what more we can accomplish here tonight.” He nodded to Kylo and Poe.

Poe didn’t need to be told twice. He stood, jerking his head for Kylo to follow him.

Kylo rose to follow giving Luke a nod.

“Are we really going to allow him to roam the compound fully armed?”

Kylo didn’t see who spoke, the coward having waited for him to turn his back. Poe’s shoulders sagged as he turned back. Kylo didn’t move.

“You have my word I will not draw it except in defense of myself or Poe,” Kylo said without turning around.

“And we’re just supposed to take your word for it?” Ematt said.

Kylo let a subtle tension creep into his frame and took a slow breath, pulling the Force to him. “If you want my help, you’re going to have to,” he said. “I have no intention of being at the mercy of your men.”

The general bristled. “My troops are exceptionally well trained,” she said. “Whatmore, they are good men. I have the utmost confidence in all of them. We don’t make it a habit of stabbing each other in the back here.”

Kylo laughed. The sound was harsh and cruel. He could feel the effect it had on the room, making the occupants squirm, unsure and uncomfortable.

“Surely, General, you can’t be that naïve,” Kylo said. He turned back to look at her. He was all too aware of the way this conversation was draining Poe. He needed it to end.

“If you going to use me to destroy the First Order, you’re going to have to trust me enough to leave me armed,” Kylo said. “If not, I suggest we begin renegotiation of the peace between us.” Kylo didn’t actually reach for the hilt of his lightsaber but he knew the general understood.

“Let him keep it,” Rey said. She was studying her hands to avoid looking at anyone. “He’s had his chances to slaughter us if he was going to.”

Kylo wondered if the girl truly believed the words or if her actions were spurred by guilt. Either way, he’d accept her endorsement, no matter how back-handed.

The Stormtrooper sighed. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” he said. He rubbed his face. “But if there’s another attack, we want him fully armed. If he’ll actually fight for us, Kylo could save a lot of lives.”

****

Poe’s quarters had a lived-in quality that Kylo appreciated. Star charts were piled on the edge of Poe’s desk; random laundry was spilling from the hamper; the wires of BB’s charging dock were slightly untucked. The slight disorder made Kylo smile. Things were never this human in the First Order.

Poe engaged the security on the door and leaned back against it. Kylo felt the dam break and moved on instinct, catching Poe as his knees gave out. Kylo pulled Poe into his chest, resting his chin atop the man’s head.

Tears soaked through the front of Kylo’s robes though Poe hardly made a sound. Anger curled in the pit of Kylo’s belly. The Resistance—his mother—had taken Poe’s one pride, robbed him of the one belief of worth that he had. Kylo could feel the gaping wound in Poe’s mind, the loss of identity.

Kylo could clearly see how large a part he had played in it all.

“I’m sorry, Poe,” Kylo said. He stroked Poe’s dark curls softly. “I’m so sorry.” The words were inadequate, meaningless. There was nothing he could say that would make this better.

Kylo wrapped his arms more tightly around Poe, tucking the man deeper into his chest, trying to open his mind and show Poe everything. Kylo was unsure how long they stood in the embrace, but eventually he felt he resolve return to Poe’s limbs.

Poe pulled away just enough to place a soft kiss on Kylo’s collar bone.

“Can I look at your injuries again?” Poe said. He looked up at Kylo. His eyes were red but his gaze was steady. Kylo ran his hand over Poe’s hair one more time and nodded.

Poe slid his hand into Kylo’s and stepped toward the bed. He froze, his eyes widening. “Kylo, you don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to,” he said. Guilt and fear made his skin go clammy. “We can get you your own quarters. There’s no pressure.”

If the day had been less cruel, Kylo would have laughed at Poe’s concern. Instead he just stepped forward and sat on the edge of the bed. He unclipped his lightsaber, placing it on the bedside table, and began to untie his robes.

Poe moved in, pulling the robes away and letting them fall the floor. Goosebumps raised on Kylo’s skin as Poe ran his fingertips over Kylo’s body, a ghost of a touch. “Turn around?” Poe said. Kylo acquiesced. Poe’s nimble fingers prodded the once-shattered shoulder. The joint was tender but sound.

Poe slid his hands across Kylo’s back, tracing the ugly wound on either side. Kylo could clearly feel the two places where the blaster had struck, breaking into the puckered scab and tender scar tissue. Poe’s fingers lingered just a beat.

Kylo just failed to suppress a wince as Poe’s hands found his broken ribs. Kylo could feel the displeasure and worry spike in Poe, his hand still pressed open palm against Kylo’s side, feeling the rise and fall of Kylo’s breath.

“You really should see a doctor,” Poe said. “They’re broken on both sides.”

Kylo pulled Poe’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles softly. “They are only swollen, not displaced,” he said. “They will heal.”

“You are in pain,” Poe said. Kylo shrugged.

“Pain is a fact of life,” he said. “I don’t trust the team in the med bay. I do trust you.”

Poe sighed. He pressed a kiss to Kylo’s shoulder before moving around to the bandage on his hip. The lightsaber wound was deep and ugly but had not injured anything vital. Poe recovered it with bacta-soaked bandages. Kylo gripped Poe’s knee against the sting.

Poe placed his hand on top of Kylo’s, leaning in to just rest his head against Kylo’s shoulder. Poe’s hair tickled Kylo’s throat. The pilot looked exhausted, defeated.

Kylo ached.

“I’m going to change,” Poe said. He presented the cuffs of his shirt, stained with blood from too much time playing doctor. There were streaks on his pants and down his front from carrying Rey. The look didn’t suit Poe.

Poe climbed carefully off the bed, unbuttoning his shirt, exposing the smooth planes and tan skin of his chest. Poe noticed Kylo watching and smiled. Kylo felt color rise in his cheeks.

An electronic beeping startled them both, ruining the moment. Kylo’s lightsaber flew to his hand on a nearly unconscious command. Poe swore and flipped on a monitor on the desk. Rey and Finn were outside the door, apparently bickering as usual if their body language was any indication.

Finn raised his hand to hit the buzzer again. Kylo hung his head. He put the lightsaber back on the bedside table and braced his elbows on his knees. Poe raked his fingers through his hair and went to answer the door.

“What is it now?” Poe stood in the doorway, blocking his friends from entering. Finn looked surprised but Rey was merely resigned. She had expected this.

“Poe we just wanted to make sure you knew how sorry we are,” Finn said. “They council was wrong. They’re going to see that.”

“They won’t,” Poe said. His face was devoid of any emotion. “They’ve made it pretty clear where they stand.”

Belatedly the pair began to notice the scene of the room. They took in the mussed bed, Kylo’s relative state of undress, Poe’s open shirt and tousled hair and came to the wrong conclusion.

Embarrassment and dislike clouded the Stormtroopers mind. He was not used to the idea of his best friend lying with a monster.

“Maybe you could show the council—“

“Finn,” Rey warned. The Stormtrooper wisely fell silent. A small flicker of anger and pride ignited in Poe.

“The council made it pretty clear they think I have more value as Kylo’s whore,” Poe said. Kylo straightened slightly, forcing himself not to react. Finn looked as if Poe had slapped him. Rey only looked ashamed.

“Poe no one thinks that,” Finn said. “I don’t.”

Poe tightened his grip on the door. “It’s not your fault, Finn. I don’t blame you for any of this.” Poe closed the door a fraction of an inch. “But I’d like you both to leave now.”

Finn gripped the door to stop Poe from closing it. Kylo stood as a silent warning. Finn raised his hands. “Don’t do this, Poe,” he said. “Don’t let him—this—isolate you.”

Kylo couldn’t see Poe’s face but he knew Finn realized his mistake. The Stormtrooper’s shoulder sagged in defeat. “It’s not supposed to be like this, man,” he said. He let Rey pull him from the doorway.

“When you’re ready, we’ll be here,” Rey said. She looked passed Poe to Kylo. “For both of you.”

Poe nodded, and shut the door. He re-engaged the security. Kylo sat on the bed and held out his arm for Poe. He pulled Poe onto his lap, wrapping his arms around the man’s thin waist and resting his head on the point of Poe’s shoulder.

“Is that really how you think of it?” Kylo said. He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice. “That you’re my whore?”

“That’s how they see it,” Poe said. The truth of it made anger pulse through Kylo.

Poe moved, twisting so he was on his knees straddling Kylo’s lap. “It’s ok,” he said. His breath was hot on Kylo’s ear. Poe pressed his hips into Kylo’s body. Kylo tried to ignore the response in his own.

“I’d rather be your whore than anyone else’s.”

Kylo growled. He had to force his hands open, make a deliberate effort to lay them flat against Poe’s sides instead of letting the anger take over. Poe slid out of his shirt and opened the button of his pants. Kylo put his hands on Poe’s to stop the action.

“You are not a whore.”

Poe used his leverage to press Kylo back into the mattress. He braced himself on one arm, sliding the other hand down to cup Kylo’s half-hard cock through his pants. An involuntary grunt escaped Kylo.

Anger and self-hatred made Kylo’s chest feel tight. He tried—unsuccessfully—to shut down the response Poe was coaxing from him. He couldn’t believe… He wouldn’t… The fact that any part of him would ever want to do that to Poe made Kylo want to peel his own skin off.

Poe playfully nipped at Kylo’s nipples while fondling his balls. Another wave of pleasure flooded Kylo, quickly stagnating into anger.

“It’s ok,” Poe said. He moved up to softly kiss Kylo’s lips. Kylo couldn’t help but return the gesture.

“You don’t have to hold back,” Poe said. He licked his palm in a wide, slow stroke before sliding it back into Kylo’s pants. “I’m hard to break.”

Nausea and euphoria overwhelmed Kylo in equal measure. He caught Poe’s wrists, drawing them both up and draping Poe’s arms around his neck.

Poe leaned in, pressing their bodies together, grinding his hips against Kylo’s. “Please,” Poe whispered. “I’ll do whatever you want. Please Kylo.”

Kylo wrapped his arms around Poe, forcing the man to still. He pressed their foreheads together. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.

Poe rolled, dragging Kylo on top of him. He pressed their lips together in a hungry, desperate kiss.

“I don’t care if it hurts.”

The words were like a blow to Kylo. He pulled back dragging himself out of his own panic to look at Poe. Poe’s eyes were dilated too wide, his voice a shade too submissive, small tremors running up and down his spine.

Poe’s mind lay open to Kylo like a bloody battlefront letter. There were only two things Poe believed he was good for. The first had been ripped away from him by the Resistance council; the second he was offering to Kylo now.

Kylo could read the stories angry men had written into Poe over the years, how he believed he deserved their wrath, that their words about him were true, that the only touch he deserved was one that would hurt.

Nausea overwhelmed Kylo. He stumbled away from Poe, running to the refresher where he collapsed and was quietly sick. He had been so close. He had almost let himself believe the act that Poe put on, the one those men believed to excuse what they did.

He had wanted it: to feel Poe move beneath him, to kiss him and claim him, to feel his heat. Kylo was sick again.

“Kylo, I’m so sorry.” Poe was in the doorway. His eyes were no longer blown out but his voice was choked with a different kind of pain.

“I’m just like them,” Kylo said. Admitting it only made it worse. “I wanted to use you like they do.”

Poe knelt, edging closer to Kylo like he was a wounded animal. “No,” he said. His voice was raw with emotion. Tears gathered in his eyes again. “No, you aren’t. I was like them. I pushed you to do things you’re not ready for.”

Kylo shook his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak without crying.

Poe crept a little closer. “If you were like them, you would have taken out your frustration on me the second we got to the room,” Poe said. “I would be under you right now, bleeding and covered in bite marks.”

The image made Kylo burn with anger. He clutched the edge of the toilet, wavering on the edge of sickness again. Poe crept a little closer.

“No one has ever stopped me before,” Poe said. “Everyone has always taken whatever I have offered without a second thought. Usually more.” Poe rubbed at the blood stains on his pants. “You are a good person, Kylo. I am the one who should be ashamed.”

Vulnerability and uncertainty made Kylo angry. He bit his tongue to make sure he didn’t lash out; he could feel how easy it would be to break Poe now. He doubted whether either of them would survive that. Kylo sat, pulling his legs to his chest.

“Please don’t shut down on me,” Poe said. “Get angry if you need to. Just please, don’t stop talking to me.”

Kylo closed his eyes and drew a long breath, making sure he was entirely in control. “I’m not good enough for you,” he said. Kylo licked his lips. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

Poe was shocked. Disbelief clouded his features. He wondered, Kylo realized, if Kylo was trying let him down easy to spare his feelings.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” Kylo said. He leaned his head back against the wall. “I don’t mean in the lustful desire way—though you certainly are that. I mean in the way your intelligence makes your eyes sparkle. And your compassion makes everything about you feel warm.”

A blush crept up Poe’s neck turning his skin the color of warm caramel. Kylo closed his eyes. “Being too close to me has already cost you your command and your ship and the trust of all the people who care about you. That’s too high a price for you to pay when I have nothing to offer you.”

“Don’t I get to decide that?” There was a sudden steel in Poe’s voice and posture that surprised Kylo. Kylo opened his eyes. Poe was looking at him proud and certain. Kylo nodded.

“Of course. But…” It was Kylo’s turn to falter. He felt the blood rush to his face. He doubted it had the same warming effect on him that it had had on Poe. This was not the gentle color of a compliment. This was shame.

Kylo turned away again.

“You want someone who can touch you,” he said. He brushed his fingers against Poe’s cheek. Poe leaned into the touch, unconsciously pressing himself into Kylo’s hand. He stopped, realizing what he’d done. Kylo withdrew his hand. “You need someone who can help you remember what it is supposed to feel like.”

Poe shuffled closer to Kylo. “But you want to touch me,” Poe said. There was a note of desperation in his voice that made Kylo want to break someone. “I’ve seen it.”

Kylo pressed his hands flat against the floor, gripping his fingers against the smooth tiles.

“Yes,” he said. He stared up at the industrial ceiling, tracing the vent work in its neat patterns. “But I… I am terribly _afraid_ of sex. I hate that any part of me wants to do those things to you.”

“With me,” Poe said. Kylo turned away.

“It makes me angry that I want it. And when I’m angry, I lose control and I’ll hurt you.” Poe reached out for Kylo but Kylo drew his legs tightly to his chest, keeping Poe away.

Poe stopped.

“Kylo it doesn’t have to be like what Snoke does to you,” Poe said softly. “It can be so different.”

Kylo laid his head against his knees. “I don’t know if I can tell the difference,” he said. “Especially because you…”  
f  
“Because I like it rough,” Poe said. He sat back, putting distance between himself and Kylo.

Anger sparked in Kylo. “No,” he said. “Because you use sex as a punishment. You let them hurt you because you think you are dirty, and deserve only to be used.” Tears clung to Poe’s lashes again.

“I almost missed it,” Kylo said. He balled his hands into fists. “I don’t think I can tell the difference.”

Poe moved closer to Kylo again. He reached out slowly, just brushing his fingertips down Kylo’s forearm and into his hand, softly curling their fingers together.

“Can you tell the difference here?” The words were so quiet they barely disturbed the air between them. Kylo, not wanting to break the moment, gave the tiniest nod.

Poe leaned in and pressed his lips to Kylo’s softly, chaste and sweet. Kylo closed his eyes. “Can you tell the difference now?”

Kylo couldn’t stop himself. He leaned in, just nuzzling Poe’s beautiful jaw. “Yes,” he breathed.

Poe slipped his other hand into Kylo’s and guided him gently until they were standing.

“Then that’s all the matters,” Poe said. “Anything else can wait until you’re ready.”

Poe turned to lead Kylo back to the bedroom but Kylo held back.

“And what if I’m never ready?” he said.

Poe looked over his shoulder. “Then I’ll wait.”

Kylo let himself be guided back to the bed. He laid down. Poe paused to finish changing before lying beside Kylo. His fingers just brushed Kylo’s arm, tracing delicate patterns on his skin.

The sorrow and loss were still radiating off the pilot, contained now behind a wall of control.

Kylo pulled the man closer until his head rested against Kylo’s chest. Poe placed a single kiss to Kylo’s shoulder. Kylo trailed his fingers down Poe’s spine.

****

Poe forced himself to walk out of the office with his head held high. He ignored the mutinous way his knees seemed to be filled with gelatin. This should have been nothing. This was just a formality. But his hand still trembled as it clutched the form officially naming him a decommissioned pilot.

“This is going to get sorted out, Poe,” Finn said. “Lots of the pilots are furious. There have been fights in the barracks every night since the news got out. They all want you back.”

Poe gave Finn a tired smile. “Then who are they fighting?”

Finn didn’t have an answer for that.

“My point is, we’re going to keep fighting this, man,” Finn said. “It’s bullshit. We’re going to get it fixed.”

Poe wondered if this was the first time the Resistance had disappointed Finn. The movement had been like a liberation after his time in the First Order, perhaps it was hard to let go of that rosy glow. Poe clapped Finn on the shoulder.

“What are you up to today?” Poe asked.

Finn rolled his eyes. “Giving another lecture on Stormtrooper fighting techniques and weaknesses to a bunch of recruits,” he said. “Then hand-to-hand combat training this evening. You?”

Poe shoved his hands in his pockets. “Probably reading more star navigation projections.”

Finn shuffled awkwardly. “Right.” His face brightened. “There’s a really great band on Nuris tonight, just a short shuttle ride. You should come.”

Poe shook his head. “Come on, Poe!” Finn said. “Even Rey is planning on coming.”

“I can’t leave Kylo,” Poe said.

Finn almost said, “Bring him,” but the idea was bad and the sentiment false. The pair walked in silence for a few yards.

“He can’t get mad at you for going out one night,” Finn said. “You deserve a little fun.”

Poe fought to keep a scowl off his face. “He wouldn’t,” Poe said. “But it’s his second day here as a non-prisoner. I don’t really think I should abandon him to go to a party.”

“A non-prisoner?” Finn raised his eyebrows.

“Well I didn’t really see anyone offering him full Resistance membership,” Poe said.

Finn stopped. Poe circled back to face him. “I didn’t see him asking for it,” Finn said.

People were giving them a wide berth, skirting well further around them than was necessary. Poe could feel their eyes on him but ignored them stubbornly.

“I doubt he wants it,” Poe said. “He wants to kill Snoke. Beyond that, I don’t think the goals of the Resistance mean much to him.”

Finn had never looked at Poe with such suspicion. “And just what do his goals after Snoke is dead include?” Finn said.

Poe raised his chin, refusing to look ashamed. “Hopefully me.”

Finn looked like Poe had smacked him. He looked around, checking to see if anyone had overheard. Poe bristled.

“You know, the trouble you’re having has a lot more to do with Kylo than the gay thing,” Finn said. Poe could feel his facial features fighting each other as he tried to appear calm.

Finn raised his hands. “Look,” he said. “Can we just talk? We haven’t had a chance to do that alone since all this happened.”

Poe took a deep breath. He owed Finn at least that much. He nodded and followed Finn to his quarters.

Poe shifted his weight nervously from foot to foot, waiting for Finn to start.

“Poe, you’re my best friend,” Finn said. “I love you and I trust you completely.” The continued preface made Poe more nervous.

“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to hide your sexuality all these years,” Finn said. He had begun to pace slightly, just a few steps in each direction. “You were right: I’m a solider. I know why you feel like you had to do it.”

Finn stopped pacing to look at Poe. “I hope you believe that I couldn’t care less that you’re gay. It makes no difference to me.”

Poe looked away. “I know, Finn,” he said.

“I just want you to be happy,” Finn said. Poe nodded, waiting.

Finn sighed. “But I hear what people say all day about you being in bed with the Kylo Ren, about how you’re a traitor and it makes me afraid for you.” Poe kept tight hold on all his emotions, refusing to feel anything until Finn made his point.

Finn sighed again, sinking into the chair at his desk. He sat sideways, his legs splayed in front of him. “There’s still the fear of him controlling you. It’s just really freaking people out,” he said.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Poe said.

Finn huffed, angry now. “I don’t know, Poe,” he said. “Maybe act like you care a little? We’re worried for your safety, for your future and you’re off in your room fucking the First Order.”

Angry color rose in Poe’s cheeks. Tension pulled his shoulders tight.

“I’m not,” he said.

Finn stood again, rolling his eyes. “You’ve barely left your quarters,” he said. “And before that you were always in his cell. People noticed, Poe. You’re turning your back on your friends, fighting with your superiors. For what? Some sort of self-destructive idea that you can save him?”

Poe stood still, not trusting himself to speak. He forced down every emotion, forcing calm on himself through strength of will.

That, more than anything, seemed to annoy Finn.

“Do you still not have anything to say?” Finn started pacing again. “I’m trying my best to defend you but you’re making it really hard. I mean, my God, Poe. How good is his dick?”

Poe’s eyes snapped up, anger seeping around the edges of his calm façade. “I’m not fucking him,” Poe said. Finn stopped and looked at him. “I’ve never had sex with Kylo or any member of the First Order. And—as Kylo has renounced them—I never will. Can you say the same, Finn?”

Finn gaped at Poe. It was a cruel blow, but Poe was numb to any remorse.

“Is that really what you think of me?” Poe asked. “That I’m such a slut I’m selling out the Resistance? Did you always feel that way? Or only after you were so okay with my being gay?”

Finn held up his hands. They were shaking. “No,” he said. “No, Poe. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I was just angry, afraid.”

Finn moved closer to Poe, extending his hand, but Poe turned away, still stung by the words.

Finn let his hand drop. “What I meant is I’m worried you chose Kylo because you already felt isolated, like you didn’t have any options.”

Poe forced himself to unclench his hands. “It’s ok, Finn,” he said. “I’ve kept a lot of secrets. I deserve some scrutiny.”

“Poe, I do trust you,” Finn said. “I just want to know you’re sure of your choice, and that you’re making it in the right mind.”

Poe turned back to Finn.

“It’s Kylo, Finn. If he’ll have me, he’s the one I want.”

“And you trust him?” Finn said.

Poe nodded. “With my life.” He took a step forward, grasping Finn’s forearm. “With your life.”

Finn nodded, he gripped Poe’s arm in return. His face was pinched with sadness.

“Would you trust me with his?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic depictions of non-con. By this point, you know the drill: If you don't like it, don't read it. If you like the fic but don't want to expose yourself to it, skip the section in italics. 
> 
> I do believe this will be the last passage of non-con in this fic though, as always, I make no guarantees.
> 
> Be safe all!

Leia didn’t look up when Kylo entered her office though she must have sensed him. He stood over her and still she didn’t acknowledge him. He waited, determined to beat her at her own game.

“Is there something you want, Master Ren?” she said at last, though she continued to fill out the form she was completing. Kylo could feel how closely his mother was guarding her mind. Everything was carefully stacked, painstakingly hidden. Kylo smirked. She needn’t have bothered. He had no interest in her secrets.

“I want to talk to you about Poe,” Kylo said. A flicker of something crossed her mind too quickly for Kylo to latch onto. Leia set aside her paperwork at last.

“Is Poe okay?” Leia said. The concern on her face nearly looked genuine.

“He’s fine considering the people he’s dedicated his life to are now treating him like a pariah,” Kylo said.

Leia straightened her papers with a snap of her wrist. “Commander—“ Leia caught herself a beat too late. It flustered her, color rising in her face. “Mister Dameron is hardly an outcast. His current position would be considered a promotion. Were he not refusing to wear his rank pin he would be Sergeant Dameron.”

There was a beat of pride in Kylo when he heard that. “Good for Poe for not making it easy for you then,” Kylo said. “There’s no reason you should get to dress up what you did to him in order to make yourself feel better.”

That bothered her, though she gave no outward sign. Leia straightened her papers again needlessly. “I have an entire army and movement to consider,” she said. “Sometimes I am forced to make decisions I find unsavory or… or difficult.”

Leia was trying to read Kylo. Kylo wondered if he was giving her more than she was giving him.

“You made the wrong decision,” Kylo said. “As a person, and as a general.” Leia’s fingers might have twitched nervously, just a fraction of an inch.

“I hardly think that I will be taking advice from you on matters of leadership,” Leia said.

Kylo narrowed his eyes slightly.

“In the First Order, there was a very detailed and straightforward policy for threat management,” Kylo said. “Poe was considered to be a bigger threat to First Order operations than any other individual besides our dear Rey.”

Leia paled slightly. This was information she had not received. “In fact,” Kylo continued, “The only other bounty more highly sought is yours, General Organa. Though that really has more to do with the morale factor than actual individual threat.”

Leia stiffened. Her hand stilled dramatically atop her desk. “I trust you have a point here,” she said. Her voice had gone cold.

That suited Kylo just fine.

“My point is you have done their job for them. You have effectively eliminated a top tier target, key to First Order expansion.” Kylo paused. “I can probably give you some names if you’d like to attempt collection.”

The first real crack appeared in Leia’s defense. Anger flared across her mind. She rose to her feet. Very unimpressive for a woman of her stature, Kylo thought.

“Com—Mister Dameron had brought much of this on himself by his refusal to disclose all the pertinent facts about his character and his missions involving you, Master Ren. This deceit has made him risk that I can’t bear in this delicate timing.”

Kylo drew up to his full height, towering over his mother. “So being gay is a character flaw he should have informed you of?”

Leia couldn’t meet his eye. “In conjunction with the other factors, it compromises his ability to be an effective battlefield leader,” she said.

Kylo stared at her, anger churning his stomach. Leia stubbornly looked straight ahead. “The new world you’re fighting to create,” Kylo said. “I doubt it will be any better than the last.”

It wasn’t anger, but sadness that tinged Leia’s thoughts now. “I want you to know, that if the choice were only mine it would be different,” she said. “Poe is a great man. I care for him very much.”

“Yes,” Kylo cut in. “I heard it from your thoughts while you denounced him to your council. You love him like a son.” The exchange hung between them, heavy and awkward.

“It’s good to know I’m not the only disappointment,” Kylo said.

The blow crushed Leia but Kylo had no desire to gloat. He turned to leave.

“Ben,” she said. Kylo ignored her, not breaking pace.

“Kylo.” She tried again just as he reached the door.

“I am glad you are back,” Leia said.

Kylo placed his hand on the door frame. It slid open silently.

“When I go to kill Snoke, I expect Poe to lead the flight team,” he said.

****

 

The morning air cooled the sweat on Kylo’s skin. It had been too long since he had felt the deep burn in his muscles as he trained; he relished in it now. The lightsaber was still unfamiliar. Practice. Practice was the only answer.

Kylo pushed himself now, moving through more difficult forms and stances. He closed his eyes, relying on the Force to guide his movements as the blade flashed around him in arcs of color. The girl arrived at the edge of the clearing, watching.

Kylo pressed further, moving faster until the hilt of the saber was humming in his hands. This was an angry blade, hungry. Kylo pulled the blade in to a single, throwing it in a wide arc, tracking it with the Force. He kept moving, spinning away, throwing his body back into a dramatic flip. Kylo’s lingering injuries screamed but he ignored them.

A spike of pride nearly broke his concentration as his feet reconnected with the ground, steady and sure but Kylo choked it down. He threw out his hand, creating another Force barrier before neatly catching his spinning blade with the other.

Kylo powered the blade off, pulling it to his chest with satisfaction. Practice.

Rey was still watching him. She was trying very hard not to be impressed. Kylo smirked. He opened his eyes and beckoned Rey to join him. She hesitated glancing around. Kylo wondered if she was worried someone would see them together or if she wanted witnesses.

Slowly, the girl limped out to meet him. She was down to one crutch, though Kylo wondered if that were strictly following doctor’s orders.

“You had your eyes closed,” Rey said. Kylo gave her a single nod.

“You’re lucky you didn’t cut your leg off, showing off like that.”

Kylo snorted. “Now wouldn’t that have been embarrassing,” he said.

Kylo tucked his lightsaber into his belt. Rey relaxed slightly. Annoyance flickered in Kylo. He turned leave.

“Teach me,” Rey said. Kylo stopped. He knew the request had cost Rey something.

“Close your eyes,” he said. His voice was soft but he knew it would carry in the stillness of the early morning. He pulled his lightsaber free from his robes once more.

“You want me to close my eyes while you’ve got your weapon drawn?” she said. Tension made her voice vibrate. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

Anger rocketed through Kylo. He whirled around to face her, his lightsaber flaring to life his hand. Rey dropped her crutch, her own lightsaber pulled up.

“You are far too powerful to be this naïve,” Kylo said. He strangled the fury inside him, forcing calm into his shoulders, his stance, letting the lightsaber relax to his side. “And I don’t have time to nurse you along like a toddler.”

Kylo drew a long breath. “Attack me then,” he said. He closed his eyes. “And I’ll show you.” He could feel Rey hesitating, uncertain. Her first strike was half-hearted, lazy. Kylo parried it easily, knocking her aside, holding her at his mercy.

Rey gasped in surprise. Kylo withdrew, keeping his eyes closed. “Again,” he said.

The girl’s presence burned bright in the Force. Kylo tracked her easily, her movements and thoughts rippling over him.

Rey’s mobility was limited but she was clever. Her strikes were quick, determined. Kylo could feel the wound to her pride with each blow he knocked aside. Rey lost her focus, her eyes drifting to Kylo to ensure his eyes were closed tightly. Kylo batted her aside, holding her at the point of his lightsaber.

Rey huffed in frustration.

“Again,” Kylo said.

Twice more they clashed. Rey wavered between determination and despair as Kylo continued to back her down easily. She sank to the ground, breathing heavily. Her thoughts were muddy with pain and confusion. Kylo opened his eyes and looked at the girl.

“We’re doomed, aren’t we?” she said. She looked away from Kylo but he could hear the tears in her voice. “If Snoke is half as powerful as you say, we don’t stand a chance.”

The weight of responsibility and expectation bearing down on Rey pressed against Kylo’s memories. The threat of inadequacy loomed over her like a specter showing her two paths: one to failure and a dark path where power was so easily within reach.

It was such an easy thing to turn.

Kylo tucked his lightsaber into his robes. What had power ever given him?

“You learn quickly,” Kylo said. He offered Rey his hand. “That is our hope.”

Rey looked at Kylo’s hand. She hesitated just a breath before grasping it and allowing him to pull her to her feet. The pair locked eyes for a long moment before Kylo turned away. He freed his lightsaber from his robes once more.

“You can see the entire world through the Force,” Kylo said. “It’s a heightened awareness of where things are and how they move.”

He armed one side of his lightsaber. “Close your eyes,” he said. Rey looked grim but nodded. Her blue blade flared to life and she closed her eyes. Her body coiled with apprehension.

“Follow me,” Kylo said. He walked in a circle around the girl, twice changing directions. “Track me through the Force.”

Kylo didn’t try to shield his presence. He let Rey track him openly. Her presence in the Force was loud and overly focused on him. He was sure she was blind to anything else happening around her. But it was a start.

Kylo swung his blade at Rey in a slow, lazy arch. Rey gasped, her eyes flying open as she moved to parry the blow. She looked at Kylo, anger bubbling up to her green eyes but Kylo’s anger was more impressive.

“Is this the Jedi discipline my uncle has taught you all these months?” He turned away spinning his lightsaber in his hand. “Honestly I expected more effort from you.”

Spots of color rose high on Rey’s cheeks. “You didn’t warn me,” she said. “I was startled.”

Kylo spun toward the girl once more. “Do you think the Knight striking at your back is going to warn you?” he said. He closed the space between them until he was towering over her. “He’s not. You need to be able to sense that attack coming, or you’ll be dead.”

Rey started to argue but pinched her mouth into a grim line and nodded. The anger flowing through Kylo was making her afraid.

“Again,” she said. Her voice was small but steady. “I can do it.”

Rey drew a long breath and closed her eyes. Kylo circled her once more before striking out.

The angle was wrong. Rey was a beat too late and, had Kylo wanted to, he could have swung out of the block and carved her nicely. However Rey managed to get her blade up to block Kylo’s swing.

“Good,” Kylo said. He reached out and adjusted Rey’s grip slightly. Rey nearly managed to repress the flinch as he touched her. “Slow, but good.

“Again,” Rey said. Kylo hummed his approval.

****  
It was easier to meditate next to the girl than it had been before. When attending morning meditation with Rey and Luke, Kylo had found himself distracted. However, after their training session, there was a new peace between them in the Force

Kylo opened his eyes to find Rey already looking at him. She was in pain. They had overworked her leg. Kylo ignored a stab of guilt.

Pain was good for her. She had to learn.

Rey’s crutch was lying across the field, discarded in the dirt. Kylo pulled it to him with the Force, catching it neatly. He offered it to Rey. She continued to study him.

“Ask your question then,” Kylo said. He looked at the ground between them.

Rey shifted, slightly apologetic but undeterred

“You are different than I expected,” she began. Kylo could practically hear her turning the words over in her mind, trying to get the phrasing just right. “Not just less… All of the information the Resistance has indicates that you are ungovernable, out of control. Your temper is infamous: killing your own men, destroying machinery worth millions of credits.”

Rey looked at him nervously to see how Kylo was receiving this. Kylo kept his face blank, waiting for the girl to make her point.

“But since you’ve been here, you haven’t…” Rey licked her lips. “I’m not stupid enough to think you’ve had a full revelation and achieved balance and peace. Anyone could feel the anger inside of you. But your control had been better than I could have imagined, better than mine.”

When Kylo didn’t reply, Rey huffed in annoyance.

“How?” she asked. “How did you make such a change so quickly?”

Kylo tightened the sash of his robes, considering. “It was the cage,” he said finally. “I had to use the Force. It’s not like I was trying to in order to escape or to formulate a defense—I needed the Force to suppress and contain my injuries.” Kylo forced down a shudder at the memory of those first days.

“I had to do more with less connection to the Force than ever before in my life. And it was do it, or die,” he said. Rey looked away. “Now that I can feel the full scope of the Force again… It’s different. I learned finesse, not just power.”

The thought that his captivity had somehow made Kylo a more dangerous opponent unsettled Rey. Kylo could feel her wrestling down the bitterness, trying to show him compassion. She stared across the compound, counting the pulses of life through the Force.

“Why do you want to kill him?” Rey said. “You say it’s not for power but there must be a reason.”

Kylo stiffened, his walls crashing down, shielding every corner of his mind. “Isn’t the fact that I do enough?” Kylo said. “You’ll get no better offer of aid.”

Rey studied him silently. She had turned all of her awareness toward him, scanning him for something she could use, something she understood.

“Was it that bad, then?” she said softly. Kylo kept his mind perfectly blank, empty of all emotion and images. He was confident he gave her nothing, no flash of his true feelings he escaped.

He knew that such perfect emptiness was an answer in itself.

It was, however, Kylo thought, better than giving her any clue as to the real answer.

“Don’t you think if I’m supposed to trust you I have the right to know?” Rey said.Anger bubbled in Kylo’s chest, tightening his muscles until it was hard to breathe.

“I do not,” Kylo said. He gripped his lightsaber so tightly the finer fastenings pressed into his fingers, drawing blood. Kylo stared at the hilt, examining it as if he were seeing it for the first time.

It was far from the first time. He had known this blade for years. Kylo shook himself, swallowing the tide of memories.

“And if I lied, if it were my goal to use the Resistance to kill Snoke and advance my position with the First Order,” Kylo said. He stood. Rey scrambled to her feet after him, her crutch digging a trough in the soft earth. “Would it still not be better to face the dragon with one head instead of two?”

Rey’s face strained as she tried to sort through how she should respond, if she should call his bluff or take his threat seriously. She fought the urge to arm her lightsaber, knowing it would escalate the situation beyond repair. Fear pounded in every beat of her heart.

“Or I could kill you now and still only be facing one head,” she said. The words were braver than she felt. Kylo admired her for that. He drew up his hood, casting a shadow over his face. He hoped the movement would distract from the trembling of his hands and hide the regret he felt pinching at the corners of his eyes.

“You can try,” he said. “The question is, who are you more afraid of?”

****

Poe stretched as he walked down the long corridor to his quarters. His back ached from another long day of sitting at his desk, hunched over reports. He’d spent the day reading briefings on the latest class of pilots. Each name had felt like another nail in his chest.

Poe pressed his hand to the scanner, waiting for the security to disengage. There was a strange tension pulling in his belly. He shook it off. He was tired.

Kylo was in his usual spot, meditating in the corner while he waited for Poe to arrive. There was a tension today that was unusual. Poe shivered, suddenly afraid. He turned to Kylo, longing for the comfort of the man’s strong arms.

Kylo’s eyes were open now but he didn’t greet Poe with his usual half smile. His face was gaunt, his pale skin sallow and waxy, his eyes black and deep with pain. His lightsaber was clutched tightly in his hands, smears of coppery blood standing out against the chrome finish. Shivers and twitches were shaking the man’s body.

Poe stopped short. His touch wouldn’t be welcome, not now. Poe slowly knelt in front of Kylo, stripping off his jacket. “Kylo,” he said softly. “Kylo, look at me.”

A deliberate focus entered Kylo’s eyes though none of the tension left his body. “You shouldn’t be here,” Kylo said. He shook his head. “I shouldn’t be here. I told Rey I want to return to power with the First Order. They may decide to execute me.”

Poe sucked a surprised gasp between his teeth. “Kylo, why?”

Kylo tightened his grip on his lightsaber. Fresh blood seeped between his knuckles. Crimson and chrome.

“I would rather be dead than let them guess what the Supreme Leader did to me,” Kylo said. “I won’t ever give them that sort of power over me.”

Poe’s chest tightened and he felt tears sting his eyes. Kylo shook.

“She wanted a reason, a reason she should trust that I’d fight Snoke and the memories started,” Kylo said. He voice was deadly calm for how miserable he looked. “And I couldn’t make them stop and I couldn’t let her know so I lied.”

Poe inched closer to Kylo. He carefully pulled the lightsaber from Kylo’s grasp. For an instant, fear and anger spike in Kylo but he let Poe take the weapon. His hands opened and closed helplessly as if he was unsure what to do. Poe slid the lightsaber across the room. Kylo’s eyes tracked it wildly. Poe carefully put his hands in Kylo’s.

“Kylo,” he said. Kylo’s eyes snapped to his. “He can’t touch you anymore.”

Kylo squeezed Poe’s hands until Poe lost the feeling in his fingertips. “I feel like he’s touching me now,” Kylo said. “I can’t get him out of my head.”

Poe pressed himself into the corner beside Kylo. He pressed his lips against Kylo’s shoulder is a soft kiss. “Show me, then,” he said. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

Kylo shuddered and dropped his eyes to his lap. He shook his head but then slowly, finally met Poe’s eyes.

****

_Kylo held the Knight at his feet at the point of his lightsaber, breathing heavily. Master Snoke clapped._

_“Very good, my apprentice,” Snoke said. “That makes five of your knights you have bested. Only one remains.”_

_Auvas Dol stepped forward from the edge of the field, brandishing his deadly double-bladed lightsaber. Kylo withdrew from the previous Knight who returned to the sideline, nursing his injuries. Kylo was grateful for the fading light and his black robes. It would make it more difficult for Dol to determine where he had been previously tagged and injured._

_The collar at Kylo’s throat ticked closed more tightly, just a fraction. Kylo straightened. Snoke loved watching him perform wearing all his_ adornments _. He telegraphed that pleasure into Kylo’s mind, like a whisper in his ear._

_Kylo closed his eyes and drew a long breath. One more. He could do this._

_The spark of lightening flew from Snoke’s hand. Kylo and Dol crashed together. Auvas Dol was the most dangerous of the Knights of Ren. That was no doubt why Snoke had saved him for last. Dol’s style was most similar to Kylo’s own: powerful, aggressive._

_Kylo knew his only chance of winning was if the fight was short. He could not allow Dol to wear him down. He had dueled five times already; Dol was fresh._

_The pair was locked in a stalemate, blades coating them in a violent light as they attempted to back each other down by main force. Kylo sent of blast of Force, pushing out Dol’s knee. The Knight absorbed most of the blow with a snarl but it unbalanced him just enough to allow Kylo to slide the guard blade across his shoulder and nip his calf. Kylo wasn’t quite fast enough to avoid the return strike entirely. The pinky finger on his left hand suddenly went numb. He didn’t dare check to see if it was gone entirely._

_“You are getting slow, Master Ren,” Dol said. “Are you tired?”_

_Dol swung back in moving in quick, short strikes designed to keep Kylo moving. The movement of defending the acrobatic attack pulled the chains attached to Kylo’s nipples and made the plug inside him move and dig. Kylo had to bite back a cry of pain and his muscles heaved with exhaustion. There was a satisfied humming from Snoke in his head that made him nauseous._

_The pain was insignificant, but it was a distraction that Kylo could ill afford. He dug his boots into the ground, knowing he had to make a stand. Dol struck Kylo on the arm, Kylo absorbed it, knowing it was the price for halting Dol’s momentum._

_Dol’s arrogance was beginning to bleed into Kylo’s thoughts. The man was so confident, so mocking in his approach. Dol thought he had already won. Kylo snarled behind his mask._

_He was Kylo Ren._

_Kylo threw his body back, ignoring the way Snoke’s toys ripped into his flesh. Dol’s lightsaber swung over him in a dazzling arch, leaving stars in Kylo’s vision even through the protection of his mask. Kylo kicked Dol in the chest. The blow landed with enough Force to throw them both to the ground._

_Kylo, however, had been ready for that. He landed already in a roll, spinning his body and his blade toward Dol’s prone form. Dol swung his blade desperately, too late to do any good—or to pull the strike. His lightsaber dug into Kylo’s ankle._

_Kylo bellowed in pain but held his blade over Dol’s neck, doing his best to disguise how bad his hands were shaking._

_****_

_“That was quite an impressive display, my apprentice,” Snoke said. He stripped Kylo’s robes away. Kylo shivered in the chilly air of Snoke’s quarters. “I would say you have made up for your insolence.”_

_Snoke’s tongue rolled along Kylo’s arm, tasting the blood still leaking from Kylo’s wounds. Kylo gagged and pulled away. Snoke smacked him with both hand and Force. Kylo’s face snapped to the side._

_“Don’t ruin it now, Pet,” Snoke said. He reached between Kylo’s legs undoing the straps of the chastity belt. “I know how desperate you are to get this out.” He pulled the base of the plug, moving it inside Kylo before pulling it out. Kylo couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped his lips. The sound made the anger inside him boil._

_He made to push Snoke away, drawing up every defense he had left. Snoke slammed him against the wall with the Force._

_“Going so soon?” Snoke whispered. “I promised you a reward if you defeated all your Knights.” Snoke sucked Kylo’s ear, trailing his fingers through the blood on Kylo’s chest. Kylo heaved, nearly sick. He struggled, reaching for anything he had left to push Snoke away. Snoke cut Kylo’s hold on the Force, pinning him against the wall._

_“I don’t want it,” Kylo said. He struggled weakly against Snoke’s hold. “I don’t need any reward.”_

_Snoke reached his hand between Kylo’s legs and gripped his cock cruelly while pulling the clamp on his already torn nipple. “Would you prefer I made it hurt?”_

_The ghosts of old torture played across Kylo’s mind. He dropped his head. “No,” he said. “No, please.”_

_Snoke laughed cruelly. He petted Kylo’s hair softly. Kylo closed his eyes, choking back bile once more. He heard the tell-tale rustle of Snoke pulling himself from his robe. Kylo pressed against Snoke’s hold on him again, unable to force himself to submit._

_Snoke dug his foot into the wound on Kylo’s ankle and lit Kylo’s nerves on fire with the Force. “Stop,” Snoke said, his voice heavy with command. “Stay still or I’ll peel the skin from your flesh before I have you.”_

_Kylo collapsed against the wall, defeated. He told himself it was the weight of the command, not the fear that beat him. He wasn't sure if that was supposed to make him feel better or not. Snoke pressed inside him. Kylo squeezed his eyes shut, trying to imagine he was anywhere else._

_“Touch yourself while I fuck you,” Snoke said. “You deserve this, my pet. You did so well today.” A broken sob wrenched out of Kylo but he obeyed the command. He pumped his cock in time with Snoke’s thrusts. Snoke used the Force to touch the pleasure center of Kylo’s mind. Kylo moaned as his body responded._

_“You’re so pretty like this, pet,” Snoke said. He grunted has he thrust deeper into Kylo. “If you weren’t so proud, it could always be like this.” Snoke had blown out Kylo’s mind too far for him to respond but something inside him heaved and the nausea resurged._

_Kylo’s body trembled with overstimulation. The desperate need to come wiped out everything else. Snoke receded from his mind enough for Kylo to have full awareness of what was being done to him._

_“_ _Beg me,” Snoke said._

_“Please, Master.” Kylo choked on the words but uttered them anyway. “May I come?”_

_“Together,” Snoke hissed. He picked up the pace, thrusting into Kylo quicker now. Kylo continued to pump himself, forcing himself to hold back. Finally he felt Snoke release, his seed filling him. Kylo let go with a sob spilling his load over his hand._

_Snoke pulled away, tucking himself neatly into his robes. Kylo slid to the floor too weak and exhausted to support himself. Kylo reached for the anger, for the Force, for anything that would give him the will to get back to his feet. Everything failed him. He settled for dragging himself toward his robes and wiping his hand clean._

_“You are dismissed, Apprentice. Leave me,” Snoke said. Kylo dressed as quickly as he could. His fingers stumbled clumsily over the laces of his boots but finally they caught. Kylo grabbed his helmet and heaved to his feet._

_“Kylo,” Snoke said. Kylo stopped inches from the door. “Don’t shower. I want to smell myself on you tomorrow.”_

_Kylo trembled with anger but he choked it down. “Yes, Master,” he said. He opened the door forcing himself not to run._

 

_In the hallway, Kylo nearly collapsed again. He braced his hands against his knees, dragging every ounce of strength he had left to project control. He pulled on his helmet, desperate for the blank anonymity it provided._

_In the space between when he lowered the visor and when the oxygen and voice modulator clicked in Kylo panicked. Kylo ripped the helmet off and collapsed, vomit and bile burning out of his throat._

****

Kylo leaned over and was sick. Poe carefully held his hair, pulling Kylo into an embrace. Both their faces were wet with tears.

“Do you want to shower now?” Poe said. Kylo nodded mutely. Poe helped the larger man to his feet and guided him silently to the refresher.

Poe waited until he heard the water before grabbing his communicator.

“This is Rey,” the Jedi said sharply.

“Rey,” Poe said. He pinned the communicator to his ear so he could clean up the sick. “It’s Poe. I think we better talk.”

There was a long silence on the line. “I’ll be outside your room in three minutes,” Rey said finally.

“Thank you,” Poe said. He heard Rey disconnect the line.

Poe had just finished cleaning when his communicator beeped again letting him know that Rey was outside his door. He sighed, wiping his hand on his pants.

Rey was leaning against the wall, her arms crossed against her chest. Her mouth was set in a determined line that made Poe feel anxious.

“I suppose you want to talk about what Kylo said after our training session today,” Rey said.

Poe raked his hand through his hair. “You got it in one,” he said. “Tell me what happened, from your perspective.”

“He insinuated he intends to return to the Dark Side—and the First Order—after he uses us to remove Snoke,” Rey said. She chewed her lip.

“You don’t believe him?” Poe asked. There was a hesitation in Rey’s posture.

Rey sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t know what to believe,” she said. “His other actions don’t lead me to believe he’s arrogant enough to throw betrayal in my face like that—“

“He’s not,” Poe cut in. He waved an apology. “Rey, he’s not going to betray us.”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “If it wasn’t the truth, he’s hiding something big,” she said. “What’s he hiding that’s so serious he’d rather I think he was going to betray us?”

Poe hooked his fingers behind his neck and studied Rey. He weighed his options. “That he’s afraid,” Poe said finally. “He doesn’t want to show you weakness. He’d rather you think he’s a traitor than a coward.”

Rey cocked her head and looked at Poe. Poe made sure his mind was blissfully blank.

“Well, that’s really stupid,” Rey said.

 

****

Poe was securing the door when Kylo emerged from the refresher wearing just leggings. Poe ached at the way his wet hair clung his neck.

Poe shook himself. That was the last thing Kylo needed right now.

Kylo lay on the bed. Poe followed, sitting at the desk.

“Lay with me?” Kylo said. Poe nodded, kicking off his boots.

“Always,” he said. He climbed into Kylo’s open arms.

Kylo was still trembling slightly though he seemed in better control now. Poe traced his fingers gently down Kylo’s arm. Kylo shivered, goosebumps rising on his flesh.

“He’s never going to touch you again,” Poe said. “Never. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life helping you replace those memories with ones you don’t have to hide.”

Kylo made a tiny mewling sound and moved closer to Poe. Poe wrapped his arms around Kylo, laying his head on Kylo’s shoulders, snuggling as Kylo settled his arms around Poe’s waist.

“Tell me it doesn’t always hurt,” Kylo said.

Poe kissed Kylo’s chest softly. “It doesn’t always hurt,” Poe said. “And when you’re ready, I’ll show you.”

Kylo hugged Poe closer. Poe ran his fingertips down Kylo’s arms again. Kylo buried his face in Poe’s hair.

“I believe you,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to add a note and let everyone know I have not abandone this fic. I'm so sorry the next chapter has taken so long but things have been crazy in the outernet!
> 
> I became an aunt, got a new job, moved halfway across the country. It's been an INSANE month. The's broken boys are still in my heart though. And now I should--finally--have the time to give them the attention they deserve. 
> 
> Look for an update no later than 12/18 but I do hope to have it up a couple days earlier than that. Sorry again! Thanks for sticking with me. 
> 
> ~FF


	14. Chapter 14

_“Maybe I should take him on the Falcon. Let him get away from all this for awhile. It might do him some good.”_

_Han and Leia were facing each other across the dining room table like it was one of the desks in her war room. Neither was seated. Ben flattened himself against the wall and slid a few inches further down the hall, straining to catch every word._

_“That’s what you want, Han,” Leia snapped._

_Han raked his fingers through his hair. “He’s still just a kid, Leia. We don’t have to treat him like a criminal. Let me take him somewhere that no one knows him, where he’s not Darth Vader’s grandson or…”_

_Han stumbled over his words when he saw the look on Leia’s face. “...the heir to a revolution.”_

_There was a silence so thick Ben squirmed. He slid a few inches further down than hall. He wondered if he was brave enough to risk a glimpse around the corner when his mother spoke._

_“How dare you. Do you think that this is joke? Running away. That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?”_

_“Kriff, Leia.”_

_Han paced._

_“Ben’s connection to the Force is growing, Han.” Leia planted her hands firmly on the table. “Even you must know sending him to Luke is our only hope. He needs training and discipline and guidance.”_

_The sound of Han’s footsteps stopped. His voice was so quiet Kylo had to strain to hear._

_“Even if he doesn’t want to go?”_

_A wave of anger emanating from his parents washed over Ben. He shuddered and covered his ears in a futile attempt to block it out._

_“You don’t know what it’s like to feel the Force, Han,” Leia said. “How much danger Ben is in.”_

_“You know, he’s my son, too, Leia,” Han said. His voice grew softer, tinged with a new emotion Ben couldn’t easily understand. “Maybe I understand him better than you think. He might get the Force from you but he gets his fear from me.”_

_“Yes,” Leia snapped. “And you must be so proud.”_

  
***

The general stood framed in the doorway. The wan light made her look younger, somehow softening the lines that had gathered at her eyes and hiding the fact that her hair had lost its luster to the passing years.

Kylo shivered.

Mother.

She smiled. “Hello.”

She smelled faintly of almonds and soap and ink. And Kylo shivered again.

“I’m sorry to show up unannounced. I wanted to talk to you alone.”

“I think you should leave,” Kylo said. He was off balance. His heart was pounding an irregular tattoo that made his stomach turn and the room spin.

Momma.

It was like he was on the bridge of the Starkiller base. His father reaching toward him. Kylo wanted to go home. There were tears on his mother’s face now.

“I know. I miss him too, Ben.”

Kylo choked. So that was it, then. Of course, she had been tied to the moment as well. Kylo jerked his hand, snapping his mother’s Force control with a sharp snap.

There was no dramatic flash of light, no illusion dispelling, no shuddering revelation. Leia simply tipped back her head in surprise and the warm longing and soft color faded from the hallway. His mother suddenly looked less like the woman who rocked him to sleep and more like the general.

“Did your war monkeys help you come up with this?” Kylo seethed.

“No. No. It isn’t like that.”

“I’m sure it isn’t,” he said. He the strings of Leia’s projection still clung to the air. “This is your work. Lead people to what you want them to see. But always leave yourself room to deny everything.”

Kylo took a step toward his mother. She took a step backward to maintain the distance between them, staying just out of Kylo’s reach.

“Deceit. Subtly. I should have learned my lessons from you.”

“I just wanted to talk to you, Ben.”

“THAT IS NOT MY NAME.”

Leia held up her hands. “I just wanted to speak to you,” she said. “All these years I missed my son.”

Kylo refused to be drawn into her act again.

“I am not your son.”

Tears gathered in Leia’s eyes.

“You are. Your father--”

“My father is dead.” Kylo felt the burn of tears in his eyes and choked them away. The idea of appearing vulnerable before this woman was more than he could bear.

“You should have come. Come after me yourself instead of sending him like one more pawn,” Kylo said.

Leia set her mouth in a grim line. “Is that what you think happened?” She shook her head, her disbelief washing over Kylo. “Do you honestly think so little of me, son?”

Kylo answered her only with silence. Leia sighed.

“He never gave up on you. He wouldn’t admit it. He never liked to be the optimist. It got in the way of all his moody looks and aloof brooding. But he believed in you until the end.” Leia wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold. “I wanted to borrow that, to share that hope with him but…”

She shook her head. “And now he’ll never know.”

“Because I killed him.”

Leia drew a sharp breath. A flash of anger showing in her eyes for the first time.

“Impertinence,” she said. “Always from you. I have made a lot of mistakes but I am trying…”

“Would you do it differently?”

Leia looked stunned. “What?”

“Would you do it differently?” Kylo repeated slowly. He held very still. He hadn’t realized what the question meant to him until he had spoken it aloud. Now his heart was choking him.

Leia reached a hand toward Kylo.

“Knowing what I know now, of course. Of course. I would do it all differently.” She extended her hand further, silently pleading. Kylo didn’t move.

She let her hand fall and inhaled slowly.

“But at the time, things were happening so quickly. I was scared.”

A spark of anger lit in Kylo”

“Afraid for your position with the Resistance,” he said.

Leia looked at him sadly. “Yes,” she said. There was a shade of shame coloring her words. “There were so many people relying on me.”

“I relied on you,” Kylo said. He could feel the anger spreading through him in waves “I was scared. And you never even told me that you had the Force.”

Leia just stood there helplessly. Kylo knew she regretted coming here. But this confrontation had been her choice.

“I knew,” he said. “You always believed that I would fall. From the second I starting showing my connection to the Force. And I knew you thought I was a monster.”

“That’s not true,” Leia protested.

Kylo felt a cruel laugh bubble up from deep inside him. He threw his head back and let it wash over his mother.

***

_The wind ruffled Ben’s newly shorn head. He shivered though the air was not cold, clenching his hands with anxiety._

_“I hope you know how much I love you,” Leia said._

_“If that’s true then why are you sending me away?” Ben’s voice sounded sullen, even to his own ears._

_Leia looked at him in surprise. Belatedly, Ben realized she had not voiced the words aloud at all. He felt tears of frustrations burn his eyes but he choked them down. He was terribly aware of the silent gaze of his uncle._

_“I’m sorry. I know I can—“_

_“It’s ok,” Leia said. She ran her hand over his hair. “That’s one thought I’m glad you heard. I do love you, Ben.” He was surprised to feel a tremor in her touch. His mother had always been so self-assured, so immovable. He looked at her now and saw something he had never seen in his mother before: doubt._

_Ben put his hand atop hers, pinning it to his head. “Mother, please don’t make me go. I don’t want—“_

_Leia jerked her hand away. “Ben we have been through this. At Luke’s academy you’ll fit in. You won’t be unusual. You’ll be able to learn to control your power rather than being afraid of it.”_

_Ben could feel the anger rising in him, heightening all the senses he didn’t ask for. “You’re the one who is afraid. You think that I’ll ruin the chances the Resistance has to recruit allies.”_

_“ENOUGH, Ben,” Leia said. She took a deep breath, trying to keep her composure. People around the compound were beginning to look with interest. Ben felt the old burn of his mother’s shame. He turned his back, trying to hide the fact that it still stung._

_“You all think I’m the next Darth Vader!”_

_Leia paled and her face turned white with anger._

_“How dare you Ben,” she began._

_Han pushed between his wife and son, his hands in his pockets._

_“Alright. Everyone just take a breath,” he said. He shuffled awkwardly._

_“Ben, your mother and I hate this as much as you do.” He cupped his hand around Ben’s chin. “We love you, son. I love you.”_

_Leia inhaled deeply. Her face was once again the impassive mask of a general. Ben was just one more troubled recruit. She straightened Ben’s collar and patted his cheek. Ben could just sense sadness at the edge of her mind but her touch had lost all of its maternal warmth. She was on autopilot now._

_“You’ll see,” Leia said. “This is what’s best for you. Before you know it, you’ll be a Jedi. You’ll have adventures all over the galaxy.”_

***

There were tears on Leia’s cheeks when Kylo released her mind.

“Well,” she said softly. “I wasn’t wrong, was I?”

Kylo continued to laugh. The first true wave of Darkside energy in months coursed over him. His lightsaber flew to his hand with almost unconscious thought. Leia’s eyes widened.

“Kylo,” she snapped. “Stop this at once.”

She spoke with the tone of a general used to being obeyed. That brought more insane laughter from Kylo.

“I thought you came to see your son,” he said. “Here is the son you raised.” The blade flared to life in his hand, instantly heating the small corridor.

Leia flinched and fumbled at her sleeve. “I came to give you this,” she said, flinging a small medallion at Kylo’s feet. Against his better judgment, Kylo stooped to pick it up. It had belonged to his father.

_Will you help me?”_

  
_Han stepped so close to Kylo they were almost touching. Han didn’t shy away, didn’t seem repulsed. “Yes,” he said. “Anything.”_

  
_Kylo felt his helmet drop from his fingertips. He pulled his lightsaber from its holster, considering it. All he had to do was turn it on. If he struck down his own father in cold blood, maybe it would be the final push of wrath he’d need to overcome Snoke._

  
_Han’s hand closed around the lightsaber. It was a relief. Maybe they could leave. Maybe he could go back._

  
_The darkness set in as the Starkiller drained the remaining life from its victim sun. And in the darkness the fear found Kylo._

  
_There was nowhere for him to go. He could never run from what he had done. His only hope, his only point in existing, was to kill Snoke._

  
_Kylo activated the lightsaber. It flared viciously to life in the dim light. He felt his father’s body convulse as he was run through. The rush of Dark energy filled Kylo almost instantly. The strength of it nearly took his breath away._

  
_“Thank you,” he said._

  
This time it was Leia who had triggered the memory. Kylo shook tears from his eyes. He had underestimated her. He watched her retreating form hurry down the hallway.  
“You’re wrong,” he called after her. Her steps stuttered to a halt. “You would do nothing different.”

  
Her shoulders slumped. “Believe what you want, Ben,” she said. “I can’t change your mind.”

  
Ben wound his father’s charm around his wrist. “I don’t have to guess,” he said softly. “I can just ask Poe.”


	15. Chapter 15

Poe was sitting at his desk scribbling furiously when Kylo came in. The calculations he had laid out were enough to make Kylo’s head spin. Kylo lurked against the wall, loathe to break whatever spell Poe was under. An abrupt snap of a ruler made Kylo flinch. Poe drew a sudden, sharp line nearly bisecting two maps. He studied it for a long moment and spun around, his cheeks flushed and his eyes shining.

“This might work,” he said. He rose and moved toward Kylo. “This idea of yours--I really think it could work.” 

Kylo cupped Poe’s cheek gently. “You were able to find a route through the rear of the Doaie Nebula?”

Poe raked his fingers through his hair and looked over his shoulder at the star charts. “Yes,” he said, his eyes moving constantly across the papers. “I mean, that storm is no joke. And the window is going to be unbelievably narrow. There’s not more than 4 or 5 pilots in the entire Resistance that could thread that needle.”

Poe’s eyes snapped back to Kylo’s. “But yes. I’m sure it’s possible.”

Poe’s grin was filled with a fire Kylo had never seen before. He could feel the excitement rushing through Poe’s veins like a flood. It was a dizzying sensation and Kylo longed to be swept along with it. Instead it felt like his stomach had been filled with rocks. 

“I’ll take Snap with me on the run. Jess too,” Poe said. He moved back to the desk. “Maybe one other...” Kylo grabbed Poe’s hand, forcing the man to look at him. 

“Only take people you’re sure you can trust,” Kylo said. Poe swallowed. 

“Kylo--”

“Poe.” Kylo wrapped Poe in his arms and tucked the man against his chest. 

“I'm going to be just fine,” Poe said. His voice was muffled by the strength with which Kylo clutched him. “I can't miss this mission.”

Kylo leaned back to look at him. Poe was happier, more content, than he'd been in weeks.

“I know, Poe,” Kylo said quietly. “I could never ask you to.”

Poe leaned back to meet Kylo’s eye.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Kylo gripped the side of Poe’s neck. His throat suddenly felt thick. Poe softly kissed Kylo’s wrist. The moment stretched between them.

Kylo cleared his throat. “They need you. In the air. You’re the best pilot I’ve ever seen.”

Poe turned back to the desk. “Snoke’s ship will have maximum shields of the hull of the ship They'll be relying on the storm to guard their flank. We should be able to hit their weapons systems hard and be lost in the storm again before they know what happened.”

Poe ruffled his papers once more. “We’ll have to have at least two other strike teams and some bombers hit the nearest First Order bases to ensure they can’t rally support.”

He looked up at Kylo. “But it's all just formalities now. We're ready.”

***

“I love you.” 

Poe started. Kylo had been mediating so long he had nearly forgotten the man was there. He looked up. Not so long ago Kylo lurking out of the shadows like death's specter was something from his nightmares. 

“I love you, too.”

Kylo came over to the bed but did not sit down. In the dim light his eyes looked empty. 

“This will not be the last night we have together,” Poe said.

“You don’t--”

“I believe,” Poe said. “I believe that the Force or fate or good old fashioned luck will bring us both back.”

Kylo took the book from Poe’s hands set it on the bedside table. He gripped Poe’s hands.

“But if it doesn't--” Kylo overrode the a sound of protest from Poe. “But if it doesn’t, I need you to do something for me.”

Poe withdrew his hands. “Kylo, you're scaring me.”

Kylo raked his fingers through his hair. Poe thought he saw anger flash in his eyes for “You should already be afraid Poe. I never took you for a fool.”

Poe flinched. “Of course I'm afraid. I have more to lose than ever before.”

Kylo came to the bed again, finally sitting down. Poe swung his legs over the edge of the bed so they were side by side, unwilling to look Kylo in the eye.

“I just can't hear you talk like coming back isn't in your plan.”

Kylo went still. Poe sighed and dropped his face into his hands. He tried to control his voice but it broke as he began.

“Just say you'll do everything you can to come back.”

“Of course I will,” Kylo said. He didn't move.

Poe felt his hands start to shake and color creeping into his face. Fear made him bold.

“Promise me no matter what happens you won't go back to him. Or if you succeed you won't… you won't… die anyway because… because you… because it…”

Poe choked on the tears.

Kylo laughed. He kissed Poe with such force and suddenness that Poe only choked some more. Kylo’s hands were hot against his cheeks and slowly Poe relaxed and returned the kiss.

“You are a fool,” Kylo said. He rested forehead against Poe’s, slightly breathless. “A beautiful fool.”

Kylo tilted Poe’s chin until they were looking at each other. Poe’s heart raced.

“I will not return to the First Order. And ritual suicide… it's something I considered. Before you.” 

Kylo released Poe’s jaw and turned to face the empty room once more. 

“I do not know if I will survive the confrontation with Snoke.” Kylo’s voice had gone very quiet. Poe could feel the fear rolling off him. Every muscle ached to turn to Kylo, to embrace him, to soothe that fear but Poe had to hear the words. “But I promise, I will do everything in my power to return to you.”

Poe felt the lump rise in his throat once more. He gripped Kylo’s shoulder silently. 

“I love you, too,” Kylo said, looking over his shoulder. 

Poe felt himself smile. “That hardly counts as reading my mind anymore,” he said. He caressed Kylo’s cheek. Kylo nipped at the soft skin of Poe’s wrist, his eyes sparkling with mischief. 

“What did you want to ask me?” Poe said. 

Kylo turned solemn instantly. He braced his hands so tightly against his thighs Poe knew it must hurt. 

“If one of us doesn't--” Poe smiled weakly. Kylo waved his hand. “Before I face Snoke I want to… Can we…”

Color crept up Kylo’s neck and despite his death grip on his robes Poe could tell his hands were shaking. It still amazed Poe sometimes: the great Kylo Ren, nervous and insecure. 

Poe touched Kylo softly on the thigh. Kylo inhaled sharply and jerked his head once left to right like he was dismissing a particularly irksome fly. And then Kylo was on top of him, his weight bearing Poe down into the bed. His mouth covered Poe’s, hot and needy and his hands slid up Poe’s waist with an intent he had never used before.

Poe broke the kiss, panting. “Kylo.”

“I want you,” Kylo said. His hands gripped Poe’s hips and slid him further down the bed. “At least once. I’m ready.”

Longing and desire and need and trust flooded through Poe making his head spin. His body responded instantly, every fiber of muscle screaming at him to relent, to relax, to drag Kylo into another kiss and see where curiosity took them.

Instead, Poe pressed a gentle hand to Kylo’s chest stilling the man’s exploration. Doubt and shame battled for possession of Kylo’s features. He rocked back and climbed off Poe with a grace the made Poe’s hormones scream at him for making such a completely stupid choice. It was a conscious, almost physical restraint to stop himself from dragging Kylo back.

Poe shook his head. Hormones didn’t get a vote. 

Poe sat up, giving himself space to collect his thoughts. 

“Oh Kylo,” he whispered. “You have no idea how much I want you.” He held out his hand to Kylo but Kylo didn’t reach back. Something in Poe’s heart snapped a little. 

“I want you more than I can make you understand,” Poe said. “But I don’t want you to do this because you think you’re going to die.”

A single tear rolled down Kylo’s cheek. Poe’s heart broke a little more.

“What if I’m right?” Kylo’s voice was so soft Poe barely made out the words. “But it’s not just that.”

There was a pause long enough Poe worried that Kylo wouldn’t continue. He moved toward Kylo, closing the space between them by inches. 

“I want to know what it feels like,” Kylo said. His eyes were locked on something in the middle distance that Poe coudn’t see. “Before I have to see him again I want to know what it feels like to touch you, to hold you.”

Kylo’s eyes never wavered. Poe wished they would, wished he could see what had transfixed Kylo. Poe shivered.

“I know he’ll make me remember… everything,” Kylo said. “Even if he kills me in seconds, even if I manage to kill him it might feel like days in my head.” Kylo shuddered and finally closed his eyes.

“I just want to have you with me. It’s probably stupid. I know it won’t help but I just want… you. With me. I just want to be able to remember you. I want to know, once, what if feels like.”

Poe moved into Kylo’s lap. He buried his face in Kylo’s neck. He hadn’t realized he was crying but his cheeks were wet and his voice was hoarse when he spoke. 

“Are you sure?”

He felt Kylo nod. Poe took a long, steadying breath. “I don’t want this to be sad,” Poe said. “I have wanted you for so long. I don’t want it to be like this.”

Kylo nodded again, accepting the rejection. “I understand.” Poe smiled. 

Give me ten minutes to shower and ask me again.”

***

Kylo had removed his robes. The high waist of his loose leggings somehow setting off the flat planes of his chest and the knotted muscles of his shoulders.

Poe groaned internally. By all appearances Kylo seemed calm, relaxed but Poe thought he could sense an edge of anxiety to the man.

Kylo smiled and his face turned into something beautiful. Poe leaned lazily against the edge of the door. He had redressed after showering. The feeling of Kylo removing his clothes was not one he wanted to miss. 

Poe groaned aloud. Kylo’s smile turned a fraction wolfish. Poe walked toward him and Kylo stretched languidly. 

Poe stopped just short of the bed and ran his fingers through Kylo’s hair. Kylo grabbed Poe’s hips and lifted him bodily onto the bed.

And then they fell together.

They slid along the blankets and there was a cascade of kissing and soft hands and strong bodies twining around one another. The only sounds were ragged breathing and clothes hitting the floor and maybe a small tearing when those last few buttons were too small, too stubborn. 

Poe’s blood was hot, boiling. The momentum was dizzying, nearly maddening. The torrent swept them along with need and want and desperation. It was heaven.

It was madness.

Poe placed a gentle touch to Kylo’s biceps, slowing the sweeping fall. Kylo’s eyes had the same feverish look Poe felt. Poe took a deep breath.

We are not desperate, he reminded himself. This is the beginning. We are not going to die.

Their bodies pressed against each other again. Poe restarted the kiss, slower, deeper. He raked his nails lightly against Kylo’s thighs.

Kylo slowed to match Poe’s pace. His hands running over Poe’s body, exploring the curves and lines, testing his fingers against Poe’s flesh.

Poe kissed Kylo’s neck, rolled his tongue along the ridge of his collar bone. Kylo’s skin was salty, covered in a fine sheen of sweat.

Kylo’s breath stuttered. Poe took the to explore the line of his ribcage, gently running his finger around the head of Kylo’s dick while his mouth worked across his body 

Kylo gasped and his head fell back. His hand tangled in Poe’s hair, firm but undemanding. Poe dipped lower, tasting the skin of Kylo’s hip and thigh. The shudder ran the entire length of Kylo’s body this time.

Then all at once the world shifted. Poe was on his back and Kylo was straddling his hips, both of Poe’s wrists gathered easily in one hand.

The ease with which Kylo moved him, manhandled him, could control him excited the dark parts of Poe’s mind and he felt that hunger in him rise. 

But Kylo remained gentle. His mouth explored Poe’s body, his tongue hesitant and unsure. Poe moaned his encouragement and rolled his hips against Kylo’s body. Poe could feel Kylo’s lips curl into a smile against his skin. He released Poe’s wrists to slide further down his body. His hands locked onto Poe’s hips instead, pinning him into the bed and halting his gyrations.

Poe huffed, falling back into the pillows. He gripped the wall-mount shelf above the bed and closed his eyes blocking out every sensation except Kylo’s hands and tongue moving down his stomach and slowly dipping into his belly button.

Goosebumps rose across Poe’s body. He was so hard it was leaking, standing at attention, brushing against Kylo’s jaw. He tightened his grip on the shelf, straining against the urge to squirm.

Kylo’s hair brushed against his inner thigh and then Kylo was gently sucking his balls, his tongue teasing the back, just tracing the base of his shaft. Poe hit his head against the wall in surprise, his hands clamped down on Kylo’s shoulders. Poe twisted, his feet scrambling for any sort of purchase against the sheets but he found none.

Kylo held him gently, firmly, maddeningly, easily in place as he took Poe in his mouth. There was nothing else in that moment, feeling Kylo between his legs, the scent of him filling Poe’s head. Poe knew this is what he had been dreaming of on all those lonely nights. 

Doing this, together, in this moment was not only the right thing. It was the only thing. 

WIthout looking, Poe dug in the drawer of the bedside table until he drew out the small bottle of lube. He worked his other hand under Kylo’s jaw and though every part of him screamed in protest he drew the man up.

Softly, Poe kissed him. He could taste his own need on Kylo’s lips. He carefully placed the bottle in Kylo’s hand. Kylo looked at it for a moment, bouncing it on his palm. Poe drew Kylo back into a kiss, brushing one hand down the ridge of Kylo’s spine, pulling Kylo toward him until their erections ground together. 

“I love you,” he whispered. He cupped Kylo’s cheek with one hand.

Kylo drew in a long breath and nodded. There was ripple of apprehension in his eyes but Poe was sure Kylo was only seeing him.  
Kylo flicked open the bottle. 

The first touch was so gentle it made Poe shiver. Kylo immediately drew his hand back but Poe grabbed his wrist. “No,” he said, lips moving against Kylo’s ear. He drew the man’s hand back toward the entrance to his body. “No, it’s good.”

Poe moaned. 

Kylo was so gentle it was a tease. Poe pressed their bodies together, trying to return the favor as Kylo worked him open. Poe reclaimed the bottle. The heat of Kylo’s hardness was so intense to could have singed him as he gently pulled him.

The flood began to rise again and this time Poe let it. He moved against Kylo with willing .abandon. “Now,” he said. There was a frenzied hint to his voice. He threw his leg over Kylo’s shoulder. “Now.”

Kylo put a hand under Poe’s chin, pulling his face until he could look into his eyes. Poe let him. “It’s just me, Kylo,” Poe said. “I’m here. I promise.”

And then Kylo was inside him. Deep and hot and Poe arched his back, drawing him in further. Their bodies tangled and they moved together. Poe reached to touch himself, to pull himself in time to the thrusts but Kylo dragged his hands away, pinning them above his head again.

Obediently Poe kept them there, pressing his body to meet Kylo’s, striving to pull the man deeper still.

Kylo reached for Poe, his fingers still slick. Poe heard mewling sounds of need and realized, only distantly, it was him. Poe fought the tide, wanting to prolong this moment. Kylo arched above him, pressing into him with less restraint each time. His strong, warm fingers played lightly over Poe until the room spun.

God, he was beautiful.


	16. Chapter 16

“Perhaps you could be convinced to consider Mister Dameron’s absence from the flight roster as a measure of protection,” General Organa said. Her face was blank, almost expressionless. Kylo could feel her straining to keep it that way.

 “I hardly think his safety is your driving concern,” Kylo said. He made no effort to hide the disdain in his voice. He stretched, trying to hold on to his center.

 “But certainly it is yours,” General Organa said. She hit him with the mental image of his father.

 “They don't always come back.”

Kylo clenched his hand, not allowing a single moment of indecision to enter his heart. “I have no kriffing idea why this is such a hard concept for you people.” He felt the anger boil over. He slapped his hand against the table. “Put your best pilot in the air. You already reinstated him once. Why do have to keep having this argument?”

“You will control yourself, Master Ren,” the general said. “And we will continue to take these decisions very seriously, until all the council is satisfied.”

Kylo leaned away, sprawling against the back of his chair. “I will make this very simple for you,” he said. “Either Poe flies, with _full_ honor, or I don't go either.”

“Can the mission be completed without Master Ren?” General Organa asked, glancing around the table. Luke stirred as if he would protest but the general cut him off with a sharp jerk of her hand.

“The Resistance will nottolerate bullying,” General Organa said. Luke settled back without speaking, brooding  over his steepled fingers.

“It is unfortunate that it must come to this. I had such hope for this alliance but the decision is yours,” General Organa said. She gestured at Kylo, dismissing him instantly. “You may leave, Master Ren.”

She continued as if nothing had happened. With another sweep of her arm she gathered her aides and the attention of everyone in the room, somehow excluding Kylo simultaneously. Kylo felt his heart pounding but forced himself not to react, to appear perfectly calm. This was a bluff.

“General, I’m so sorry. But I don’t think I can go either.”

All the noise ceased. The room was suddenly a vacuum, a moment locked in time. Kylo felt his mouth drop open in shock. He closed it instantly and felt a grim satisfaction twist his features.

As far as calling a bluff went, that was pretty harsh.

The girl didn't seem to be enjoying her complete tactical victory, however. Rey’s eyes were closed. Tears were streaking down her face, settling in the lines making her appear aged beyond her years.

“I want to fight the Empire,” she said. “I want to stop Snoke’s evil and darkness from expanding across the galaxy.”

She looked at them at last. Her brown eyes were filled with fire.

“But if I am to be a tool of a political organization like the Resistance, I want to be sure it is something that I can stand behind, that I won't be ashamed of later.”

Ematt’s face was ruddy with anger. Kylo could feel it spilling of him like something greasy and dark. It had been bubbling under the surface since Kylo had entered but now it took on another layer of rage barely concealed behind frustration. Ematt was smart, however. He kept his tone polite, if a little clipped.

“And what would you put your name behind?” He looked at Kylo with unfiltered loathing. “This is war. Sometimes we have to do things we find unsavory.”

Kylo smiled lazily, pretending the mere touch of the man's mind didn't make his skin crawl.

Rey stared her hands. Her voice was soft but carried easily throughout the room.

“Maybe that's why this war has never ended.”

Goosebumps rose on Kylo’s flesh and he had to suppress a shudder.

“Mister Dameron has been deemed unworthy of command and position in this army,” Ematt spat. “With all do respect, there are years of experience on this council. You would do well not to let your personal feelings cloud your judgement.”

Kylo guffawed. “Her personal judgement? That’s rich coming from you Ematt.”

Ematt shot to his feet, a visible vein throbbing in his neck. “That’s Lieutenant to you!”

General Organa rose to her feet and made a slashing gesture with both her arms. “That is quite enough,” she said and the room lulled obediently into silence.

She turned to Rey, her face gentle and imploring.

“Rey, I'm asking you to reconsider,” General Organa said. “It is your duty--”

“The Jedi are not a private army,” Luke said. He leaned forward, his face leaving no room for disagreement. Kylo stared. Never in his life had he heard Luke interrupt his mother.

“Her only duty is to her teachings and to her own conscience.”

Luke looked at his sister. “You lost,” Kylo heard his uncle say though his lips had stopped moving. “He is your son. Let go of your pride.”

***

It was a bleak morning. The dawn had just began to streak with a dim gray light as they gathered on the tarmac. It was a solemn procession. Troops and pilots moved quickly and creating an melancholy bustle though to Kylo’s eye it lacked the efficiency and organization of the First Order. It was more like the drudgery of the a funeral procession.

Kylo smiled grimly. Maybe he was projecting.

Finally he saw Poe emerge from the hangar. The infamous Snap Wexley was behind him and he chatted to a small, determined looking women, Jessika Pava, he presumed.

The three looked relaxed, confident. They sauntered through the crowd, calling to pilots, clapping soldiers on the back.

Kylo smiled a little more. _Our fearless leaders._

When Poe finally got close enough to meet Kylo’s eye the smile faded. It didn't disappear, per say, but it lost its boisterous joviality and settled into something else. Something deeper, Kylo thought. Something more real. At least that's what he hoped.

Poe turned toward Kylo and Snap and Jessika followed. They stood facing each other for a long minute neither able to find the words. All around them the loading had nearly finished.

In the distance General Organa emerged, flanked by Rey and Luke. She scanned the field and made a beeline for the group.

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Just when you thought the politicking was over,” he muttered.

“Play nice,” Poe said. Behind him, Snap snorted and then the general was upon them.

“Gentleman,” she said. “Jess.”

The woman gave her a nod of acknowledgment. No one else responded. Rey gave Kylo a solemn nod and moved to stand at his side. General Organa nearly managed to hide her surprise.

Kylo gave her a smug smile. Poe cleared his throat and Kylo glanced at him apologetically. .

“The loading is nearly complete, General,” Poe said. He turned his face only half toward her. “We're ahead of schedule.”

She nodded briskly. “Good work P- Commander Dameron.” She nearly managed to catch the stumble. “All that remains is to get the six of you on board. I assume Chewy is  already aboard the Falcon?”

Rey nodded. “He went ahead about an hour ago.”

The general nodded. “Good. I don’t need to waste words telling you how important this mission is. You all know.”

 _Ah,_ Kylo thought. _They famous farewell to the troops._ He had heard dozens of these in his youth. Only one of them had been directed at him however: the day he had been committed to the Jedi.

“This is the mission with the potential to change everything. By its close, the Resistance will have recovered everything, struck the final blow, and pushed the galaxy finally, firmly down the path of peace and balance.”

“Or it will be in ruins.” Kylo had spoken before he could think better of it. The reaction was a silence so complete it seemed like a gasp.

The general smiled thinly, without mercy or humor.

“That, Master Ren, depends entirely upon you alone,” she said.

Poe sucked a breath sharply between his teeth.

“General,” Rey said, her voice full of reproach.

Kylo raised a hand to stay her defense though he never took his eyes off his mother.

“She is correct,” he said. “This is my fight.”

He finally looked to the girl. “You should stay.”

“Why? Are you planning on betraying us as soon as you get off planet?” The female pilot demanded.

“Jess,” Poe snapped sharply.

Rey ignored them both. She leaned closer to Kylo and put her hand on his wrist.

“This fight belongs to all of us,” she said.

Kylo looked at her. She was afraid. Horribly, terribly afraid. A large part of her wished she had never left Jakku, that she didn't have the Force.

He felt a sad smile turn his lips.

“You are brave,” he said. She returned his smile in kind. A long moment of silence stretched around them.

Was there any chance they would come back alive?

“Well,” said General Organa. “We are all committed, then?” She was looking at Poe who was staring at Kylo and didn't seem to notice.

“Of course we are,” Snap said before anyone else could speak. He clapped Poe on the shoulder. “And we're not getting anywhere standing on the tarmac.”

Poe smiled, a real one. “That's right,” he said. “Let's get these birds in the air.”

And with that the procession moved steadily down the tarmac. There was still a bustle of last-minute activity all around but things had more or less settled.

They reached the x-wings first. Poe’s stood sentinel with the other flanking either side. BB-8 chirped happily, already on board.

Poe greeted the x-wing like an old friend, running his hand gently over its nose. _A pilot and his ship,_ Kylo thought.

Tears burned Kylo’s eyes. He pretended to check the ships stabilizers until it had passed. Poe came over to him, gently touching his arm.

Kylo faced him. Everyone left on the tarmac was watching them.

“Fly fast,” he said. He straightened Poe’s flight suit. “Don't take unnecessary risks.” He tightened the straps on Poe’s kit. “And don't show off.”

Poe smiled at him. “Now where's the fun in that?” he asked.

Kylo snorted. “Little droid,” he said turning to BB-8. “You do his thinking for him. He's better off that way.”

BB-8 made a resigned sound of agreement and tipped his head so Kylo could pat him.

“Bring him home safe,” Kylo said quietly.

Poe’s eyes were a little sad when Kylo turned back to him. “I love you,” he said.

The knot in Kylo’s throat was so thick he was choking. He felt the tears threatening to betray him again and he let a forced numbness wash over him.

He nodded and turned to leave. He thought the words as loudly and as deeply as he could, knowing Poe would hear him. He knew Poe would understand.

He knew it wasn't the same.

He just couldn't bri--

“Flyboy!” Kylo had turned around and the word was out of his mouth before he had considered it.

Poe had just begun to mount the x-wing, poised to swing into the cockpit. Kylo reached him in seconds. He pulled him down before he had time to think, to hesitate, to decide better, and he kissed him.

Kylo cradled Poe’s face in his hands. Poe grabbed Kylo’s wrists and held on. It wasn't chaste; it wasn't even particularly sweet. Kylo held onto Poe like he was trying to suck the air from his lungs.

Behind them Snap burst into applause and let out a sharp, piercing whistle that carried across the compound. A second later a few other people joined in, perhaps with slightly less commitment.

Poe broke the kiss, his chest heaving with a breathless laughter. Kylo placed a gentle kiss to Poe’s dark curls.

“I love you,” he said.

***

The Millennium Falcon was filled with ghosts. Kylo wondered if he was just one more.

He touched the button on the center console gently and the dejarik holograms sprung to life, eternally attempting to tear each other apart.

Kylo sunk into a chair and watched. It was years ago he had sat on his father's lap and learned to play.

Why did it feel like yesterday?

_There's nothing in the galaxy more beautiful than a pilot and his ship, Ben.” Han ran his hand along the doorframe._

_“The day I saw the Falcon it changed my life forever. They say a man will only change for the love of a woman but a pilot…” Han shook his head and stared around the cabin. He walked over and sat in the captain's chair_

_“All I have ever wanted was to be the man this ship deserves. Smart, wild, a little reckless, but good. She's so good.”_

_Ben walked over and toddled with the buttons on the flight panel. Han smiled and gently ruffled his hair._

_“I've never been quite good enough. But I have loved this ship. More than anything I have loved this ship.”_

_Han gestured to the co-pilot’s chair.  Ben climbed in, excitement bubbling up in him._

_“Someday she'll be yours Ben. And I know you understand. Your mother never h. as but I knew you do and that means...”_

_Han’s voice trailed off and for a moment his eyes almost looked misty. Then he smiled, self-assured and cocky and flicked on the thrusters._

_“A pilot and his ship.”_

Kylo made no effort to stem the tears. There was no use. The scavenger had been more his child in that way, perhaps. The ship meant the world to her.

But there was a time it had meant the galaxy to Kylo. But that was so long ago now. The Falcon was a graveyard.

Kylo felt the scavenger approach. She paused when she saw him.  Kylo mopped his face with his sleeve for longer than was strictly necessary, forcing a long silence to stretch between them and keeping them apart.

“You miss him,” Rey said finally.

Kylo tilted his head in acquiescence.  

“You still have your mother, you know.” Rey said.  She crossed the room and settled into the chair across the table. “She means well, if you’d give her a chance. She’s just scared. Everyone is relying on her.”

Kylo stared at the dejarik board, determinedly not looking at the girl.

“She is not my mother.”

Rey frowned. “You know some us of would give anything to have what you do.”

Kylo continued to stare at the table still taking in nothing he was seeing. “A mother who never wanted you? I thought you had that already.”

Rey shot to her feet, a bright spot of color rising on her cheeks. “You really are a selfish bastard,” she said.

Kylo looked at her at last, drumming his fingers lazily on the table. “The general never wanted children,” he said. “Though I suppose she did the best she could when it came to it.”

Rey hesitated, suddenly unsure. “She said that to you?”

A wry smile twisted Kylo’s face. “So you still think the Force is a magical gift, then?”

“You read her mind?” Rey furrowed her brow.

Kylo arched an eyebrow. “Are you surprised?” Rey didn’t answer, only stared more intensely. Kylo shrugged.

“I was young,” he said. “She had no reason to shield her thoughts from me. And I was such a bratty child.”

Rey’s face softened. “I’m so sorry.” Kylo only shrugged again.

Rey sighed and sat once more. She drew up her legs like a lotus and began to meditate. Gratitude flooded over Kylo and he followed suit.

Time passed. Kylo was unsure how much but when he opened his eyes Rey was watching him once again. She was calm and mild but he could see the tear streaks on her face.

“I want you to know that I think what you did for Poe was really brave,” she said. “Not many people would have done that.”

Kylo smiled. “It was not nearly as brave as what he did for me.”

Rey nodded in acknowledgement. “But still,” she said. She traced her fingers absently through the holorgrams making them shimmer. “It was wrong what the council did. And it was wrong to try to guilt you into leaving him behind to keep him safe.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

“I would have thought that would work,” she said. “I think it might have worked on me.”

Kylo shook his head. “It wouldn’t have,” he said. Rey looked at him in surprise.Kylo leaned toward her.

“I want Poe safe. Of course. More than anything. But the general and her _advisors_ made a mistake.” He leaned slightly toward the girl. “They still think that I look at Poe like something that I own, like some some pretty trophy I can keep on  a shelf.”

Kylo flexed his knuckles against the table, clinging to the peace of meditation. Rey watched silently, waiting.

“But Poe doesn’t belong to me. He is a fighter, a pilot.” Kylo shrugged a shoulder. “No matter the risk, it’s his to take. I could never ask him to change.”

Rey laid her hand over Kylo’s. Kylo didn’t pull away.

After a long moment Rey pulled away. “I have to ask you something,” she said. “It’s not the right time. Not even slightly but I have to.”

Maybe her voice shook a little.

Rey laid her hand palm up on her thighs, returning to a meditative stance though her eyes were wide open.

“Why?”

There was no need to ask what she meant. Kylo could feel the pain and anger in her, stale but not yet old. She didn’t try to hide and Kylo respected her a little more for it.

“I thought it would give me enough power to kill Snoke,” he said. Rey nodded as if that’s what she had expected. Kylo turned off the dejarik board. They sat in the perfect stillness.

“I couldn’t bear for him to see what I’d become.” The words spilled out of Kylo’s mouth. This was something he had never admitted, perhaps even to himself. Kylo expected the tears to come again, for the emotion to choke his words but there was nothing but a profound agony empty of any release.

“Did it?” Rey asked.

Kylo arched an eyebrow at her.

“Did it give you strength you thought it would?”

Kylo let out a humorless laugh that left his lungs feeling empty.

“No,” he said. “The night Han Solo died took more from me than I ever imagined it ever could.”

Rey leaned toward him, her eyes piercing and direct. “Because you still loved him?”

Kylo stared around the Falcon. Its hum and noise and run-down, piecemeal drudgery was the same as it had always been. Even after all these years.

Kylo swallowed.

“Yes.”


End file.
